She is the Sunlight
by Qwi-Xux
Summary: When Vaan is hired to deliver a package to Archades, Penelo suffers an assault by someone trying to get their hands on it, shattering any semblance of normality they had begun to piece together. VxP. Rated M for content; please see A/N inside. *complete*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **This is rated 'M' for disturbing images and for an instance of sexual assault. I realize that the basis of this story is rooted in an issue that might be very painful for some people to read, so please proceed with caution. I really can't quite believe I'm writing this. I like reading and writing lighter, happier stories, especially about Vaan and Penelo, because of who they are. I really did not want to write this story. I didn't want to write the subject matter, but it came pouring out anyway. I've come to realize that there are a lot of reasons why I was so driven to write this, and it is _not_ because it's something I enjoyed or did for fun. This was very difficult to write, and I have a longer note about it at the end of the epilogue.

I gave this the title _'She is the Sunlight'_ because I was listening to the song with the same title by the band 'Trading Yesterday.' Part of the song says 'she is the sunlight, and the sun is gone.' And…that was when my muse smacked me upside the head with this entire story.

Disclaimer: These characters and this world don't belong to me. (Really, you think?)

Spoilers: I'm placing this story immedately following _Revenant Wings, _so there may be vague spoilers for that, though probably not many, since I never actually played _Revenant Wings. _I just skimmed through the script to find out what happened with Vaan and Penelo. Most of the focus here is based directly off of Final Fantasy XII.

* * *

**Chapter One**

Vaan woke to the sound of pots being banged around, followed by the sound of something sizzling. His eyes popped open, and he glanced around the small bedroom. The space on the bed next to him was empty. Judging from the weak sunlight streaming through the windows, it was only just past dawn.

Sighing, he dropped back onto the bed. Sunrise was definitely not his favorite time of the day, and it didn't help that he had been out well into the middle of the night, having some weird meeting with a Seeq who wanted something shipped to Archades. Vaan had no idea _what _it was, and with half the gil the Seeq had paid him to do the job jangling in his pocket, he didn't care. He was supposed to pick up the package that evening, and the Seeq had been incredibly insistent that he take it to Archades _immediately._ Which was fine; after sneaking away from Rabanastre-well, trying to sneak away and instead being chased by their friends-he had promised Penelo a full week of having her feet on solid ground before heading off on their next adventure, but their week was now over.

It had been nice, he admitted. They had stopped at a little coastal town and splurged on this cottage, which was tiny, having only the bedroom, bathroom, and a room barely large enough for the kitchen, table, and couch squeezed into it. Penelo had simply been delighted that they had a kitchen. She actually _liked _cooking, and while Vaan didn't understand that, he didn't mind, because he liked eating…and Penelo's cooking had improved to where he actually liked eating what she cooked.

He heard the sound of her singing quietly in the kitchen while she fixed breakfast, and he pulled his pillow over his head, hoping to get a little more sleep. He closed his eyes and vaguely listened to Penelo's normal morning routine, half-drifting back to sleep, before her singing stopped and a minute later he felt the sudden shift of weight as she sat on the edge of the bed, her back pressed against his side. He was unsurprised that he hadn't heard her come in; she was a dancer, after all.

"Good morning, Vaan," she said, and poked him in the stomach.

"Ow," he moaned into his pillow, which she abruptly pulled off of his head. He frowned and blinked bleary eyes, only to find her face right above his.

"You were out late."

"We have a job." Vaan reached for the bag of gil in his pocket and pulled it out, dangling it in front of her.

She took it carefully and opened it, her eyes widening when she saw the amount of gil inside. "Vaan-what are they asking us to _do?_"

"Just deliver something to a lord in Archades," he said. "We'll have to leave tonight after I go pick up whatever it is we're delivering."

"Archades? Maybe we can see Larsa while we're there."

Vaan shrugged, though inwardly he found himself mildly irritated with the idea of seeing Larsa. Not that he had anything against him at all, but it had occurred to him after their last visit to Archades that the young Emperor liked Penelo. _Really_ liked her, and it bothered him for reasons he couldn't entirely put into words.

Just like he couldn't quite put to words the sensations that jolted through him when Penelo was just hovering over him like that, the smile on her face making her eyes sparkle, leaning toward him so their faces were only inches apart. She kissed him lightly on the lips, and then abruptly poked him again, making him jump and wince. "Come on, sleepyhead. Breakfast is ready." She leapt off his bed and out the door, and he found his eyes drawn to the bare skin of her waist and the way her hips moved as she walked-

He shook his head and pulled the pillow back over his face. Something was entirely wrong with him. It was like one day he had suddenly realized that the person sleeping in the next bed-and often the same bed-was actually a woman. Perhaps it had really been watching her dance for Velis that had been the catalyst for this realization, though he suspected these feelings had been there for quite some time.

She was still Penelo; she hadn't changed, but maybe his awareness about her had, and he had no idea what that meant for him, even when she kept kissing him. He didn't object to the kisses at all, though he still wasn't certain about taking the initiative. She seemed to be waiting for something from him, and he had to admit that part of him was nervous about it. What if he completely bungled something? He always seemed to do things that exasperated Penelo. And…his emotions for her were so steadily rising, so strongly, that if he started kissing her, he wasn't sure he would want to stop. He wasn't sure where it would lead, and if that would upset her, and-

He sighed. Why did girls have to be so confusing?

He tossed and turned in bed for another minute before realizing he wasn't going to fall back asleep. Resigned, he rolled out of bed and quickly dressed before stepping into the small main room, where Penelo already had breakfast on the table and was just finishing her meal. She looked over and smiled as he sat down. "Hey, Vaan. Let's go down to the sea today, before you have to pick up the shipment."

"All right."

"Great! I'll pack lunch." She finished the last few bites of her food and stood up.

He watched as she cheerfully began to pull out food and put it into a cloth bag, and when he was finished eating, they left the cottage and headed for the seashore.

Penelo tucked her arm into his and leaned her cheek against her shoulder as they walked. "This week has been nice."

"Yeah."

"We should do this more often."

Vaan didn't offer a reply, but Penelo didn't seem to expect one. They walked to the coast in comfortable silence. This time of morning, there were only a few people around-several fishermen, a man hunting for treasures along the sand, and a lone woman sitting on the shore, gazing at the water.

Penelo dropped the bag of lunch on the sand, then glanced at Vaan mischievously. "Race you to the water!"

She let go of his arm and took off before he had time to respond. Grinning, he raced after her. For all that her legs were shorter than his, she was still fast, but he closed the gap between them and passed her just before his feet splashed into the waves. He ran in up to his waist, then turned and raised his hands in victory. "Ha! I've-"

His taunt was cut off when she splashed water straight into his face before jumping on him and tackling him into the ocean. His head went underwater, and he pushed to the surface, spitting out water and narrowing his eyes at her laughter. He swiftly hooked his leg behind her knees, at the same time grabbing her arm and pulling her forward. She fell on top of him and they both went under. When they resurfaced, Penelo kept her arms around him, giggling as she attempted to ruffle his sopping hair.

Vaan stared at her, mesmerized. The water drops covering her sparkled in the morning sunshine and her eyes danced at him, bright and teasing. Did she have any idea how beautiful she was?

He must have been staring too long or too intensely, because she tilted her head to the side and studied him quizzically. "Vaan? Are you all right?"

He blinked, suddenly all too aware of her soft hands on his back, of her legs wrapped around his waist and her curves pressed against him, and he jerked away from her so fast she lost her grip on him and fell back into the surf again, just barely catching herself from going completely under the water.

"Vaan?" she asked, and he couldn't tell if that was concern or disappointment in her voice.

He deliberately kept his eyes level with hers and pushed a smile to his face. "Bet I can swim faster than you." Taking a cue from her, he dove into the water before she could protest.

Things were mostly normal after that. They swam for a while, and then built a little city in the sand before digging into the lunch Penelo had packed. They stayed until mid-afternoon, when Penelo said that if they were going to be leaving late that night, she had better pick up some supplies. Vaan told her he would make sure their airship was ready to go. Due to the destruction of their first airship, they had been forced to acquire a very old, very cheap substitute that Vaan was planning on trading for a better model at the first opportunity. Penelo had been a little nervous it would crash on their way to their vacation, but it had held together without any mishaps.

They headed their separate ways and met back at the cottage for dinner. Finally, when the sun had gone down, Vaan headed out to pick up the goods he would be delivering while Penelo stayed to pack up their belongings.

The place where he was supposed to meet the person who would be delivering his package was a bar-a very dark, dirty bar full of patrons like so many Vaan had seen on his travels. People who looked like they would kill you for the shirt on your back, people who looked weary from long journeys, people who looked roughed up from difficult hunts. He slipped in among them, wondering if any of his experiences showed when they saw him, or if they just saw a naïve boy from Dalmasca.

He took a seat at the edge of the room only after buying a drink so as to look less conspicuous. He had only been there for a few minutes when someone wearing a hood slipped into the seat across from him.

Vaan felt pressure on his foot and realized the person had pushed something to him under the table. He didn't look at it, instead trying to get a glimpse of the face beneath the hood. He saw nothing but shadows.

"Deliver it, and you'll get paid your full due," a light voice said-a very light voice; the person was female. "See to it that you're quick about it, eh?"

"Of course."

She nodded and stood back to her feet. She left the bar and only when she was gone did Vaan reach down and retrieve the package she'd left. It was smaller than he had expected; the box fit in the palm of his hand. Shrugging, he slowly finished his drink, not wanting to draw any undue attention, and then carried the little box out of the bar, winding back toward the cottage.

He frowned slightly when he found the cottage completely black. Would Penelo have gone to sleep already? He had only been gone an hour. Even if she_ had_ gone to sleep, she would have left a light on for him.

His frown deepened and apprehension prickled through him when he saw that the front door was cracked open. He carefully pushed it open and peered into the darkness. "Penelo?" he called. His eyes strained to see the lamp that should have been illuminated, but it wasn't on the table; instead, it was smashed on the floor, broken glass shards everywhere.

The light was not the only thing to be upended; furniture was knocked over, and their belongings were strewn across the room. Fear surging through him, he stepped toward the broken light. "Penelo!"

He froze in his tracks when he nearly tripped on her body, sprawled on the floor behind the couch, only feet from the bedroom door. Horror and terror surged through him as he flung himself down beside her. There was blood everywhere, staining her top and smeared across her stomach. That was bad enough, but she was also half undressed, her dancer's pants ripped, blood and bruises on her thighs. More bruises marred her face. Inches away from her fingertips was the dagger she always carried with her, coated in red.

Added to his fear was a horrible, raging fury unlike any anger he had ever experienced. His eyes found the spattered blood on the ground and several bloody fingers. A man's fingers. His gaze darted back to Penelo's dagger and vindictive satisfaction slammed through him, and he thought that given the chance, he would cut up the bastard who had done this a piece at a time.

Panic was swift to follow. _What do I do? _Was she even alive? If she was dead…

_Focus, Vaan! _The blood primarily seemed to be coming from a wound in her shoulder. Wounds, he knew how to handle. _If_ she was alive…

Shaking, Vaan leaned close to her face, trying not to look at the rest of her battered body. He got near enough to her mouth to feel her breath, harsh and rapid, on his cheek. Relief mingled with his other swirling emotions.

"Pene-" Her name had only just started falling from his lips when her eyes snapped open and her mouth opened in a silent scream, her hand coming around to bash him in the side of the head. Totally blindsided, he jerked backwards, seeing sparks. "Penelo!"

She froze, her eyes darting around, her bloodied dagger lifted in a striking motion, and with a sickening lurch to his stomach, he realized that she was blind. The dagger slipped from her fingertips, clattering to the floor, and her mouth opened again, but nothing came out.

She was blind _and _silenced. Quickly, he cast the counterspell for silence and then blind on her until she was staring at him through one good eye and one swiftly swelling eye. She gasped, "Vaan," and abruptly fell forward into him.

He caught her and could do nothing but hold onto her as she took great, heaving breaths. In the midst of her gasps, a single scream escaped her, only slightly muffled by his shoulder, a horrific, agonizing scream that he had never imagined could come out of her mouth.

She clutched him so tightly he could hardly breathe, and he remained there, unmoving, until she started trying to drag herself to her feet, only to suck in a sharp breath and fall back into him.

"Here." Without giving her a chance to object, Vaan lifted her into his arms. She was trembling horribly as he carried her into the bedroom and laid her on the bed. This room, too, had been ransacked. Their clothes and items were haphazardly scattered across the floor.

Vaan draped a blanket over Penelo's shuddering body before examining her shoulder wound, which looked like it had been done with her own dagger. He hastily found several potions and poured them down her throat, which muted her bruises and began healing her wound, and only then attempted a healing spell on her, feeling clumsy and inept as he did so. He was out of practice, and Penelo was the one who was experienced at using white magicks.

The whole time, Penelo stared at the ceiling, at nothing, or maybe at the horror in her mind at what she had just suffered. As soon as he had cast the healing spell and watched the rest of her bruises disappear and the gash in her shoulder completely close, he fought to find his voice. A dozen questions were jostling around his head, but all he could manage to say was her name. "Penelo."

She blinked, her eyes moving to his face and then down at herself, at the blood on her top, at the blood that had gotten all over the blanket covering the rest of her body. Her breathing sped up and she pushed out of bed, running out of the room before Vaan could utter another word. He heard the bathroom door slam, and all he could do was sit there on the edge of their bed, staring at the stained blanket she had dropped in her haste to leave.

Suddenly feeling horribly nauseous, he stumbled out of the bedroom, dropping to his knees before he even realized his legs had given out. Who had done this? Why Penelo? _Why? _How had this happened? How could it have happened? Penelo had taken down monsters and zombies and _judges, _and even though she was a healer more than a fighter, she _knew _how to fight. She was so strong, so competent, so _how could this have happened?_

A little voice whispered that while she had taken down said monsters, zombies, and judges, she'd had the aid of her friends, so that when she _did _get hurt and knocked out, they could heal and revive her.

And there were still those with more experience than her.

He pushed himself to his feet. He needed to clean this up, for his sake and for hers. He couldn't look at it anymore.

He disposed of the severed digits and scrubbed the blood away from the ground, taking out his anger on the wooden floor until every last inch of red was gone. He heard water running in the bathroom the whole time, and while Penelo was still in the shower, he took the stained blanket and burned it to ash, nearly catching the bed on fire in the process. He cleaned up the broken glass, picked up their belongings, and set the furniture back on end. Once the cottage was relatively clean, he wandered around helplessly, having no idea what to do, swinging from one emotion to the next, until he realized Penelo had been in the shower for an hour. He walked to the door and knocked on it. "Penelo?"

There was no answer, and he certainly wasn't about to walk in on her after everything she had just been through, so he decided he should give her some more time. After another half an hour, though, he was just plain scared, so he knocked on the door again before cracking it open. Not looking inside, he called, "Penelo?"

There was still no reply, and he realized that if he didn't help her, no one would. They were in a town where he knew no one, and even if he did have someone to fetch for aid, it would mean leaving Penelo alone, and he couldn't do that, either.

Bracing himself, he stepped into the bathroom. Recently, the thought of seeing Penelo naked had been an intriguing one that somehow simultaneously sent chills and heat through his body. At this moment, he only felt sick and guilty and he just needed her to be all right. Nothing else mattered.

Her ruined clothes were stuffed in the trash next to the sink. She was sitting in the shower, wrapped tightly in a towel, water pounding down on her. Judging from the piles of bubbles around her, she had used at least an entire bottle of soap. Vaan took a cautious step forward and reached his hand into the stream of water. It was freezing cold. He quickly turned it off. "Penelo…"

She was shaking violently. Feeling utterly helpless, he reached for her huddled body. She flinched away from his hands, and he whispered, "It's all right. Come on."

She looked up at him, shivering from head to toe, spattered with bubbles, and finally accepted his hands. He pulled her to her feet, and as soon as she was standing, she withdrew her hands and stumbled toward the bedroom. She shut the door behind herself, and this time, Vaan only waited for a few minutes before going in after her. She was lying on the disheveled bed, dressed in some of his clothing, the sopping towel on the floor. Vaan stepped over it and hovered uncertainly. "Can you-can you tell me what happened?" he finally asked, his voice hoarse, not sure he really wanted to hear the details, but needing to hear them at the same time.

Penelo's eyes darted to him and she shook her head wordlessly. For a moment, Vaan thought she wasn't going to answer, but she finally whispered, "They came just after you left."

Vaan's hands clenched into fists. _They? _There had been more than one?

"I thought you were just…coming back. That you had forgotten something." Her breath caught in her throat, and suddenly she was sobbing, clutching her stomach and crying so hard that Vaan had a hard time understanding the words pouring out of her mouth. "There were four of them. I was hit with silence before I even realized it wasn't you, and then I was blinded…"

Taking away her ability to do any magicks, and her ability to see what she was fighting.

"They tried to hit me with disable. I could feel it, but they didn't realize I was wearing a black belt-"

The black belt that made her immune to disable. Penelo had a few little trinkets she wore here and there to help protect her, but it apparently had not been enough.

"I tried to get away, but this time they got me with immobilize, and that one worked. I couldn't move. They were looking for something. I could hear them, and one of them said maybe it wasn't here yet. They-they wanted to know where you were, but I wouldn't have told them even if I could have."

Vaan's entire body went cold. Could they have come looking for the very package he had gone to pick up? Was this entirely his fault?

"They looked long enough that the immobilize wore off, and I thought if I could just find some eye drops or echo herbs I might be able to-" She shook her head. "But one of them grabbed me. I fought him, hurt him, even though I couldn't see him. I hurt him with my dagger. I know I did-"

Vaan recalled the fingers on the ground. Yes, she had hurt him, but _definitely _not enough.

"-and I heard him screaming, but then someone else grabbed me and got the dagger away from me. He stabbed my shoulder. I fought. I fought, but he punched me in the face and I was so dazed-I almost blacked out. He said he was going to teach me a lesson. He-said-" She was gasping hard now, almost hyperventilating, but the words did not stop their rush to get out, as though a poison was being sucked out of her. "He said it would be a lesson to those who get involved in his business. He told me to pass the message on to you. He said he wants it back, and you're to leave it at Syl's Gambits by tomorrow at sunrise, and then he-" She stopped talking abruptly and shook her head violently.

Vaan didn't need her to say what had happened; he knew. He knew, and he couldn't think about it, because his white hot rage was already boiling over and if he thought about _that, _it would put him completely over the edge. Even though he couldn't help but think about it. "What about-" He wasn't sure he could ask it, but he had to know. "What about the other three?"

"They didn't-" She shook her head again, but Vaan got the message. He wasn't sure he could say he was relieved-there could be no relief in this situation-but at least he knew that she had only suffered through it once. "The one I hurt was still yelling and cursing. I fought while the other one was-was-" She couldn't say the words, but the picture was crystal clear in Vaan's mind. "But he hit me again. I blacked out, and then I woke up and you were there." Her eyes caught his, pleading for something, forgiveness or understanding. "I fought, Vaan. _I fought._"

Vaan swallowed and started to reach for Penelo, because that was what he did: he held her when she was hurting. He stopped with his arms half out toward her, suddenly realizing that she might not want him to touch her right now.

Her eyes filled with tears and she mutely leaned into him. Her hair was wet and cold from her shower, and little rivulets of water ran down Vaan's chest as he settled back against the wall, holding her carefully in his arms.

There was so much he wanted to say, but no words that seemed right. What _could_ he say that could possibly make this better, especially when it was his fault?


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Penelo wasn't sure how long they sat there on the bed, both completely wide awake. Her sense of time, normally very keen, was completely skewed. It felt as though it had been hours since it had happened. And it felt like it had only been an instant.

She closed her eyes tightly. The tremors in her body had finally subsided, the shock of what had happened slowly draining away like sand slipping through her fingers, leaving a torrent of furious emotions in its wake. She felt horrible, dirty, violated. She was afraid and she was angry. She had been helpless, and that was probably the worst thing of all. She hated feeling helpless. It had always been the most horrible part of her journey around Ivalice. She could handle battling espers, being thrown in prison, killing ferocious animals. She could brave temples and tombs and freezing snow, but it had always terrified her the most when she was helpless to act. Being disabled or completely _stopped, _being forced to watch her friends get hurt, or getting hurt herself, and being powerless to do anything about it but _wait_--that had been the worst.

Tonight had been just like that, only a hundred times worse.

As she continued to sit there, taking some solace in Vaan's presence behind her, her anger continued to grow, shadowing everything else, and she let it. It hurt less if she just focused on the anger.

Life was nothing if not ironic. Most people saw her and her optimism and equated that with naïveté. Ashe had once commented to her, almost in frustration, that she didn't understand how she could have lost so much and still maintained such innocence. Penelo had wondered if Ashe was upset because she thought Penelo innocent, or because Ashe had lost just as much and had an entirely different way of handling it.

Balthier had overheard this and chuckled, telling Ashe, "I think you are confusing innocence with persistence, Princess."

Penelo had realized then that maybe Balthier understood more than she had given him credit for. She didn't always feel cheerful and optimistic, but life was what it was. There were people around her who had lost just as much, if not more than she had.

And she had Vaan. She had always had him, and he had always kept her going, always given her reason to find hope, had made her take chances because she knew he was there. So while she was not stupid or naïve, she had made a choice to go on and make life the best it could be, telling those around her--and often reminding herself--that in perseverance, there was hope. She couldn't afford to let go of that, even when times were darkest.

_Especially_ when times were darkest.

It was one thing to tell herself that as she leaned against Vaan, desperately trying to cling to her sanity in the aftermath of suffering the complete violation of her body. It was another thing to really care. Maybe later she would care, but all she wanted to do right now was rage and scream at the injustice of the world.

No. Not at the injustice of the world. Right now, she just wanted to rage and scream at the injustice of what had been done to her.

As the flame of anger stoked into a steady blaze of raging fire inside her, she stiffened and drew away from Vaan. She glanced at his eyes, darkened with his own anger, hurt, and guilt, and held his gaze for a moment. She knew what he would be seeing in her expression. She had been knocked over and beat up and now she wanted to do something about it. She couldn't focus on the part inside of her that was broken and crying. She had to keep fighting.

Just like she always did.

She found her voice and it sounded dull to her ears. "We need to get out of here."

"Yeah." Vaan frowned slightly, his mind going elsewhere, and Penelo knew him well enough to realize where his thoughts were headed: escape.

The problem was going to be leaving; if her assailants had found out where Vaan was staying, they had no doubt located their airship. They might not even be there, though; they may have simply left a trap or sabotaged the airship. If they _were_ there...

She swallowed. The idea of facing them again made her feel like throwing up.

Slipping off the bed, Vaan went out into the main room, and Penelo swiftly followed. He picked up a small box that was on the edge of the counter and frowned at it, as though he couldn't remember actually dropping it there. He picked it up and quickly opened it while she watched, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. He stared at the contents in bafflement, and she leaned over to peer at whatever was inside.

"It's a roll of parchment," Vaan said dully. He took it out of the box and shook his head. "That's it. There's nothing else in here."

Penelo took it out of his hands and unrolled it.

Vaan frowned at the jumbled symbols on the page. "What is this supposed to be?"

"It's Old Archadian," she said quietly. "I recognize it from some texts in Larsa's library." She pushed it back into his hands and turned away. How did this made any kind of sense? She had been--had been--

She couldn't even think the word, and that made her more furious. She wasn't going to do this; she wasn't going to let them make her a complete helpless wreck.

She was stronger than this. She had to be.

Steeling herself, she forced her mind to conjure the word. She had been _raped. _Raped, for a _piece of parchment?_ Not that _anything _could ever be worth what had been done to her, but she had somehow expected something…else. Of course, she had no idea what this said; it could be a map to hidden treasure, or a secret message with important information. She really didn't care. She was ready to burn the parchment to a crisp and be done with the whole damn thing, and probably would have, had Vaan not tucked it into his pocket.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Not letting this out of my sight, for starters. I'm sure not giving it to _them," _he spat. "I want to know what it is."

Penelo closed her eyes tightly. "Vaan--"

"I want to know what's _so important _that they did this to you."

Penelo's lips trembled, and she pressed them into a thin line. She didn't know if she wanted to get into this any deeper, but…

She pressed her hands against her eyes and took a deep breath. "Wait." She walked back into the bedroom and shut the door in Vaan's face. Taking a long, deep breath, she found her clothing, which Vaan had haphazardly folded while she was in the shower. She stared at it; most all of her clothes were her dancing pants and tops. She slowly picked her pants and stared at them, her mind frozen with the overwhelming memory of hands grabbing her, ripping at her clothes…

She dropped the pants as though they had burned her and covered her face with her hands. How long had it taken before she was comfortable in dancer's garb in the first place? Orphaned and wandering the streets of Rabanastre, she had always known the dangers that came with such a life, particularly for a girl, and she had dressed accordingly. Then she had traveled around Ivalice learning to wield bows, swords, daggers, spears, and even hammers. Though she had hated the heavy hammer; it had killed her shoulder, and Basch had been the one to tell her, "No, you mustn't wield it so, Penelo; you will do great damage to yourself."

She took a deep breath, clinging to this memory, of the concern on Basch's face as he showed her how to hold the hammer properly, because it pulled her mind away from her horror.

Yes, she had learned to fight, and finally felt comfortable enough in her abilities, confident enough in herself, to start dressing in dancing clothes.

And now she couldn't look at them. Slowly moving her hands away from her face, she dug through her clothing until she found an older outfit, one she hadn't worn in ages, one that was snug, but which covered up a lot more skin. There was something comforting in sliding the zipper up to her neck, buckling the straps and clasps. She didn't have her long boots anymore, though, and had to settle with putting her slippers on her feet. She tried to braid her hair, but her fingers were shaking, so she left it down until she could focus on it properly. Then she dug out her entire set of daggers and strapped them to her waist, taking a moment to hide a few of them in her clothing. Finally, she picked up her staves and took a deep breath. She was glad there wasn't a mirror in here; she was afraid to look at herself.

She stepped back out into the main room and Vaan stared at her for a long moment, but for once, he didn't make any dunderheaded comments.

Yes, she was really glad there wasn't a mirror. "We still have three teleport stones," she said, amazed at how level her voice sounded. "I want to go back to Rabanastre." She wanted to be _home_, and she still really didn't know if she wanted anything to do with finding out about that parchment, but she knew Vaan's stubbornness and didn't have the energy to argue with him.

Vaan gave her a blank look. "How are we going to find out what this is in Rabanastre?" he asked, patting the pocket where he had stashed the parchment.

Penelo didn't even give him her 'Vaan, you are so oblivious' look; she simply glanced at him and said, "Ashe has a library, too. Besides, they're more likely to look for us in Archades, aren't they, since that's where you were supposed to take this?"

"I--yes."

"See? What would you do without m--" Her voice caught in her throat and tears sprang back to her eyes.

There was a horrible, heavy pause, before Vaan said, "Okay, then. The gate crystal's on the other end of town."

"Yeah." Penelo's eyes scanned the cottage. "We can just take the important supplies and leave everything else."

Vaan silently helped her pack their two bags, watching her out of the corner of his eye. She focused entirely on the task of putting things into their packs, fighting desperately to maintain some semblance of control.

She saw Vaan close his bag with a vehement pull of strings. Before they stepped out the door, Penelo said, "Wait." She carefully cast reflect on them both. "There. Just in case. Though now I can't heal you if something happens, so try not to get yourself knocked out, okay?" She tried to sound like her normal teasing self, but her voice was strained and her smile fell flat.

They didn't leave through the front door; they climbed out one of the windows, their exit blocked from view of anyone who might be watching by a thick row of trees right outside.

Penelo felt a little better being out of the cottage in the fresh night air, being away from the place where she had just been attacked. She was used to picking her way through dark roads at night; it was familiar, and she and Vaan had no trouble slinking through the darkness and shadows, finding the paths that would keep them hidden from prying eyes.

They made it to the gate crystal without running into anyone or anything, and raced across the clearing to reach it. It was only after the world was disappearing in a flash of white that Penelo saw several figures running toward them, toward the crystal, but she and Vaan disappeared before she could get a good look at them.

Still, her heart was racing and her palms were sweaty when her vision cleared and she found herself standing outside the South Gate in Rabanastre. She held her breath and stared at the crystal for a moment, half-afraid it would activate and her attackers would appear, but nothing happened. Taking a deep breath, she turned and strode toward the gate entrance. Van ran to catch up with her, and as they passed through the doors and climbed the stairs, he frowned at her as she turned northeast. "Where are you going?"

"We can't exactly walk up to the palace in the middle of the night," she said. "We can try to get to Ashe tomorrow. Right now I…I'm tired." She looked around nervously. "And I don't want to go to Lowtown. I'd rather--not run into anyone right now, if we can avoid it." _Filo, Kytes, Tomaj…they don't need to see me right now. I don't want them to see me right now._

He walked with her until she stopped in front of Migelo's, glancing at him. He wordlessly dug out the key Migelo had given them "in case you ever need somewhere to go" and unlocked the door.

The sundries' shop was completely dark save for the weak moonlight that managed to reach the windows. Vaan followed Penelo around the tables toward the back storeroom, which had a only a tiny window high on the wall. She went inside and slipped her pack off her shoulders, dropping it on a pile of bags stuffed full of phoenix down and carefully setting down her staves before sinking to the ground. Closing her eyes, she rested her head back against the bags, pressing her hand against her daggers and taking comfort in their presence.

She could almost feel Vaan hovering, and she heard him scuffling around, but she didn't open her eyes to look at him. The events of the night were hitting her hard, and she hadn't lied--she was completely exhausted, though she had no idea how she was possibly going to be able to sleep. She was fighting so desperately _not _to think right now, but if she fell asleep, she was sure she would dream, and was not at all keen on reliving this night in her sleep.

Vaan had finally settled somewhere, because she didn't hear him moving around. She took slow, deep breaths, and wasn't sure how long she had lay there before Vaan spoke. He seemed to be half talking to her, half to himself, and she realized that he probably thought she was sleeping.

"I'm sorry, Penelo." A long sigh. "I know this is my fault. I--I always seem to be pulling you into trouble, don't I? And you're always jumping in right behind me, usually to yell at me and pull me out of it. I never really realized…"

_Realized what?_ she wondered, her stomach tightening and tears burning again underneath her eyelids. _That your grand adventures aren't always so grand? _

That was unfair. She was the one who had decided to follow him, because how could she not? He was Vaan; he was a part of her. He was everything she had, everything she wanted, and everything she was afraid of losing. She was his partner and that was just how it was.

"You're always telling me it's going to be okay as long as we keep going. As long as we keep hoping." Another sigh. "I know you're not okay. I don't know how to make this better. I'm just…sorry."

A tear slid out from under Penelo's eyelid and traced a path down her cheek. She didn't move to wipe it away, hoping he wouldn't see it in the darkness of the storeroom. She was suddenly, irrationally angry at Vaan. Angry that he had taken this job, angry that he hadn't been there to help her when she needed it, and she allowed her anger to wash over her for about ten seconds before she shoved it away.

This was not Vaan's fault. He couldn't have known. She was the one who hadn't been able to defend herself; she had been the one who always chose to follow him. She had always felt safe with him, even walking through deadly forests and deserts. Even when facing monsters. Even when flying old, unreliable airships.

She hated that her sense of security had been ripped from her again, in a way that she had never before experienced. As if life hadn't given her enough things to take away her stability.

Somehow, she wasn't entirely sure when, sleep sucked her into its dark embrace. She had been right; she did relive what happened to her in her nightmares, and dreamed of a hand pressing against her mouth, stifling her voice and her breath, only to wake abruptly and find that it was her own hand covering her mouth, holding in a scream. She moved her hand away from her face, shaking and sweating.

Vaan was asleep opposite her, his head leaning against some boxes of potions. His sword was by his side, one hand resting on it, and Penelo let out a long breath. She tensed again when she heard a noise coming from the shop. A quick glance at the window showed her that it was still dark. Slowly and silently she rose to her feet, grasping her staves, and nudged open the storeroom door, weapons at ready.

She relaxed only when she saw Migelo, in the middle of doing his usual pre-dawn routine of making sure the shop was ready to open for those travelers and traders who departed the city at sunrise.

He caught sight of her and fully faced her. "Penelo! What are you doing here?"

Vaan came stumbling out of the storeroom at that moment, sword in hand, blinking with eyes that were sleepy but alert.

"And Vaan, of course. What are you two doing in the storeroom? Or do I really want to know?" Migelo looked back and forth between them and took in their wary postures, their weapons, their lack of smiles, and he waved them out to the room. "Run into some trouble, hmm? Glorious life of a sky pirate not quite as glorious as you first thought, Vaan?"

Vaan mumbled something incoherent that really didn't constitute an answer, and Migelo said, "Let's get you some breakfast and you can tell me about it."

Panic rose up inside Penelo; she did _not _want to tell Migelo about it. She glanced at Vaan, who caught her expression and said, "That's okay. We need to head out anyway."

Migelo looked at them suspiciously, and not without concern. "If you're sure…" At Vaan's nod, he said, "All right, then. You stop back by if you need anything before setting out again."

"We will." Vaan retreated back into the storeroom and grabbed their bags, and they went back out onto the streets of Rabanastre. Dawn was just arriving, the sky barely beginning to lighten, and Penelo was relieved to see it. There was always something about the sun that could lighten the shadows in her mind, even just a little.

"Now what?" Vaan asked. "Should we go to the palace now? Ashe is probably awake. You know how she is."

Penelo didn't much like the idea of seeing Ashe right now, either. She had suggested they come here because she wanted to be in Rabanastre, but facing Ashe…they might not have been best friends on their journey, but after spending months with a person, you couldn't help getting to know them inside out and backwards, and the ruler of Dalmasca was nothing if not perceptive. She would probably take one look at Penelo and know that something was horribly wrong, and then she would try to pry it out, either by bluntly demanding to know what was going on or by shrewdly cajoling the information out of them. It really depended on what kind of mood she was in.

_You can't avoid people forever, _Penelo told herself firmly. _You have to stand up and move on. You don't have a choice. You can't change what happened._

Her gaze went to the palace in the distance, and she clenched her jaw in determination. "Yeah. Let's go to the palace."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you to my two reviewers. :) I appreciate you taking the time to review. It's always rough starting a new story in a new fandom, because (for me, at least), it's not always easy figuring out the characters. I'm constantly asking myself "does this make sense? Would he do this? Would she say that?" until I get more comfortable writing them, and even then I question. It's always nice to know how other people think I'm doing.**

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Chapter Three

The guards at the palace gate stopped them and eyed them with great suspicion, hands tightening on weapons, no doubt in response to seeing their own weapons.

"Get along with you," one of the guards growled.

"We're here to see the queen," Vaan replied.

The guards tensed and one of them started to say, "You're going to be headed for the dungeons, if you don't--" He stopped abruptly when Penelo held out a round, rather plain token.

"Where did you get that?" the guard asked suspiciously, taking it from Penelo and examining it. "Stole it, did you?"

"We got it from Ashe--Queen Ashelia--when we were helping _restore her throne_," Vaan said pointedly.

The guards exchanged glances. "You expect us to believe _you _two did that?"

"If you don't believe us, you can keep us shut out here, but Queen Ashelia won't be too pleased you kept her friends out here--especially after she gave us that pass--" Penelo nodded at the token "--so we could see her."

Which was true. It was supposed to be for emergencies, but if this didn't count as an emergency, he didn't know what would.

"All right, then, but you aren't going anywhere near Her Majesty so armed. Weapons stay here 'til you leave, understand?"

Vaan and Penelo disarmed, Penelo rather reluctantly. She hesitated before handing the guards her staves and belt of daggers, and one of them glared at her suspiciously. "There're some daggers missing here, aren't there? You got 'em hidden?" He reached for Penelo, no doubt trying to search her, but she jerked back so fast his fist only closed on air.

Vaan slid in front of her and glared at the guard. "Back off."

"Here now, we aren't letting her in without searching her."

"Then you're going to have to do it without touching her. Or do you really want me telling Ashe--er, Her Majesty--that you were groping her guests?"

"Here." Penelo slowly began pulling daggers out of places that made Vaan wonder how she hadn't managed to stab herself. She handed each one carefully to the guard, who counted until he was satisfied that her standard-sized dagger set was complete.

Five minutes later, they had been escorted into a chamber to wait for Ashe, their weapons to be reclaimed after they left the palace.

Normally, Vaan would have been looking around with interest, tallying up the worth of the gilded frames, the intricately-designed rugs, the antique decorations. Now, he only glanced around the room, mostly out of habit, and sat next to Penelo on the couch, feeling nervous and twitchy, like he always did when he was somewhere like this, as out of place as a chocobo on an airship.

It wasn't long before Ashe arrived, accompanied by a bodyguard. She spoke to him quietly as soon as she saw Vaan and Penelo, and he stepped out into the hall. She closed the door and turned to look at them for a long moment. "To what do I owe this very early morning visit?" she asked. "You're not here in search of treasure, I hope." This comment was directed toward Vaan. Her eyes, however, lingered on Penelo, a slight frown touching her forehead.

Vaan didn't blame her. Penelo looked nothing like she usually did; her old clothes were back on, and her hair fell in a tangled mess. It was her face that said the most, though. Her eyes were dark and haunted, the corners of her mouth pinched, her face pale.

Vaan stood up, digging the crumpled parchment out of his pocket and handing it out to Ashe. She straightened it out and raised her eyebrows. "Old Archadian? What is this? A map to hidden treasure? If you brought this here in hopes--"

"It's nothing like that," Vaan said, cutting her off. That would normally have been when Penelo would chastise him for treating their queen with such disrespect, (not that he paid attention; once you had seen your queen sweaty and bloody, once you had rescued her and been rescued by her, it didn't matter how much more power she had, because she was still _Ashe_), but Penelo didn't speak, and Ashe's look of exasperation was more than sufficient. He ignored her look, too. "We just need to find out what it says."

"So it could, perhaps, be a map to hidden treasure," Ashe said skeptically.

"I don't know. Look, Ashe--your majesty, we just need to know what it is."

"Why?"

"Because some really bad people want to get their hands on it."

"What 'really bad people?'"

"Some--they hurt Penelo," Vaan snapped in exasperation. "They wanted _that._"

Ashe's eyes narrowed shrewdly, and she looked for a long moment at Penelo before taking a seat on a chair across from her. "Perhaps you could start from the beginning?"

Penelo looked down and pressed her face into her hands. Ashe studied her and finally murmured, "I believe I understand." Her eyes moved to Vaan. "Tell me where you got this."

Vaan heaved a sigh and dropped back down beside Penelo. He explained briefly about their visit to the small coastal town of Kierth, and Ashe stopped him. "This happened in Dalmasca?"

"Yes."

Her brow furrowed, and she nodded at him to continue. He told her about the Seeq and his charge to take a package to a lord in Archades.

"What lord?"

"Some Lord Durshcen."

"Hm. I know him not."

"Me, neither." Vaan went on to tell her about his meeting with the strange woman in the hood. "She had an accent, almost like some of the people in Archades. Not the snobby lords and ladies, but the normal people."

Penelo frowned slightly, and Ashe sighed, before Vaan realized maybe he shouldn't have implied that Ashe was abnormal.

"Anyway, she gave me the package, and I went back to the cottage. Penelo was--" Here, he stopped. He was not going to go into details; he didn't even want to think about it. He hesitated a moment, and then said, "Hurt." It was probably the biggest understatement that had ever come out of his mouth.

Ashe glanced at Penelo, then swiftly stood to her feet, the paper still clutched in her hand. "I will have this translated. I will be leaving tomorrow for Rozarria, but we should know what this is before I must depart." She waved the parchment. "In the meantime, you are welcome to stay here, as long as there is to be no…plundering."

Vaan started to immediately tell her no, thanks, he'd rather _not _stay at the palace, but then he stopped. Penelo would be safe here, wouldn't she? He turned to her and she met his eyes, torn. She bit her lip and looked at her hands, and finally nodded. "Thank you, Ashe."

Ashe nodded, frowning again as she looked at Penelo. "Someone will be here momentarily to show you to a room." She opened the door and rejoined her bodyguard, talking to him in a hushed voice as they hurried down the long hallway outside.

Someone came a moment later to escort them to a suite. It was as huge and luxurious as anything else in the palace, more of an apartment than anything. Vaan poked his head into one of the bedrooms and calculated that the worth of the furniture in that one room alone was probably more than all the airships he had owned put together.

"They said they would bring breakfast for us."

Vaan jumped at the sudden sound of Penelo's voice right behind him and swiveled to face her. "Okay." Miraculously, he still was not hungry. Probably because his stomach was completely tied in knots.

"I wish there was a kitchen. I-I wish I had something to do." Penelo walked over to one of the huge windows in the bedroom, pushing the curtain aside and gazing out it.

"Yeah." It was going to be a long, long day. And what about the next day? If Ashe had that paper translated, what then? There was still that lord in Archades they were supposed to deliver it to, and the men who had attacked Penelo. He would rather be out there, hunting them down and finding answers than sitting in the palace waiting for a translation, but he had already brought trouble down on them. On Penelo. Because of him, she had been…

He squeezed his eyes shut against the image.

Someone brought breakfast to their door, and Vaan found he was hungrier than he had thought. He ate quickly, while Penelo picked at the food, choking down only a few bites before pushing it away. She looked completely exhausted, and Vaan wondered if she had slept at all the night before.

The day was as horribly long as Vaan had feared it would be. He felt stifled and trapped in the palace suite, and he was sure Penelo felt the same way, but they didn't really have anywhere else to go. Sure, they could head for Lowtown or go back to Migelo's, but Penelo shook her head at both these ideas. He understood; she didn't want to run into people they knew, and he really didn't blame her. It had been hard enough seeing Migelo and remembering the Bangaa's request that he watch out for Penelo while they were off adventuring.

Some job he had done.

The first half of the day was strained and uncomfortable. It felt almost like it had every time they had lost someone they loved--his parents, her family, and finally Reks--when they had struggled to get through the following days, seeking some sense of balance and even a hint of normality. They had worked hard to get so far, to come to the point where they had their lives pieced back together, and now that was gone, stolen in one terrible act of violence.

Penelo's exhaustion caught up with her mid-afternoon, when she fell asleep on the couch, slumped over in a rather uncomfortable-looking position. Vaan sighed and threw himself restlessly on a chair across from her, watching her sleep. He should be _doing _something.

It was times like this that he thought a lot about his brother. Reks would have known what to do. He had always known what to do; he had always been the tactful one, and he would have know what to say to her--or what _not _to say to her. He would have known what to do to help her. Then again, Reks probably wouldn't have failed her so badly in the first place. "You look after her while I'm gone, Vaan," he had told Vaan just before he departed for war. "Keep her close, okay? I don't know if you'll ever find another girl willing to put up with your sorry ass."

_I tried, Reks, _Vaan thought silently, his eyes on Penelo. _I kept her close. And look what it got her._

He didn't realize that he had fallen asleep until he woke with a start, looking frantically around, trying to figure out where was and what was going on. He relaxed when he remembered that he was in a suite in the palace…until he saw that the couch across from him was empty.

He swiftly stood to his feet. The suite was completely dark; he had slept the rest of the day away. With a sinking sensation of déjà vu, he called, "Penelo?"

His heart was thudding in his chest when she didn't answer, and he wondered if she would have just left. He didn't think so, but with everything that had happened, he didn't know what would have been running through her mind. Maybe she had needed to get away.

To get away from him.

He ran toward the bedrooms; the first one was empty, but his heart sank in relief when he saw her in the second room, again standing at the window. She was gazing out at Rabanastre, and didn't turn around even when he said her name again. "Penelo?"

She took a deep, sniffling breath and wiped her hands across her face. When she turned to face him, she had perhaps the most forced smile he had ever seen on her tearstained face, a smile that touched her lips but not her eyes.

He breathed a sigh and approached her.

"Sorry," she said, averting her eyes. "I--had trouble sleeping. I didn't want to wake you." She looked even more exhausted than she had before her nap. He knew well her levels of exhaustion, having lived with her for many years and seen her in pretty much every state imaginable.

As the next few hours passed, he was wide awake, but Penelo was almost swaying on her feet. When he suggested she just go to bed, she shook her head quickly. "I--can't."

"Why?"

"I keep dreaming," she said simply, and he understood. They had both had more than their fair share of nightmares in the past, and in that, at least, he knew what to do. If she would let him try. It had always worked before when she had nightmares.

Silently, he took her by the hand, and she didn't resist when he pulled her into the nearest bedroom, switching on the light before flopping down onto the bed. She stood there staring at him for several heartbeats before she slowly crawled onto the bed beside him. She didn't move into his arms, but she did reach out and gently brush her fingers across his cheek. She dropped her hand onto his and closed her eyes.

He was wide awake, but he didn't dare move, even after he was sure she was asleep. She had always been a light sleeper, and had become even more so recently, when she had to be wary from all sorts of dangers that could attack her during the night as they journeyed around Ivalice.

He lay there for what seemed like hours, and since he wasn't keeping track of the time, it could have very well been hours, and then Penelo started moving around restlessly in her sleep. Her face scrunched up, and when she started thrashing, flailing her arms and legs, he reached over and shook her shoulder. "Penelo!"

She opened her eyes with a scream, and she was so close to the edge of the bed that when she tried to move, she fell onto the floor with a crash, yanking half the sheets with her, because her legs were tangled in them.

Vaan jumped off the bed and bent down to try to help her, but she lashed out with her hand, almost hitting him. "Don't touch me!"

Shocked at the panic and terror in her voice, he withdrew his hand and rolled back on his heels, helplessly watching her sit up and yank her legs out of the sheets. She tucked her knees up to her chest and pressed her face into them, her shoulders trembling. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Vaan didn't know what to say, so he said nothing. Penelo straightened and dragged herself to her feet, keeping her eyes averted from him. "I-I think I'm--I think I'll get some water."

He watched her walk out of the room and then fell back onto the floor with a sigh, lying flat on his back and staring at the ceiling. He didn't blame Penelo for her reaction, but it still made him miserable. He always hated seeing her broken, and he was probably the only one who had really ever seen that in her. She always had a brave face on, was always the one telling others not to worry because she was tougher than she looked. And in many ways, she was, but there was always a part of her nature that was gentle and loving, a part of her that allowed her to truly sympathize when others were in pain. A part that was completely affected by the suffering she or those around her went through, but which she tried so hard not to show anyone.

He also knew that there was nothing that was going to miraculously make all of this better. He knew they would get through it; they always did. They _had _to get through it, but this was a situation he had never dealt with before, so he didn't know the steps that would pull them onward.

Maybe Ashe would have some answers in the morning. It might not make things better, but it might at least help a little bit. Right now, he would take anything he could get.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thank you to my reviewers on the last chapter: Reaper's Shadow, eolhcsullivan452, and xxBloody-Lovexx. :)**

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Chapter Four

Penelo didn't sleep for the rest of the night, and neither did Vaan. Though she was completely exhausted, it did give her the chance to really think about what she wanted to do next.

She knew that Vaan would eventually go searching for another airship. He might stay in Rabanastre for a while, but he could never sit still for long. He had always gone a little stir-crazy, but before, he had been trying so hard to run away. After their many adventures in saving the world, he had stopped running away from life and started running toward it. And once he started, he just couldn't stop, so she knew that he wouldn't stay forever. He also would not be able to rest long until he tried to solve the mystery of who had hurt her.

She, on the other hand, had always thought she would be content in once place--in her home there in the city in which she had grown, played, loved…except that she was not complete or content without Vaan. Right now, she knew for certain that she didn't want to go anywhere for a while. She didn't exactly want to face Migelo again, or any of the other orphans, but at least if she did, she would be somewhere comforting and familiar.

She wrestled with herself and her numerous wayward emotions for the remainder of the night, until she finally made a decision. No matter what Ashe learned, she wasn't going off chasing it. She would stay here, talk to Migelo, see if she could work for him again. She knew she and Vaan still had enough gil stashed away to maybe rent a room or a small apartment, and if they ran out of money, they could always venture out into the Giza Plains and gather some loot to sell.

Making a decision about what she was going to do with her life for even the next little while made the knot in her stomach loosen a bit. It gave her a tiny sense of control over something in her life, because right now she felt she had absolutely no control. Not that she had always been able to control what happened to her and around her, but being raped had taken it to an entirely new level.

She took a deep breath. "Vaan?"

He turned to her instantly. "Yeah?"

"I'm going to talk to Migelo later." She quickly told him what she had decided to do, and he nodded when she was done.

"Okay. We'll go see him after we talk to Ashe," he said simply, and the knot in her stomach loosened even more. She should have known that Vaan wouldn't outright leave her alone, but he _was _Vaan, which meant headstrong and impulsive, so she never was sure what he would decide to do next.

Just past dawn, Ashe arrived at the door to tell them what her head professor had discovered about the paper, which wasn't much. "He was able to translate it," she told them. "However, it was complete nonsense. It is possible--quite likely, in fact--that whoever wrote this did so in code. It would make it exceedingly difficult for anyone to interpret the message; Old Archadian is quite difficult without it being jumbled into a secret message."

Vaan sighed and folded his arms behind his head. "So that's it? What about Lord Durshcen? Maybe we could go to Archades and talk to him. He might know what it is."

"I already sent someone to him. He was found dead in his home during the night."

Penelo blinked and Vaan stared. "Dead?" he echoed.

"The officials in Archades have proclaimed it a suicide," Ashe said, but there was doubt in her voice. "I find that explanation quite--convenient, given the timing and the current situation. I also sent someone to investigate the Seeq who hired you in Kierth. He wasn't anywhere to be found. Whether he left on his own or through force, I know not. The people in town say he was well-known for his business as a middleman and deal broker. In this case, I suspect he was hired to find someone to deliver that message."

"Hired by--wait, that woman I met in the bar?" Vaan said.

"That would be my guess, but since we don't know who she is, we cannot do much at the moment. My professor is going to be working on trying to discover what is behind this paper. In the meantime, I am due in Rozarria. There is to be a fete in Archades next month to further the alliance between Rozarria and Archadia."

"I thought that was already all settled," Vaan said. "What with Larsa being emperor now and everything."

"It is settled," Ashe replied, "but maintaining peace between two empires involves a lot more than the rulers declaring it. Times are often tenuous and people more so. There are still many people on both sides who have had difficulty forgiving crimes. Thus, we must have reminders to all people that we stand united." She looked between Vaan and Penelo. "Is there somewhere I might send a message, should we learn anything?"

"Migelo's Sundries," Penelo said.

Ashe continued to study them for a moment. "I shall speak with you soon." She looked like she might say something else as she looked at Penelo, but she simply bid them good-bye and left the suite. Penelo was glad; she was sure that Ashe knew, or strongly suspected, what had happened to her, and that was hard enough.

Someone came to escort them out of the palace, and as soon as they were out on the streets, they wordlessly headed for Migelo's. The morning rush was just starting, and Migelo was helping a customer with something when they went in, while a woman Penelo didn't recognize sold items behind the counter. She wondered vaguely where the last shop clerk had gone.

Migelo caught sight of them. "Vaan! Penelo! Back so soon?" His jovial voice did not fool Penelo in the least. He was looking at her with far more concern than he had the day before, and she knew he was very worried. She didn't even want to imagine what she looked like--probably something like she had looked after traipsing through Sochen Cave Palace, covered in grime, blood, slime, and zombie bits. She had been unable to sleep properly for a week afterwards. This was similar, except she was dealing with a different kind of monster.

Migelo finished helping the customer and then took them aside. "What can I do for you two?"

"We were wondering if you might have some odd jobs we could do for a little while. We'll be staying around for now," Vaan explained.

Migelo looked between them with narrowed eyes. "I don't know what sort of trouble you landed yourselves in, but it's written all over you. Of course I have work you can do, and it just so happens that the apartment above the shop is open right now. I was going to rent it out, but I'd rather you two sleep there than in my storage closet. So what do you say you work for me in exchange for a place to stay, at least until you decide to run off on another adventure?"

Penelo flung her arms around Migelo and whispered, "You're too good."

"Pshaw." Migelo pattered her back. "Come on, then. I'll get you the keys. You can take a look around the apartment and then we'll set you to work." He eyed Penelo. "Though you look like you could use some rest, Penelo."

"That's okay," Penelo said quickly. She didn't want to sleep; she wanted to work, to keep moving. She needed that. She had needed to keep busy after her family died, after Reks was lost, after anything hard or painful in her life. "I'll be fine."

Migelo gave her an entirely unconvinced look, but didn't try to argue with her. "Come on, then."

He went into the storage closet and came back with a set of keys. "You know where the door is," he said, pressing the keys into Penelo's hand.

"Thank you." She headed behind the counter to the far side of the shop, where a wooden door was pressed against the side wall, difficult to see because of the merchandise around it. She unlocked the door, revealing a flight of stairs behind it. Vaan followed her up to another door at the top. She opened that one, too, and stepped inside the apartment. It was small, but perfect for them. It had two bedrooms, so Penelo dropped her bag in one room and turned to go back to the shop, but stopped abruptly when she was faced with a mirror hanging on the wall.

She had been wrong; she looked worse than when she emerged from Sochen Cave Palace. She could probably have been mistaken for a zombie at this point. She stared at herself for a long moment, half of her wanting to just close her eyes and start crying. She pressed her lips together and forced herself to keep looking in the mirror. She reached up and pulled her fingers through her hair, slowly separating it, glad to find that her fingers weren't trembling. She fell into the familiar pattern of braiding the pale strands, and when she was finished, she felt a little better. A little more recognizable.

_"One step at a time, Penelo,"_ her father had always told her. _"We can't do more than take life one step at a time."_

She gave her reflection one last look before she walked from the room to take this day one step at a time.

:--:--:

The following days went by without anything unusual happening, which was exactly what Penelo needed. Her nightmares, strong for the first few days, began to lessen as each night passed, until finally she was able to sleep without any nightmares, and she felt rested in the morning. On the nights when she did wake up in a panic, she always found Vaan asleep next to her, or sitting on the floor, his upper body folded over onto the bed.

He was always there for her, and she was thankful for it, but...their relationship hadn't changed, but parts of it had become…different. A little awkward sometimes. She didn't start or end her day by giving him a light kiss anymore. She had tried, once or twice, but couldn't quite bring herself to touch her lips to his. She struggled with herself, asking why she was having such a hard time. At first she thought it was because of what she had just suffered, but maybe that wasn't entirely right. Vaan was...Vaan. Maybe that was part of it. She knew he loved her, but she wasn't completely sure in what _sense_. She had been hoping for something from him. She had always been the one who kissed him, and it wasn't anything huge or deep, but he hadn't ever indicated he wanted it to change. And now…he didn't really touch her at all unless it was during one of her nightmares. In fact, he seemed to go out of his way _not_ to touch her, and sometimes that was fine, because she wanted to be left alone, but sometimes she just wanted...more.

She still felt a hollow sense of loss deep inside her, and it frustrated her, because it wasn't like anyone she loved had died, which was the only time she had ever experienced this emptiness. At the same time, she _had _lost something, and she had to accept it and allow herself to heal from it. Being in Rabanastre certainly helped, and when Filo and Kytes got word that she and Vaan were in the city and came pounding on their apartment door late one night (never mind how they got into Migelo's), she found she wasn't worried about seeing them. In fact, something inside of her seemed to breathe a sigh of contentment when the two of them started demanding to know why Vaan and Penelo hadn't told them they had come back to Rabanastre, why they were back so soon, and had they run off in the first place to elope? It certainly wasn't the first time she had fielded these questions. She and Vaan mostly just stood there until Filo and Kytes had run out of breath and Kytes asked, "Do you have any food?"

Rolling her eyes, Penelo went to get him something to eat. He and Filo stayed for a little longer before saying good night, though on the way out, Filo stopped in front of Penelo, a frown curving her mouth downward. "Are you okay, Penelo?"

Filo had always been a perceptive one. "I'll be fine," Penelo assured her.

"_Be_ fine. So you're not now?" Filo pursed her lips. "All right, I get it. You don't want to talk about it. I'm just glad you're home." She gave Penelo a tight hug, then waved and ran out the door after Kytes.

As the days passed, Penelo encountered many other people she knew, and she did fine. The more rest she got, the more she looked and felt like herself. She was glad, though, that she hadn't run into any of them the first few days; she had needed that time to gather herself together.

Still, as much as she was intently focusing on taking each day as it came and putting what had happened behind her, there was a part of her that definitely did not feel safe. She knew her attackers were still out there, possibly still looking for the paper now in Ashe's possession. Penelo kept wary and alert, knowing that they might be able to trace Vaan and her to Rabanastre. She made sure she kept her accessories on at all times--namely her black belt and a newly-acquired rose corsage to make her immune to silence. If they showed up again, she was not going to be caught off guard.

When two weeks had gone by, she began to think that maybe they were out of harm's way. The men hadn't known Vaan's name when they had come looking for him in the cottage that horrible night; they had been demanding to know where her 'accomplice' was. They wouldn't have been able to track them using the airship they had left behind, either, because Vaan hadn't had time to register it to his name.

Maybe that would just be the end of it and she and Vaan would be left in peace. That was all she had ever wanted. All she _still_ wanted. She had fought so hard for it, so why did it always have to seem so unattainable right when she thought it was within her grasp?

She should have known better than to dare think it could be over. Just after their second week back in Rabanastre had ended, she was downstairs in Migelo's. The shop had just opened and a few travelers were buying supplies. Penelo was manning the counter until the regular clerk came in for the day. Vaan, of course, was still sound asleep up in the apartment.

She was crouched down behind the counter, unloading a box of eye drops, when the bell over the door jingled, indicating another customer had entered. Migelo greeted them with a boisterous, "Welcome to Migelo's Sundries!"

Penelo almost stood up, but she froze when she heard the next voice. "I'm looking for two young people. I am told they often work in this shop. Do you know where I might find Vaan or Penelo?"

His voice was a mask of light pleasantness, but Penelo had heard that same voice being cold and calculating. She would have recognized it anywhere. She had been forced to listen to it during one of the worst moments of her life. Her breath caught in her throat as all the blood drained from her face. She didn't move, didn't breathe, willing Migelo not to give her away. She pulled her daggers out, holding them tightly, and was suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to stand up and throw them toward the speaker. The urge was so completely unlike her, and it terrified her with its intensity, maybe even more than the sound of his voice terrified her.

Migelo wasn't stupid, and he knew she was right there. Obviously, the fact that she hadn't stood up and announced her presence told him she didn't _want _to be announced. Besides, he had always had a keen sense of people…maybe he knew that there was something wrong with the man.

"Ahh, Vaan and Penelo! Of course I know them. Yes, they have worked for me many times, and very recently. I'm afraid you've just missed them--they headed off last night. It's always been a bit difficult to keep them tied down to any one place."

"I see." The man didn't sound entirely convinced. "Would you, perhaps, know where I might find them? I have rather pressing business with them."

He had to be from Archadia. Penelo had suspected as much after hearing his accent the first time, but the more she listened to him talk, she realized that he definitely sounded Archadian.

"I do believe they said something about Archades. Business with old friends."

It was a smart move on Migelo's part--if this man _had _found out about Vaan and Penelo, he would likely have learned about their connection to Larsa. And Archades was very far away from Rabanastre, unless one happened to have a teleport stone. Even then, Migelo's story could buy them some time.

There was a long, heavy silence, and the man spoke again. "Very well."

Penelo didn't move even after she again heard the door open and close with the jangle of the bell. She wasn't sure if it was fear or anger that held her in place.

Migelo came around the counter and looked down at her in concern. "Penelo?"

She was shaking, her daggers still grasped tightly in her hands. When Migelo reached toward her, worried, she rose swiftly to her feet, making the decision before she consciously thought about it. Without a word to Migelo, she jumped over the counter and opened the door, cautiously peering out. She saw a few people out and about, but the streets were mostly quiet as she slipped outside, searching until she saw the lone figure heading away from the shop. She clenched her jaw and gripped her daggers tighter before following him.

She wasn't entirely sure what she was doing, but she was functioning almost automatically, one part of her mind screaming at her to turn around and walk back into Migelo's, the other part leading her one step after the other after the man who had brought tbe most recent upheaval to her life.

She stopped and watched him cross toward the South Gate, which meant he was headed for the gate crystal or the desert. She waited until he had gone down the stairs out of sight before running across the square. South Gate was already open, allowing him through. She saw him walk to the gate crystal and touch it before the doors again shut, blocking her vision of him.

"Penelo!"

The sound of Vaan calling her name brought her attention around behind her. He was racing toward her, and as soon as he reached her, he grabbed her by the shoulders. She stared at him, wide-eyed, and whispered, "He's gone."

"He--was it--?"

"Yes." She pulled away form him and sheathed her daggers, glaring down the stairs at the South Gate. "I think he teleported away."

"What were you thinking? Why did you do that? What if there had been more of them again? You could have walked straight into a trap! It was really _stupid_, Penelo!"

"I'm not a child, Vaan!" Penelo didn't know why she was suddenly so angry with him, but she was. "I don't need you to tell me what to do and not to do. I can take care of myself!"

"Yeah, which is why you were chasing after the man who _raped you._"

The palm of her hand connected with his face before she even realized it was moving, and she instantly regretted it. What was she doing? He was just worried about her, and hadn't she given him reason to be?

"I'm sorry," she said, looking down at her feet.

There was a pause, and then a sigh. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have--you just scared me. Migelo was worried enough that he woke me up and I thought--"

"I just--I don't want to have to prove myself to you again. I don't--"

"Hey." Vaan's hands were on her shoulders again, gentler than before. "You don't have to prove yourself to me. You never did. I-I always worried about you."

Penelo let out a long breath and admitted to herself that he was right. He had always tried to protect her, even after she knew how to fight well--always jumping in front of her to take blows aimed at her, and usually just blocking her own aim in the process.

"I guess we're not really safe anywhere anymore," Penelo said.

"They don't know we're here. You should stay put for now."

"_I _should stay put? What about you?"

"I'm going to Archades. I'm going to do some poking around. I know, I know, Ashe sent investigators already, but maybe I'll be able to learn more."

Penelo bit her lip and looked up at him. Whatever insanity had overtaken her and sent her following her attacker had disappeared, and she just wanted to go back to the apartment and curl up on her bed. Still, there was a small part of her, the part that always eventually rose to fight back, the part that could never stay downtrodden for long, that wanted nothing to do with curling up on a bed, or letting Vaan go alone to Archades. He would probably go and do something incredibly idiotic, like annoying the wrong person and getting himself arrested.

It was the expression of determination on Vaan's face that made up her mind. "Then I'm coming with you."

"Penelo."

"I'm not just going to sit around and wait for you to get back. I'm sure that man--" she jabbed her finger toward South Gate "--is Archadian. He could be a lot more familiar with Archades than _you _are, and Migelo just told him we were headed that way, so chances are high that's where he went. You don't even know what he looks like."

"He doesn't know what I look like, either," Vaan pointed out. "You, on the other hand, he's had a really good look at."

The double meaning behind those words hit Penelo hard. She knew he hadn't meant it that way, but it still made her feel dirty and ashamed all over again, like it had been all her fault that she had gotten raped.

Vaan cringed as he realized what he'd just said. "I didn't mean--"

"I want to come with you," she said. "We've got two teleport stones left, so we can make the round trip quickly."

His eyes searched hers, and she met his gaze stubbornly. He finally sighed again. "Okay."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: **Thank you to my reviewers on the last chapter: Reaper's Shadow, eolhcsullivan452, xxBloody-Lovexx, and Sora. And Sora, since you reviewed anonymously and I couldn't send you a message to reply to your feedback, I hope you don't mind if I do it here. I totally know what you're saying, because it is exactly what I would have thought had I been reading this. As the writer, though, the things you asked me are things I've already thought about and planned for, and funnily enough, some of them are in this next chapter.

The plot, honestly, was not something I meant or wanted to write at all (the plot with the Archadians, I mean). It just sort of happened, and when it did, I realized I was going to have to address it in the first few chapters so that the end of it would work. I really just wanted to focus on Penelo and what she's going through, which, as you said, I haven't much yet, but that was deliberate for the beginning of this. Her recovery is far from over, but the thing with Penelo at this point is that she's trying so desperately hard _to _recover, to get everything to be okay again, even though it is completely _not _okay. And some things that she _thinks _are her recovering--like sleeping better during the night--are not quite what they appear to be, but for that, you'll have to see Vaan's perspective on the past two weeks in this next chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Five**

Vaan and Penelo went back to their apartment to get the teleport stones. Vaan kept a close watch on Penelo all the way back. Her lips were pressed in a thin line, her hands clenched around her daggers, and he wondered if she even knew she had pulled them back out of their sheaths.

There had been many times in his life when he had been scared for Penelo, but nothing compared to the last couple of weeks. He was finding himself increasingly frustrated, both at himself and at her. Frustrated at himself because he wanted to help her and he wasn't sure anything he did actually helped at all. Which tied into his frustration with her. She was trying to convince herself--and him--that she was okay, and he knew she wasn't. He knew because he was the one who woke up to her screaming from a nightmare. He was the one who heard her crying when she thought he was asleep. He was the one who saw the look of utter devastation that came into her eyes sometimes when she let down her guard for more than ten seconds. He was the one who saw how jumpy she was around men, and when she was distracted, she was even skittish around him. There had been one time when he had walked up behind her while she was cooking dinner and brushed against her arm, and she had jumped so hard she had dropped her spoon.

So he was very, very careful not to touch her, not wanting to make the situation any worse. She didn't touch him, either, unless she was having a nightmare, and then he stayed next to her and sometimes she clung to him. Otherwise, she didn't hold his arm or squeeze his hand as she had done pretty much the entire time he had known her. She didn't kiss him, either, but that was new anyway, and he didn't expect her to continue it after what she had just been through…but he did miss the little things.

He wanted to tell her she didn't have to pretend everything was all right; she didn't have to conceal what she was going through, but as the days passed, he began to suspect that she didn't _think _she was pretending anything, and that she was concealing what she was going through even from herself. She said that she needed time to heal, but she had always hated being seen as weak. She had never wanted to be a burden to anyone, and that carried over into how she handled this situation.

She was in denial about just how much she was suffering. He had seen it before in numerous people after they lost homes and family and friends, but he had never seen it to this extent in Penelo. He knew for sure that this was an issue when he heard her crying during the night once, and found her sitting in the corner of the living room, her arms wrapped around her knees. When he tried speaking to her, she didn't seem aware that he was there, and he finally realized that she was actually sleepwalking. He had managed to get her back to her bed, and sat next to her until she stopped crying.

The next morning, she didn't say anything about it, and he realized that she didn't remember any of it. He let it go, but when it happened again the next night, he told her what had happened. She stared at him and said, "I-I did that?"

"Yeah."

Penelo blinked rapidly and turned away. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry! I just--maybe you should take something to help you sleep."

"No," she said quickly. "I'll be fine, Vaan."

The third night after he woke to find her curled up in one corner of the living room, he went to the bazaar first thing in the morning and bought some herb powder from one of the sellers there. It was commonly used to cause a dreamless sleep. He felt horribly guilty when he put some in her drink that night, but he was so worried about her and knew that she wouldn't take it on her own.

She didn't wake up once that night, and in the morning, she looked better than she had in days. The dark rings under her eyes were finally gone, and her smile wasn't quite as forced.

He put it in her drink again the next night, feeling even worse than before. He was scared. Scared for Penelo, scared because he didn't know how to help her except for throwing herbs in her juice, scared because she was so determined to move on and she couldn't see that she was stuck firmly in place. He didn't have anyone to talk to about it, either. Migelo still knew something was wrong, but he had never prodded too much if they didn't want to talk. He told Vaan one day, "You just take care of her, Vaan," which made Vaan feel worse, because he _hadn't _taken care of her enough and this had happened, and now he didn't know what to do.

The moment Migelo had come knocking on the door and told him Penelo had reacted really strangely to a man who came into the shop--"shaking like a leaf behind the counter, and then she just ran off after him, holding her daggers"--his heart had stopped in his chest. The fear that flowed through him as he raced out of the apartment had been dizzying. Had she just gone off after one of the men who had been there that night, or worse, after the one who had raped her?

When he found her and found out that yes, she had, he wanted to grab her and shake her for being such an idiot. He at least told her it was stupid, and somehow it ended up with him saying something he shouldn't have and getting slapped for it. It wasn't the first time _that _had happened.

It was then that he decided he was going to Archades to dig around a little. Maybe if he did, maybe if he found something, _anything, _it would help her. Maybe it would help him.

Except she wanted to go with him. While not entirely unsurprising, Vaan didn't want to risk her running into her rapist again. He didn't want to risk her at all, and the look in her eyes worried him. She was holding herself together with a very thin thread right now, and once it snapped, he didn't know what would happen. It worried him more that she didn't really see that there even _was _a thread. Like if she told herself it was okay, then that was it, because she would _make _it okay.

He waited until they were back in the apartment, and when Penelo went into the bathroom, he slipped the teleport stones into his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "Sorry, Penelo," he whispered. She was going to kill him when he got back.

He was about to walk out the door when he suddenly heard her sobbing. It brought his steps to a halt, and he went over to the bathroom door and knocked. "Penelo?"

He heard her gasping through her sobs, trying to catch her breath. "I'm-I'm okay," she choked out, but kept crying.

"Penelo!"

There was a pause, and then she opened the door and flung her arms around his neck, crying into his shoulder. He froze for a moment, and then hugged her in return. _I knew it was stupid of her to go after him. I knew--_

"I-I-" Her crying was slowing, and she finally pulled away from him, covering her face with her hands. "I started my monthly cycle." And then she started crying harder again.

He stared at her, totally dumbfounded. He had only ever paid attention to Penelo's monthly cycles because during that time she tended to be a little moody and had an insatiable craving for all things sweet and salty, but it had never made her _cry _before.

"I'm not pregnant," she blurted, and then Vaan went completely cold.

He had not thought about the possibility of her being pregnant. He wasn't a complete idiot; he knew where babies came from, but he really wasn't sure of the timeline of things or where monthly cycles came into play. He had been so focused on the horror of the rape that he hadn't thought of the horror of the rape mixed in with the possibility of pregnancy, and he wanted to hit himself for missing something so obvious.

"I-I didn't let myself think about it," she said, pressing her hands over her face. "I didn't want to--I didn't realize how scared I was until now." She took several deep, calming breaths and rubbed away her tears. She folded her arms around herself and looked up at him, suddenly seeming very small. "Vaan?"

"Uh--yeah?" He was still feeling dazed from the sudden realization that Penelo could have gotten pregnant, and he was very glad it hadn't occurred to him before that moment.

"I don't want to go to Archades. I'm not…"

She didn't finish the sentence, but he knew what she was thinking. She wasn't ready…and if had taken starting her monthly cycle to snap her into the reality that she _really wasn't ready, _then he was thankful for that. He breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he wouldn't have to sneak out after all. "Okay."

"You're still going." It wasn't a question.

"Yeah."

"Be careful?"

"You know me."

Penelo looked ready to burst into tears again. "Maybe I should come after all."

"No, no. I'll be careful, okay? Just…stay here. Promise me if he comes back, or anyone else comes, you won't go chasing after them, okay?"

"Vaan, I can--"

"--take care of yourself. Just promise me anyway."

"Only if you promise to be back by tonight."

"Promise."

Penelo studied him for a moment and then nodded. "All right."

:--:--:

Vaan hated Archades. He had always hated it; the people there were so snobbish and high-minded, and completely obsessed with superficial nonsense and pine chops. At least he was somewhat familiar with parts of the city, which made it easier to find his way around. He really had no idea what he was looking for; he just wanted to do something, to find some snippet of an answer.

What he found was nothing. He spent the entire day listening to Archadians talk of the fete Larsa would be hosting in three weeks, talking of gowns and guests and other things he didn't care one bit about.

It did give him chills to think that he could walk by one of Penelo's attackers at any moment and not know it; he kept an eye out for anyone missing fingers. The man whose fingers Penelo had cut off wasn't the one who had raped her, but he _had _been there, and it would be a step to finding the others. But he saw no one with missing digits; of course, many people wore gloves, so that could have covered it up.

He did find out where Lord Durshcen's estate was, but a quick visit to it didn't reveal anything new. He was dead and everyone said suicide, as Ashe had already informed them. Finally, in desperate hope that he could find _something, _he ventured into Old Archades, which made him feel much more at home, anyway.

He found more of nothing, and finally, when the sun was setting, he trudged back to the gate crystal, not sure why he felt so discouraged. He had known he probably wouldn't find anything, but…maybe things had always seemed easier to find when he was together with Penelo, Basch, Balthier, and the others. There had always been one answer that led to another and another, until they had finally defeated Vayne.

He would have thought that solving this mystery would have been easier than that.

He teleported back to Rabanastre and went home. Penelo wasn't working in the shop, so he slipped through the customers inside and went up to the apartment. He walked in and found her sitting at the table, facing him, her face stony. She looked mad.

"Hi," he said cautiously, setting his pack on the floor.

In response, she held up a small bag, which he recognized instantly. "What is this?" she demanded.

"Uh…"

"Because it looks to me like crushed wilder leaves."

It _looked _like a bag of powder, but she had undoubtedly opened it and smelled it, which would have told her instantly what it was. It had a very faint scent, but it was distinct. Mixed with food and drink, it was impossible to smell at all. "Um…"

"Do you want to tell me why you have a dreamless sleeping powder under your mattress?"

He had absolutely no defense, but he heard himself asking, "What were you doing looking under my mattress?"

"I was _trying _to wash your blankets, Vaan!" Penelo stood up and threw the bag at him. He caught it reflexively, wincing as she stormed over to him. "Have you been putting that in my food?"

"No."

Her forehead creased, and he mumbled, "In your drink."

She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. "_Why?_"

"Because you said you didn't need it, but you weren't getting sleep! You kept sleepwalking in the night and crying and having nightmares and you said you were fine!"

"I _am_ fine!"

"You're _not_! Everyone can see it, Penelo, but no one else knows what happened to you, and you won't even let me--you keep saying you can beat it, that you're fine, that you're stronger than this. Who are you trying to convince? Me, or yourself?"

"What do you know about it!?"

"Maybe more than you!"

"This didn't happen to you! It happened to me! You can't possibly understand what it's like!"

Their voices were steadily rising, and Vaan's desperation for her and frustration at her were doing nothing to help. "And you won't _talk _about what it's like! You want to skip around and act like everything's all better now!"

Penelo glared at him fiercely, and her voice dropped to a dangerous hiss. "I never said it was all better."

Vaan gritted his teeth and met her glare, his own voice leveling out. "You never said it was all wrong, either."

"I've been through worse."

"So you keep saying, but this isn't _like _anything else. This isn't your parents dying, it's not losing your brothers or mine. It's _different, _Penelo, and I know you don't want to be scared--"

"I don't need to be scared! I'm not going to--"

Vaan reached out and put his hand on her hip. She flinched and twisted away as swiftly as if he had burned her. He folded his arms over his chest. "You _are _scared, Penelo, and I don't think it has anything to do with not _needing _to be." He tossed the bag of powder back at her. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about that, but I don't know what else to do to help you. How can I know what to do when you keep saying you don't need any help?"

She stared down at the powder in her hand, and then at Vaan, turmoil written all over her face. She finally just shook her head and ran into her room, closing the door behind her.

Vaan sighed and dropped down onto the chair she had abandoned, propping his elbows on the table and pressing his hands to his head. He felt like he was drowning, and there was no one to throw him a rope…because the one person in his life who had always pulled him up was drowning worse than he was.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Thanks once again to my reviewers: Sora, eolhcsullivan452, Reapers Shadow, and xxBloody-Lovexx. **

* * *

**Chapter Six**

As soon as Penelo shut her bedroom door, she started pacing around the room, wrestling with anger and frustration. Her fist was clenched around the bag of herbs, herbs that Vaan had been _putting in her drink._ It shouldn't have made her feel so furious; he said he was trying to help, but…

He had done it without her consent. He had put something into her body, and she didn't care if it was harmless, she didn't care if it was just to keep her from having dreams, she didn't care if he thought it would help. It was _her _body, and she had _told _him she didn't want anything to help her sleep.

_You don't remember having some of the nightmares, though…_

So maybe her mornings_ had_ been a little fuzzy. She hardly remembered Vaan telling her he had been finding her crying in the living room during the night. She certainly didn't remember doing it at all.

_It doesn't matter. I could have handled it! He could have talked to me more!_

_Yes, because you've been so open to talking about _that.

_I don't need to talk about it; I told Vaan what happened _when_ it happened._ She wasn't going to relive it over and over out loud. She had just stopped reliving it in her nightmares!

_Thanks to Vaan._

_I don't care!_

Penelo threw the bag of wilder herbs against the wall as hard as she could. It did nothing but bounce off the wall and land on the ground, and it didn't make her feel any better. She flung herself on her bed and curled up. She didn't want to think about it, not any of it. She was going to be _fine. _She was…

_"You keep saying you can beat it, that you're fine, that you're stronger than this. Who are you trying to convince? Me, or yourself?"_ Vaan's argument rang through her head like a painfully loud bell. She pressed her hands to her ears, a reactive, instinctive gesture to try to block out the words, but they were in her head and they didn't stop. _"You want to skip around and act like everything's all better now!"_

She squeezed her eyes shut and suppressed a sob. She had to be okay. She had made it through so much; this was nothing in comparison.

Right?

_I don't want to think about it!_

When she opened her eyes, they landed on the bag of herb powder on the floor. She _wasn't _going to take it tonight. She was going to prove to Vaan that she didn't need it. She was going to prove it to herself. She wasn't going to be dependent upon wilder leaves to keep her from suffering.

She was tempted to pick it up and throw it away, or hurl it out a window, but she was suddenly, horrifically exhausted. She didn't know if she even had the energy to move off the bed. Her eyes closed of their own accord, and she was half asleep before she realized that she hadn't even asked Vaan if he had found anything in Archades.

She didn't care. She just…didn't care. She felt angry, empty, betrayed, lonely, guilty, miserable, and she didn't want to look at her emotions too closely right now and find out why.

She didn't want to find out if Vaan was right. She had to be okay. She had to be okay…

_She was standing in the kitchen, cutting up vegetables for her mother, who was cooking dinner. Something wasn't quite right, though, and she was troubled as she chopped away at the food. Her mother kept looking at her, and finally came over and wrapped Penelo in her arms. It was warm and comforting, and Penelo sighed against her mother's shoulder._

_"What is it, sweetie?"_

_"I'm scared."_

_"Why?"_

_Her mother leaned back to gaze at her, and Penelo looked into her face, only to see it start to change. Her mother's cheeks sank in, her skin growing pale and waxy as she wasted away before Penelo's eyes, until nothing was left but a skeleton, grasping her shoulders. Before she could blink, the skeleton changed into the face of a man, blurry and indistinct, and she was somehow pinned to the ground. Then her vision was darkened entirely and she couldn't see anything._

_But she could feel--feel hands grabbing and touching, feel pain and horror, feel herself fighting and trying to scream and begging for it to stop._

She heard the sound of someone screaming, felt hands trying to grab her shoulders, and her hand was moving, something grasped in it. She felt a solid thunk, heard someone yell…

Someone familiar.

Reality snapped back around her, and she realized she was in her bed. In the darkness of the room, she could make out Vaan's form, doubled over next to her, his hands grasping something sticking out of his stomach.

The world dropped out from underneath her as she saw that it was the hilt of her dagger sticking out of him, the one she kept under her pillow. An entirely different kind of panic filled her as she flung herself out of bed. Vaan pulled it out of his stomach and it fell to the ground. Penelo was trembling hard as she healed him. When she was sure that the wound had closed and that he was fine, she fell back against the side of her bed, her arms wrapped around her knees, overwhelmed with horror.

Her dagger glistened red on the ground in accusation. She had just stabbed Vaan. She had _stabbed _him, and what if it had been somewhere that she _couldn't _have healed? What if she had hit him right in the heart and he had died before she could do anything?

She was on her feet and running before she realized she was moving. She shoved into the bathroom and threw up. A moment later she heard footsteps and knew Vaan was standing by the door before he even said, "Penelo?"

She wavered for a moment, not knowing what to do and suddenly feeling completely overwhelmed, like a huge wave was crashing down upon her and she couldn't draw a breath. Her legs gave out and she crumpled in a heap on the floor.

She saw his bare feet moving to come close to her, and she flung her hands over head. "Stay away from me!" Her voice was ragged and desperate.

"Come on, Penelo."

"Why are you _here?_" Penelo looked up at him, her vision blurred with tears. "Why are you here, Vaan? I just _stabbed_ you."

Vaan crouched down beside her. "It's not the first time you've gone after me with a knife. I've gone after you, before, too."

Under a confusion spell, and that was _entirely _different. "Except I wasn't _confused _this time!"

"Maybe not by a spell."

By a nightmare. Yeah, like that made it any better. A nightmare, because she just _had _to prove that she was fine, and now…now…

She clenched her hands into fists and pressed her forehead to her knees.

"I'm _fine_, Penelo." Who else but Vaan could say that after what had just happened--whether or not he was actually fine? He was probably just saying it to make her feel better. "I'm okay."

_I'm not._

She was on her feet again, jumping over Vaan and racing for the front door. He was right on her heels, and he put his hand against the door while she was fumbling with the lock, preventing her from opening it. "Penelo, you can't just run out of here in the middle of the night!"

"Leave me alone, Vaan!" She got the door unlocked and tugged on the handle, managing to pry it open an inch or two.

He made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and shoved it closed again. "If you want to be alone, I'll go downstairs and leave you alone. You shouldn't be out wandering the streets this time of night."

"Why!? Because I'm weak and helpless and I might get myself raped again!?"

"No! Because you're upset and you're crying and you wouldn't be able to pay much attention to anything!"

She _was_ crying, she suddenly realized, and she suddenly hated herself for it. She hated herself for being weak and helpless and getting herself raped in the first place. She hated herself for stabbing Vaan and for yelling at him and for not wanting to see that he had been right about the nightmares. She hated herself for hating herself.

She heard herself asking, "Why are you doing this?" Her grip on the door handle had fallen slack, and the tears were falling so fast that Vaan's face was just a watery blur.

"Doing what?"

"Staying."

It took him a minute to understand what she meant. "You mean staying with _you_?"

"Y-yes."

There was a heavy, disbelieving pause, and he said, with some confusion, "Where else would I be?"

Which, for some reason, made her feel worse than ever. She released the handle and slid down against the door. Vaan sat next to her, keeping some space between them. She didn't blame him for that. He was probably scared to touch her, and she didn't really want to him to, anyway. She wasn't safe to touch.

She sat there and began to cry in earnest, and then Vaan did reach for her, but she pushed him away and shook her head. "Don't."

He pulled his hands back, but didn't move. Probably because he was afraid she would walk out the door if he did.

_Why? Why!? I was getting better!_

_Why are you still trying to lie to yourself?_

_I don't want to go through this._

_You don't have a choice._

_I want it to be over._

_Spending two weeks convincing yourself everything's fine was a great way to start._

Penelo had no argument for that inner voice. She had always heard that the first step to solving a problem was admitting you had one, and right now she couldn't help but admit it. Her proof was sitting beside her after she had stuck a dagger in his stomach.

_How long will that last? How long will he really stay with me? Like…like this? He never wanted to stay here long anyway, and I'm…I'm…_

Penelo took a deep, gulping breath and wiped the tears from her face. She stood shakily to her feet. Vaan's eyes followed her to the kitchen, watching as she grabbed a cup and filled it with water. She turned to him and hesitated. "I won't have any more nightmares. If for some reason I do--don't come near me."

"Penelo--"

"Don't." She shook her head and went into her room, locking it firmly behind her. Her dagger wasn't on the floor; Vaan must have moved it before chasing her to the bathroom. The bag of crushed wilder leaves was still lying right where she had thrown it.

She went and picked it up. Even if she put all her daggers out of reach, even if Vaan didn't come when she had a nightmare…what if she started sleepwalking and did something then?

She still didn't know what to do. Even in admitting to herself that she wasn't as fine as she had believed--what was she supposed to do? She still had no desire to think about the rape, let alone talk about it with anyone.

She opened the bag and put a pinch of powder in her water, downing it in several swallows. Then she lay down on her bed and cried herself to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Thanks very much to my reviewers: Reaper's Shadow, Krabby Patties, eolhcsullivan452, and Kyrial Arthian. :D**

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Chapter Seven

Vaan wanted to yell--in frustration, in anger, in helplessness--he didn't care why; he just wanted to ease some of the pressure shoving down on him. Instead, he sat against the front door and listened to Penelo crying in her bedroom.

He still couldn't quite believe she had stabbed him; it feltf rather surreal. He knew it was unintentional, but the idea that she was in such a state that she reacted that instinctively against _him--_it shook him. Badly.

He let his head thunk back into the door, but found he couldn't sit still any longer, not with Penelo's muffled sobs penetrating his ears. He needed to do something--anything. He felt stifled and trapped. He wanted to get out and even just take a nighttime run through the city, maybe go down to the waterway and go after some rats, but he felt too guilty to leave Penelo alone. It was one thing to run errands for Migelo during the middle of the day while Penelo helped run the shop, but he hadn't been able to leave her by herself in the apartment since that night. What if he did and something happened to her again?

He would have taken anything over this horrible, ongoing pain and tension. A temple full of monsters, and evil emperor--sure, throw it at him. Something he could battle, something simple that he could solve by sticking a sword in it, something clear-cut. An overwrought Penelo fighting her fears was not something he had ever found easy to handle.

Penelo's crying finally faded, and after a while, he was fairly sure she had fallen asleep. He tried to get some sleep, too, having nothing else to do, but all he could do was toss and turn, recalling the utter terror and desperation in her scream the moment she had sunk her blade into his stomach.

_What am I supposed to do?_

Either Penelo had decided to take the herbs or she just didn't have any more nightmares, because Vaan didn't hear a sound from her the rest of the night. He was still lying awake in his bed just past dawn, when Penelo's door creaked open and she stepped out, walking quietly past his room. He heard her a short while later in the kitchen, pulling out pans to make breakfast, just like she did most every morning. Lately, he thought, not because she was hungry, but because she had been trying to keep everything the same.

But it wasn't the same. As he lay there, he realized how much he missed her singing. How much he missed her. Even though she was right there…

As always, he didn't hear her footsteps, but since his eyes were open, he saw her stop in front of his door and peer inside. Her eyes met his, and she blinked. "Oh, I-I didn't realize you were awake."

He sat slowly, exhausted from another sleepless night. "Yeah."

Penelo came in slowly, sitting tentatively on the edge of his bed. She looked down at her lap. "I'm sorry, Vaan. I'm sorry about yesterday…that I--and I--" Her eyes darted to his stomach. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay."

"It's not, but…thanks." Penelo looked sideways at him. "I don't know what to do, Vaan."

"Me, neither."

Oh, no, was she going to start crying again? He wasn't sure he could handle it. Tears glistened in her eyes, but they didn't fall as she reached her arms out toward him, hesitant and uncertain. He reached back and folded his arms around her. She let out a huge sigh and pressed her face into his neck, and though her warm breath sent ticklish chills down his back, he didn't move. He wasn't sure how long they sat like that, but it felt nice to be able to hold her this long without it being the middle of the night when she was trembling and yelling and mostly incoherent.

He'd really, really missed her.

"I never asked how your trip to Archades went," she mumbled into his neck.

"It was as boring as Archades always is. I didn't find anything."

"I still don't know what he looks like," Penelo whispered. A shudder went through her body, and Vaan held her more tightly. "I still haven't seen his face. Not any of their faces. I don't know if I would recognize the others, but _his _voice…just his voice…I'm sorry, Vaan. I'm so, so sorry."

_Why are you apologizing? This is still my mess. My fault. I caused this._

When she finally pulled away, she gave him a tremulous smile and said, "I made breakfast, if you want some."

Vaan waited until she went out of his room before digging into his closet to get some clean clothes. He accidentally pulled a shirt off the item that he had been ignoring for two weeks--the bag of gil he had received as half-payment for transporting the package that would now never be delivered. He had no idea what to do with it. It was quite a lot of gil, but he hadn't wanted to touch it, let alone spend it. It felt so _wrong._ Using it would almost feel like he had paid with Penelo's blood, which probably would have sounded crazy to anyone else. So it sat hidden under clothes at the bottom of his closet, untouched.

He went to join Penelo at the table, and they ate in silence before heading downstairs to work. Vaan noticed that Penelo hesitated before stepping into the shop, poking her head around the corner and looking around carefully before heading into the storage closet to pull out some boxes.

Migelo gave Vaan a list of things to pick up in the bazaar, and Vaan had barely stepped out the door when a hand clapped on his shoulder. He spun around defensively, freezing when he saw a very familiar face. He blinked twice. "Balthier?" A glance over the sky pirate's shoulder showed that Fran was only several paces away. "Fran? What are you doing here?"

"What? We can't drop by to visit old friends?" Balthier's grip on Vaan's shoulder tightened. "How is Penelo?"

His tone of voice was not just one of casual interest. There was as much concern there as Balthier ever showed, and Vaan realized he knew something. He crossed his arms in an effort to hide his anxiety. "What have you heard?"

"Only rumors, I'm afraid," Balthier said. He and Fran exchanged glances. "We ran into Ashe in Archades."

"Ashe is in Rozarria."

"She _was _in Rozarria. She left early and took a trip to Archades, on the cover of working out details of the upcoming fete with Larsa. In truth, I believe she is there because of Penelo. Our fair queen has gone on quite a rampage, and you know what she's like when she chooses to pursue something."

Vaan did know, but he still had no idea what Balthier was talking about. "What does this have to do with Penelo?"

Before Balthier could start being confusing again, Fran said, "Ashe went to Archades to speak with Larsa about an Old Archadian paper you gave her."

"Now both Queen and Emperor are up in arms about getting to the bottom of this. Ashe is quite--angry," Balthier said carefully.

"At us?"

Balthier sighed and shook his head. "_No,_ Vaan. At whomever harmed Penelo. She's far more worried than perhaps she would admit."

"What did she say about Penelo being 'harmed?'"

Balthier and Fran traded looks again, and Fran finally said, "She believes some men hunting for that parchment raped Penelo."

There was a heavy silence, and Balthier added, "You need not--"

"One of them did," Vaan said, and a huge rush of relief crashed over him, relief that someone _actually knew _besides him. This relief was followed by a surge of guilt. He shouldn't have said anything; Penelo would be horrified to think that Fran and Balthier knew what had happened--but they had already suspected, and even Ashe had assumed more than one man had been involved. So he was only…straightening out the facts.

A muscle in Balthier's jaw tightened, and Fran turned to Migelo's Sundries. "Hey, where are you going?" Vaan asked as she pushed open the door.

"To speak with Penelo," Fran said firmly, and disappeared inside the store.

Vaan moved to go after her, but Balthier stopped him. "Come now, Vaan. They'll be fine. Now, why don't we talk? I still have more information." He looked angry--most people wouldn't have seen it, since he always appeared unruffled to those who didn't know him well. "I think we would _all_ like answers. To use Ashe's words, anyone who would do this to Penelo deserves their comeuppance."

Vaan looked at Balthier dubiously. "Ashe said 'comeuppance?'"

"Well, no. Her language was a bit more colorful. The point, Vaan, is that we're all anxious to get our hands on the people behind this. Ashe finally thought to contact Fran and me to see if perhaps we knew anything about any of this."

"And?" Vaan asked.

"I'm the leading man, Vaan! The leading man always knows something."

"_And_?"

"I've heard rumors, mostly. It seems there may be a group of Archadian nobility that is quite…_displeased_ with Larsa's alliance with the Rozarrians. This group has it in mind that it would be far better to dethrone the Emperor and run the Empire how they see fit. I'm speaking, Vaan, of people in Archadian society who actually have the ability to replace Larsa if they can only manage to get him out of the way. Power and money can go quite a long way. Also, quite conveniently, there is the fete being held in Archades in a few weeks, where not only Larsa will be attending, but also the rulers of Rozarria and Dalmasca."

"So what do we have to do with any of that?"

"We don't yet know, but I would wager that parchment you were hired to deliver has something to do with all this stirring in Archades. Let us handle that. Right now, Penelo is all you need worry about--and I daresay you're doing that already. You look terrible."

"Probably not as bad as Penelo."

"Mm. Best not say that in front of her."

"That's not what I meant." Vaan sighed and gave up explaining. "I don't get--I mean, if this is so huge, why would they have left…" He had a hard time thinking about this idea, let alone voicing it. "Why would they have left Penelo alive?" he asked in a rush. "They were--they wanted to give me a message. There could have been…other ways…" There was the guilt again, eating away at his insides.

"Could Penelo identify these men if she saw them?"

"No. She was blinded during the attack. She…she recognizes at least one voice. She didn't even see his face when she followed him--"

"She _followed _him?"

"He came to the shop looking for us yesterday, and then he teleported away."

"So he has at least learned who you are. I can't say why they wouldn't have killed Penelo, unless they were fairly certain she couldn't identify them. Perhaps they meant to kill you both once they had that paper in hand," Balthier suggested.

"Then why weren't they waiting for me when I came back and found Penelo…" _Raped and bleeding?_ These questions had been burning in the back of Vaan's mind, but he had never voiced them.

"Perhaps they had business to attend to elsewhere, otherwise I see no reason why they wouldn't have simply stayed and waited for you to return. Or perhaps they simply thought their _message _would be enough to motivate you to give them what they wanted. If they know who you are and knew to come looking for you here, though, I would suggest you perhaps find somewhere else to stay. Somewhere a little harder to trace you than the place where you grew up."

It would be nice to get out and travel again, but Penelo wasn't ready. Still, if she thought she would be safer somewhere else… "Maybe," Vaan said after a long moment. He looked toward Migelo's Sundries' door. Fran sure was taking a while, which could be very good, depending on what was going on between her and Penelo. Maybe Fran would have a better time talking to her than he had lately.

He really, really hoped so.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Thank you, thank you, thank you to my wonderful reviewers: eolhcsullivan452, Reaper's Shadow, Kyrial Arthian, Aspexit, xSweetxYunax, and xxBloody-Lovexx. You guys are awesome. :D**

**I will still try to be quick about updating, but if the next chapter takes a bit longer, it's because I'm moving this weekend, and dealing with unpacking and getting my phone/internet changed over. **

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**Chapter Eight**

Penelo found herself fighting the urge to duck behind the counter every time the jangling bell announced a customer. She reminded herself that she was armed and prepared (and then felt guilty because she'd been armed and prepared and had hurt Vaan).

She tensed when the bell sounded again, but froze when she saw who entered. "Fran?" She stared at the Viera in surprise. "What are you--how did you know where--?"

"Ashe told us where we might find you," Fran said simply.

"Oh...well…um…it's good to see you!" It really was. Fran had always had a stoic, composed demeanor that tended to have a calming effect on Penelo.

Unfortunately, Fran also had a way of looking at her where Penelo was sure her gaze was piercing straight to her soul. She was giving her that look right now, and Penelo shifted uncomfortably. Before she could ask anything else, Fran said, "You're in much pain, Penelo. Your joy is gone."

Penelo's stomach clenched in a knot, and she knew without a doubt that Fran knew what had happened to her. "How did you find out?"

"Ashe shared her suspicions with us. She is very worried for you, and I see why."

Great. So if Ashe had told Balthier and Fran, how long would it be before word got around to Basch? And then Larsa? And--pretty soon everyone she cared about would know she had been raped.

She turned and ran for the door to the apartment, making it halfway up the stairs before stopping and sinking down onto one step. Migelo called after her in concern, and then Fran said something she couldn't hear. Moments later, Fran stepped through the door, shutting it behind her and standing at the bottom of the stairs, looking at her with those farseeing eyes.

"You have no need to be ashamed, Penelo," Fran said. "You did nothing wrong."

Something inside Penelo suddenly snapped, and she cried, "Then why did this happen to me? Why? Do you know what it's like?"

"Tell me," Fran said quietly, and for some reason, as if that was all the invitation Penelo had needed, the words started rushing to get out of her mouth, much as they had that first night when she told Vaan what had happened.

This time was worse, though. Penelo heard herself talking, talking and crying, saying things she hadn't--couldn't--tell Vaan. How it had felt, how it had hurt, her helplessness and guilt that she couldn't stop it, how she had blacked out not knowing if she would ever wake up again. Fran stood and listened to every word, doing nothing to interrupt, and when Penelo was completely drained--of words, tears, and energy--Fran climbed the stairs to sit beside her. Penelo leaned into her, and Fran reached over and smoothed one hand over Penelo's braids.

"We will find those responsible for this," she told Penelo. "We will find the one who stole so much from you." The way she said it made Penelo shiver, and she was very glad she wasn't on the receiving end of such a promise.

"What do I--what do I do? I feel so lost, Fran."

"Find your joy again."

"How?"

"Only you can know that. It will take time, Penelo. Inner wounds take much longer to heal. You cannot make yourself better by simply wishing it. You cannot find happiness until you have allowed yourself to accept the pain."

Penelo leaned back wearily. "Have you been talking to Vaan?"

"I don't need to talk to Vaan to see this in you."

They sat there quietly for a while, until Fran stood to her feet and began to walk back down the stairs.

"Fran?"

Fran stopped and looked back at Penelo.

"Thank you."

A nod, and then Fran was gone. Penelo sagged against the wall. As hard as that had just been, she felt as though talking to Fran had really released something inside of her. For the first time, she could really see how completely hurt she was; there was a huge wound deep inside her, a writhing mass of all the emotions that were still too painful to begin to thoroughly examine. At least she could see it and admit it was there, which was probably a step in the right direction.

She felt emptied after spilling her inmost suffering to Fran, but it was a different kind of emptiness--a good kind, if there was such a thing, as though she had expelled something huge and ugly. Still, part of her wanted to despair when she caught a glimpse of the road to healing and saw how long it really was.

_Find my joy…how do I do that?_

Penelo slowly descended the stairs and poked her head out the door, the close encounter she'd had with her attacker from the day before (_had it only been a day? It felt like ages ago already)_ making her ever more cautious.

Migelo took one look at her and pointed back to the apartment door. "You are not working today, Penelo."

"But--"

"No. I might not know exactly what is going on with you and Vaan, but I'm not blind. Something is weighing heavily on you both and you don't look like you should even be out of bed, let alone helping manage a store."

"I want to work."

"I know, Penelo. I know it's a distraction for you, and I have let it be so for the last couple of weeks, but you need a break."

"I--"

"No arguments."

"Yes, Migelo," Penelo finally sighed. What was she supposed to do with herself for an entire day if she couldn't work?

_Find my joy. Right. Accept the pain and find my joy. How? _

_Can I accept the pain and still look beyond it? Maybe if I can do things that make me happy, it will help me get better. So…what makes me happy?_ A lot of things made her happy, but lately they were all overshadowed by everything else. _Vaan makes me happy--but I've been making him miserable. Dancing makes me happy…but…I can't do that. Not now. _The thought of dancing was like poking at an open wound, and she still could not examine why. She knew she was avoiding it, but she couldn't…she just couldn't think about it right now.

_What else makes me happy? Going exploring with Vaan. Having snowball fights in the Paramina Rift_ _with Vaan…_

Most everything that she had fun doing, it was always because Vaan was there. So shouldn't she just be happy that he was with her now?

_For now…_

She was still standing behind the counter when Vaan came back inside, followed by Balthier. Balthier nodded very graciously at Penelo. "Hello, Penelo."

"Hello," Penelo said, averting her eyes from his gaze and feeling her cheeks burning with her shame that he _knew._ At least he didn't say anything, or act any different…but that was Balthier. He probably knew she wouldn't have been able to stand it if he treated her any differently.

"Before I leave, I have something for the both of you." Balthier pulled an envelope and handed it to Vaan. He opened it and pulled out a note, which he then handed to Penelo.

It was an invitation to the fete in Archades. "Larsa asked that I give it to you two, though it will be quite understandable if you do not wish to attend."

Vaan and Penelo exchanged glances. "I--guess we'll see," Vaan said slowly.

Balthier nodded. After bidding them good-bye, he left, and Migelo, who had been standing off to the side while they talked, immediately told Vaan, "You had better take the day off, too, my boy."

"'Too?'"

"You and Penelo get some rest. Or go run around the town. Whatever you want to do--you're both taking today off."

Resigned, Penelo turned and went up to the apartment. Vaan followed her, crossing over to the couch and flopping down on it. He did look horribly exhausted, and as he closed his eyes, she went over to sit down next to him. He opened his eyes, and they looked at each other silently.

He really did make her happy. He always had. Happy and exasperated and content and anxious, all depending on what they happened to be doing.

"So…" he said slowly. "Did you want to…do anything today?"

She hadn't really done anything lately except work in the store. She'd had no desire to do anything else. Come to think of it, Vaan hadn't been doing anything else, either…probably because he felt obligated to watch over her. He was probably going crazy and not telling her.

Feeling even more guilty, she said, "Let's do something." Maybe doing something that made Vaan happy would help both of them.

Vaan's forehead creased. "Really?"

"Let's go camping."

"What?"

"We can go to the Giza Plains. Just for tonight." The more she thought about it, the more the idea of going out into the desert, away from the city, away from everyone and everything, was appealing.

"Really?"

Penelo nodded, and for the first time in a while, she saw a spark flash in Vaan's eyes--that mischievous, adventurous spark that she hadn't even realized was missing lately, and he stood to his feet and flashed her a grin. "Okay."

An hour later, they had their packs on their backs and were heading out toward the Giza Plains. It was the dry season, and so it was hot and…well, dry. They trudged through the area, and as the sun beat down on Penelo and she focused on avoiding any wild animals they came across, she found herself very slowly relaxing. Though she was very familiar with most areas of the Giza Plains, it was still an adventure to be there with Vaan, looking for anything they hadn't seen before, anything unusual or different.

When nighttime fell, they set up their little tent, and it was then that reality really came sinking back down on Penelo. She was going to be sleeping a few feet from Vaan, and even though she had brought the wilder herbs with her, she was terrified of hurting him again. She hesitated, and then silently pulled out her daggers and handed them all to Vaan.

He didn't say anything. He just took them and put them on his other side, close enough that she could get to them if an animal attacked their tent during the night, but where she would have to reach over him to grab them. It made her feel a little better, but it sent a heavy weight back in her stomach because it was a reminder that nothing was really normal.

_I wasn't trying to escape today, anyway, _she reminded herself. _I was just trying to…let myself do something._

"Vaan?"

"Hm?" Vaan replied from his side of the tent. He sounded horribly tired; she suspected the only reason he had stayed awake all day was because of the excitement of being out of the city.

"Today was nice."

"Yeah." He rolled over toward her, and in the darkness, she could barely make out his eyes. He stretched his arm out toward her, so it was lying halfway between them. She slowly put her own arm out and grasped his hand in hers. "Nice," he mumbled, already mostly asleep. "Missed you."

Penelo's throat closed up, and she squeezed Vaan's hand.

She missed herself, too.

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**Okay, I really have to go finish packing boxes now…**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: **Thanks again to you reviewers: Kyrial Arthian, eolhcsullivan452, Reaper's Shadow, Aspexit, and acerose.

So sorry this took so long. I would have had it up earlier, but in addition to moving, a horrid storm swept through my city and knocked out my electricity for two days.

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**Chapter Nine**

Vaan awoke in the morning slightly disoriented, until he remembered where he was and what he was doing. Camping in the Giza Plains with Penelo. Penelo was, amazingly, still asleep right next to him, so close their arms were almost touching. She was facing him, her fingers grasping the hem of his vest.

He didn't dare move for fear that he would wake her. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping. Almost…happy. Wisps of hair had escaped her braids and fell across her face, stirring with every breath she took.

They had made it through a night in the desert without any monster attacks, and without any panic attacks on Penelo's part. It had been a very, very good night. Vaan hadn't felt so refreshed in weeks. Or so content. He hadn't told Penelo how very cooped up he had been feeling in the apartment, and this taste of freedom was intoxicating. He suddenly, desperately, wished he had an airship and he could just get on and start flying…he didn't care where.

Penelo sighed in her sleep, and Vaan's thoughts were dragged back to earth, and to the reality in front of him. He wasn't sure how long he lay there, waiting for Penelo to wake up. He was beginning to feel rather impatient, because he was getting a bad cramp in his side and he was really kind of hungry, but Penelo had slept so little lately, so he didn't move.

Her eyes finally started blinking, focusing slowly on him, and then gave him a peaceful little smile. A genuine Penelo smile, and something inside of Vaan unclenched a little. He grinned in return. "I was wondering if you were going to sleep all day."

"I'm sure you wouldn't have let me." Penelo stretched before sitting up. "I think that was the best I've slept in weeks."

Vaan sat up, too, immediately reaching for the food. "Next time you're having trouble sleeping, we'll just drag a tent out into the desert." He dug into their bag of breakfast, and Penelo reached over to snag some of it.

"Sounds good to me. I forgot how much I missed your snoring."

"Hey!" Vaan wasn't sure whether he should be offended or just happy that Penelo was teasing him again. The instinct was to just tease her right back, and the words came out before he'd really thought about them. "At least I don't drool in my sleep."

"I do not drool."

"Do too."

"Do not."

After breakfast, they packed up their stuff and headed back toward the city. On the way, Penelo finally asked him why Balthier had come. "I know it wasn't just to deliver an invitation."

Vaan filled her in on the rumored uprising of Archadian nobles, and she frowned. "Really."

"You sound like you don't believe it."

"I don't know, Vaan. It just all seems…" Penelo shook her head and trailed off. "Never mind."

It took them several hours to reach Rabanastre, and when they finally stood outside of South Gate, Penelo took a deep breath and reached for Vaan's arm, halting him in his tracks. "Vaan…I need…can you…"

Vaan raised his eyebrows. Since when was Penelo at a loss for words?

Penelo's face had turned as red as a rogue tomato. She could never help blushing when she was embarrassed or flustered, and Vaan usually teased her about it to no end. He decided not to this time, since he wasn't sure how much teasing she could handle all at once today. "Can-I-"

Vaan crossed his arms and waited. Without looking at him, she finally said in a rush, "I need to hug you."

Okay, that was just too much of an opening to miss. "Because I'm just so irresistible?"

Penelo didn't respond to that; she looked down so Vaan couldn't see her face, and he sighed to himself. She usually would have just slapped his arm for a comment like that, and he had to remind himself that although she had been more relaxed and teasing today than she had lately, she was not _better_. "Sorry," he said. "Come here, then." He opened his arms, and Penelo stared at him. "What? I thought you needed-"

"Here?" Penelo glanced around at all the people in the area, going about their daily business.

He was really confused now. Wasn't this what she had just asked for? What did he care if anyone was watching? "Um…sure?" Penelo continued to look at him as if he had grown an extra head or something. "What?"

A small, sudden smile made its way across her face, and she stepped forward into his arms, letting out a long sigh of her own. He held her for a long moment before asking, "So, um, why did you need this?"

Penelo stiffened and drew away from him, now flustered. "I…it sounds stupid."

"So?"

"I've…had…sort of a hard time lately."

_No, really?_

"With-I just think-I mean, it would help me if I could-"

"_What_?"

"Hug me everyday?" Penelo said quickly. "I mean, even if I-if you think I don't-just-"

Vaan watched her, bemused. She was acting like it was a terrible thing to ask, but he really didn't find it all that weird. Maybe because he had been friends with her for so long, and usually he couldn't _avoid _getting or giving her hugs. He did find it a little strange that she felt awkward about asking, but he guessed that given current circumstances, it made sense, except it sounded like she thought it would be a burden for him. "Sure."

She stopped stumbling over her words and blinked at him. "Really?"

"Well, if you keep sounding so surprised I might reconsider," he said. "Of course, _really_. Come on, Penelo, you're acting like I think you're diseased or something."

Penelo's face went from red to white in an instant. She completely blanched, and only then did Vaan realize what a stupid, stupid thing that had been to say. For all he knew, she _did _feel that way, or did think he thought…damn it, why was this so _complicated_? "Look," he said quickly, before she could cry or yell or slap him or something. Then, realizing he really didn't have anything to say, he just pulled her back into his arms and squeezed her hard enough that she yelped. "There. Two for today. Okay?" As he released her, he was glad to see that smile on her lips again, as opposed to tears or her hand flying toward his face.

"…thanks, Vaan."

"Ah-ha!" A loud, familiar voice suddenly exclaimed, and before Vaan could even move, Tomaj was beside Penelo, tugging on one of her braids. "I can hardly believe my eyes! Penelo is actually _out _of the shop?" He pulled her other braid. "How come you haven't come to see me, hm? Vaan's been around."

Penelo stepped neatly out of his reach and planted her hands on her hips. "What about you? You couldn't be spared to drop by Migelo's?"

"I've been busy," Tomaj said.

"So have I."

Then they both smiled at each other, and Tomaj turned to Vaan. "Guess what, Vaan? I think I might've found you a new airship."

Penelo frowned in Vaan's direction, her eyes narrowing. "What? You didn't tell me you were looking for an airship."

"I'm not!" Vaan protested, to both her and Tomaj.

Tomaj shrugged easily. "Oh, I know, you said you're hanging around Rabanastre for now, but really, a deal like this doesn't come along everyday. I know you've been without an airship for a while, so I've been keeping an eye out for you…besides, having one doesn't mean you have to fly it _now. _Just means you'll have one ready when you need it."

Vaan tried to hide the sudden surge of excitement at the prospect of again having his very own airship; Penelo's worried eyes were fixed on him, and he almost felt like his excitement was a betrayal. He still couldn't help asking, "Where'd you get it?"

"I got it-ah, never mind that. It's a long story. It's perfectly legitimate, if that's what you're worried about. I can get it to you for a very reasonable price."

"How much?"

Penelo sighed and turned away from them both, and as Tomaj told Vaan how much gil it would cost, she began walking away, heading through South Gate. Torn between his longing at the thought of an airship and his guilt for the same reason, Vaan quickly told Tomaj, "Look-give me a day or two to think about it?"

"Well, all right." Tomaj was frowning in Penelo's direction. "Only two days, though, Vaan, and then the offer goes to someone else."

"Okay, okay." Waving, Vaan ran after Penelo. "Penelo! Wait up!"

She didn't slow down as she headed up the stairs, and Vaan caught up with her at the top of them. He moved in front of her, bringing her swift footsteps to a halt. "Penelo-"

Penelo looked up at him, and her face was schooled into a smooth mask, showing no sign of worry or exasperation. Her voice was equally emotionless when she asked, "Are you going to get it?"

Vaan faltered. "Penelo…"

"I know you've missed having an airship." She skirted around him and kept walking, and he fell into step with her.

"I didn't tell Tomaj one way or another," he said.

Penelo stopped and faced him. "You should just get it, Vaan."

What? But a minute ago, he could have sworn she was upset by the idea… "What?"

"We have the gil, right?"

"Well…"

"You haven't used the gil you got from-from the last job, right?" Penelo suddenly sounded strained.

Vaan thought of the large amount of gil sitting in the bottom of his closet, and he shook his head. "No."

"So?"

He shook his head again. "I can't."

"Can't what? Buy the airship?"

"I can't use that gil to get an airship. I can't use it to-you know what? Just forget it. We're fine here, in Rabanastre. Right?" Vaan tried to smile at Penelo, to show her that he really was fine…but the part of him that was just purely excited about _having an airship _was slapping him upside the head and telling him he was stupid to let an opportunity like this go by. Tomaj might have gone to some trouble to 'keep an eye out' for an airship for him. How could he just say no, thanks, he didn't need it?

Vaan had been really suppressing his desire to get out of the stifled apartment, to taste the freedom of the skies again. To do _something_. He had never been very good at sitting still for a long time. Granted, it had only been a couple of weeks, but the time had dragged so slowly that it felt like much, much longer.

_Besides, what if we do need a fast getaway? Having an airship again would be useful in a pinch…_

Two weeks ago, he wouldn't have hesitated. But this was not two weeks ago, and he did hesitate.

When they got back to Migelo's, they greeted him and Fae, the woman who worked part time as a clerk, and Migelo beamed at them. "See? I knew a day off would help. You two look much better. Oh, before you head upstairs-this came for you this morning." He pulled out an envelope and handed it to Penelo.

Vaan looked over her shoulder; their names were written neatly on the front in Ashe's handwriting, and the envelope was closed with the royal seal. Penelo slid it open and pulled out a note, which he read silently.

_Penelo and Vaan,_

_I've returned to Rabanastre until the fete in Archades. I do not expect you to come to the fete, but should you choose to, I would offer you a ride on my airship. _

_We have so far had no luck in deciphering the parchment you brought us. We will continue to work on it and update you should we find anything. _

_Please do not hesitate to call on me should you need anything at all. Basch and Larsa send their regards, as do I._

_Ashe_

Vaan was strangely glad that she signed the message Ashe, and not Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca or Queen Ashelia or something. There had been times since she became queen that she had been really distant, and he understood why, but it was nice to know that there was still camaraderie there. Reassuring.

Penelo tucked the note back into the envelope and stuffed it in her bag. "I'll be back down to work in a few minutes," she told Migelo, heading behind the counter.

"No need, Penelo. It's already mid-afternoon, and I think we have it covered for today," Migelo told her. "But I'll see you bright and early tomorrow, all right?" He winked at her and waved her toward the stairs.

Vaan followed her up to their apartment and waited until she unlocked it. They dumped their bags by the door and looked at each other for a long moment. Vaan was sure Penelo was thinking about the airship, but she didn't mention it. All she did was tug on her clothes and say, "I'm going to take a shower."

She shut herself in the bathroom, and Vaan dropped onto the couch. _An airship…I don't have to use it now. I can wait until Penelo's-_

_Until Penelo's what? Is she ever going to want to come with you anywhere again? After what happened to her? All you do is put her in danger. All you do is drag her around in a profession where this happens. Where people kill and maim and rape. Can you really take her back out into that, knowing it could happen again?_

_I don't have to be a sky pirate. I can just fly._

_Other people aren't going to care whether you call yourself a pirate or not. Once you take to the sky, there's a whole new set of rules. Not every pirate follows the same rules. What's more important to you? Flying, or Penelo? _

The longing and the guilt fought a fierce battle within him, and he groaned, his head falling back onto the couch. He stared at the ceiling, wanting to hit himself because he was even _asking _himself that question. Flying was…flying was amazing. It meant freedom and hope, it meant he could do anything, be anything that he wanted. It meant he wasn't just a street orphan and thief from Rabanastre.

But it was not more _important _than Penelo. In fact, without Penelo, he had a feeling flying wouldn't be nearly what it was. The thought of leaving without her physically hurt. He couldn't imagine never flying again, but he didn't even _want_ to imagine flying without Penelo ever again.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thanks a million times to my reviewers: eolhcsullivan452, Reaper's Shadow, Aspexit, and Destatikai. :D**

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Chapter Ten

When Penelo got out of the shower, she found Vaan fast asleep on the couch, his head resting against the top of it, his mouth wide open. It brought a smile to her face. Then she thought about the day's events--more particularly, running into Tomaj--and her smile slipped. Sighing, she sat on the couch next to Vaan, who didn't even stir, and studied him. He really had been amazing the past couple of weeks. Sure, he had said and done some pretty stupid things, but she doubted that would ever change. He had done so much for her, and he shouldn't have had to deal with her garbage. How could she get upset at Tomaj offering him an airship?

She couldn't. She had known this would happen, sooner or later. Vaan deserved to be happy, and nothing made him happier than flying. She did not want Vaan to disappear off into the horizon…but she didn't want it because she knew that if he left, she couldn't go with him, and she didn't want to be without him. But she didn't want him to have to argue with himself or feel guilty because he wanted this. She was doing enough arguing and feeling guilty for both of them.

Still, he had said he wouldn't use the gil from the job gone so wrong. She understood why, though she had to admit that it surprised her that he would have those qualms. She couldn't think of a time when Vaan had ever cared where gil came from, as long as he had it.

It really wasn't a decision, what she did next. It was something she had to do, or she wouldn't be able to live with herself, because Vaan would regret it and she didn't want that. It would only be her fault, caused by her selfishness.

Penelo slowly stood to her feet and left Vaan sleeping on the couch. She went into his room and poked around, looking for the bag of gil. She came across one of her daggers under his bed--the dagger she had stabbed him with. It was at least clean, without a trace of his blood on it, but it still gave her a little jolt when she picked it up and recalled it being buried in his stomach.

That, if anything, strengthened her resolve. She tucked the dagger into one of the free spaces on her belt and kept searching. She found the gil buried in the bottom of Vaan's closet, and she picked it up. She left a note for Vaan on the counter before stepping out the door. She was a little nervous as she headed downstairs. She knew it was stupid--she had spent years running around alone on the streets. Tomaj had been right to wonder why she never came out of Migelo's, and the truth was that she didn't feel safe anywhere anymore. She hadn't wanted to leave Migelo's and go wandering around the city. Tomaj would have known that was unusual. Anyone who knew her would have known that was unusual.

"Migelo, I'm going out for a while. Vaan's asleep--if he misses my note, will you tell him I'll be back later?" Penelo asked.

"Of course, Penelo," Migelo agreed.

Penelo left the shop and went looking for Tomaj. He wasn't that difficult to find; he was in the Sandsea, Cu Sith not far away. Cu Sith was delighted to see her, and it was a few minutes before Penelo's attention could be spared so she could actually have a minute alone with Tomaj. He bought them both drinks and waved Penelo to a table. She took a swig of her drink--ale that was a little stronger than she generally preferred, but not as strong as some of the drinks she'd had--before pulling out the bag of gil and dropping it on the table. "There."

Tomaj's eyebrows went up. "For the airship?"

"Yes."

He took the bag and opened it, his eyebrows raising higher. "This looks like more gil than I asked for.'

"I don't care. Take all of it, and you can use the extra to register the airship in Vaan's name. It'll save me a trip."

"Okay," Tomaj said slowly. He hefted the bag, hesitated, and then added, "But--"

"Just take it." Penelo took another drink and let her eyes drift away from Tomaj's searching look.

Tomaj leaned back in his chair, continuing to study her with narrowed eyes. "What's going on?"

"A lot," Penelo said, knowing that saying 'nothing' wouldn't have been believable. "And no, I'm not going to talk about it, so don't bother asking."

He held up his hands. "Fair enough. Though you know if you and Vaan need anything, you've got friends here."

"Yes." She met his eyes briefly. "Thank you."

She finished her drink, feeling rather numb as she talked about menial things with Tomaj. Finally, she stood up and thanked Tomaj for the drink.

"I'll get that registration done today and bring you the papers for the airship tonight, okay?"

"Okay," Penelo said. She waved over her shoulder as she headed out of the Sandsea and turned toward Migelo's. It was on the way home that the weight of what she had done really sank onto her.

When she quietly entered the apartment, she found Vaan still sound asleep, exactly where she had left him, and she was suddenly completely exhausted. How long did she have? How much longer could he really stay with her? How long before she woke up one day and found him gone? She had just given him the perfect opening to leave, and he didn't even know it yet.

She hesitated for a long moment, gazing at him on the couch, before disarming herself completely and curling up next to him. Swallowing past the lump in her throat, she rested her cheek on his arm, and he still didn't move. She was asleep before she was aware she had closed her eyes.

When she woke, it was to find that she had somehow ended up half lying on Vaan's lap as she slept, her cheek pressed to his thigh and one arm twisted uncomfortably beneath her, tingling because it had fallen asleep.

To her relief, Vaan was still asleep. She sat up quickly, disoriented, wondering what had woken her, and then heard a knock on the door downstairs, faint because it was coming through two locked doors. She opened the apartment door and ran down the steps, stopping at the bottom and calling, "Who is it?"

"It's me! Will you open up already? I've been knocking for a long time and Migelo looks like he's ready to kick me out if I stand here much longer," Tomaj replied.

Penelo opened the door quickly, and Tomaj held out a folded paper. "Here you go. The ship's called _Persephone_. She's down in the aerodome."

Penelo took the registration paper from him. "Thanks."

"You need anything else?"

"Not right now, but thank you, Tomaj." She started to shut the door, but Tomaj caught it before it could close on him.

"Penelo," he said, "seriously, if you need anything... I don't know what's going on, but the kids have been talking. Filo's really worried about you."

"I know. She doesn't need to be." Penelo decided that she was going to have to make a trip to Lowtown very soon to visit Filo and the other orphans. Sure, they had been coming to visit her, but she hadn't even gone into Lowtown since returning to Rabanastre.

"Penelo?" Vaan's voice suddenly called. She turned and saw him standing in the doorway at the top of the stairs, one hand rubbing the back of his neck tiredly. "Everything okay?"

"Yes. Just talking to Tomaj."

"Hey, Vaan. I was just leaving." Tomaj waved at him. "Enjoy your ship." He gave Penelo a funny little look that told her he knew she had bought the ship in secret, and didn't know _why,_ and then he closed the door, leaving Penelo to face Vaan.

"What was he talking about?" Vaan asked slowly.

Penelo ascended the stairs, pressing the paper into his hand before stepping past him. He turned, closing the door to the apartment before unfolding the paper and staring at it. "Penelo, what did you do?"

"Bought the airship."

He stared at her, dumbfounded, clutching the paper in his hand. "You…what?" He shook his head as if to clear it. "But I thought--"

"This is what you wanted, isn't it?" Penelo asked. "I know it is, Vaan. It's always what you've wanted."

"Where'd you get the gil?"

"From your closet. It was mine, too. I more than paid for it, and this is what I wanted to use it for, okay?"

He looked between her and the paper for another moment, looking a little dazed. "But--you--I--"

"Just stop gaping and say thank you?"

Vaan stared at her some more, and then suddenly, the grin she had been expecting appeared. He let out a whoop and grabbed Penelo in a hug, lifting her off her feet and spinning her around once before setting her down again. "This is amazing!"

Despite the hollow ache in her heart, Penelo couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm.

"But I didn't think you wanted to fly," Vaan said.

"You need to do what makes you happy, Vaan. I'm not going to keep you from that," she said quietly.

The grin fell slowly from his face, and Penelo swallowed as he set the registration paper on the table. "Penelo--"

Penelo felt tears starting to sting her eyes, so she interrupted him quickly before this could turn into another crying session. "Are you hungry? I was going to go to the bazaar to grab some food, and if you want to come with me, I thought maybe we could stop by Lowtown and invite some of the kids over for dinner tomorrow." The sun was already beginning to set.

Vaan gazed at her for a long moment and then finally sighed. "Sure. I'll come."

:--:--:

They didn't talk at all about the airship the rest of the day, but after helping Migelo in the shop the next morning, they went down to the aerodome to see it. As soon as Penelo saw Vaan's face, she had no doubts she had done the right thing. When he laid eyes on the airship, he positively glowed, the familiar spark of joy flaming in his eyes. She couldn't help but be pulled in, even a little, by his enthusiasm as he explored every inch of the _Persephone._

Penelo sat quietly in the navigator's chair, running a hand over the familiar console. There was a part of her that wanted to forget everything, and just agree to fly away with Vaan, to sit in this chair and keep him from going off course…but she couldn't. She knew she couldn't, not right now. Maybe not for a long time. Maybe not ever. She honestly didn't know.

She didn't realize Vaan had fallen quiet and was watching her until he dropped down to his knees in front of her. "Penelo?"

She realized there were tears on her face, and she hurriedly wiped them away, standing to her feet. "It's a great ship, isn't it?"

Vaan straightened with her, and before she could move, he wrapped her in a tight embrace. "I'm not going anywhere, Penelo."

"You can't stay forever, Vaan. I know you better than that."

"Rabanastre is my home."

Penelo pulled away from Vaan, not replying to this. It was his home _for now, _until the itch to get out and get away was too strong. "So? Are you going to at least try it out?" She knew he was dying to take it for a ride. That, she didn't mind participating in. So she strapped into her seat, and before long, they were lifting up out of the aerodome and making a circuit around the city.

And Vaan was happy. She could see it in his face, see how his whole body relaxed as he flew.

Yes, she had done the right thing. Which didn't mean it hurt any less, because now he was one step closer to being a sky pirate again.

Around lunchtime, Penelo reminded him that she had dinner for six or seven kids to make that night, and they still had work to do for Migelo. They went back to Rabanastre and landed in the aerodome. As they were walking home, Vaan deflated quite a bit, and judging from the little glances he was giving her, he was feeling guilty. When they reached Migelo's, he looked at her for a long moment. "Penelo--"

"Vaan." Her voice warned against any arguments.

He finally nodded once and said, "Thanks."

That afternoon was busy, and that evening, the orphans showed up for dinner. Penelo was glad for the chaos that came with bringing the kids into the apartment; their laughing, chattering, teasing, and general roughhousing made her feel right at home. This, she was familiar with, and watching Vaan grabbing Bucco in a headlock did her a world of good.

Filo was pretty quiet, and stayed near Penelo as she finished making dinner. "Have you heard from Llyud lately?" Penelo asked her, stirring food in a pot.

Filo brightened. "Well, not yet, but I just sent him a letter, so I'm hoping I'll get one soon!"

Penelo smiled. "It's good that you're keeping in touch."

"Yeah," Filo sighed. "I know it's only been a few weeks, but…I miss it, you know? It was fun, being sky pirates with you and Vaan. Even if it was only for a little while. Don't you miss it while you're here, Penelo?"

Penelo stiffened, and she had to remind herself to keep stirring the food so it wouldn't burn. "I…that's complicated, Filo."

"Why?"

"It just is." Penelo looked at Filo, seeing the disappointment in her face. "Don't worry about it."

"I'm not just a dumb kid, you know," Filo said, pursing her lips. "You might think you can't tell me anything because I'm only--"

"It's not that," Penelo said. "It's just that…there's a lot more to it than I want to talk about with anyone."

"Even Vaan?"

Penelo wasn't sure how to respond to that, so she kept stirring the food, trying to think of what to say without getting into a deep, dark conversation with Filo about sky pirating not being all fun and games and _why_.

"You should write about it," Filo said. "You know? Even if you don't want to talk to anyone about it…like when we kept a log during our last adventure together. It always helped me. It still does." She looked at her hands. "Maybe it would help you, too, Penelo." Then she smiled, hugged Penelo tightly around the waist, and went to join the other kids.

Penelo thought a lot about what she had said that night, and when all the kids were gone and she had retired to her room, she lay quietly on her bed and listened to water running as Vaan took a shower. Maybe writing down everything she was thinking and feeling would be helpful. Usually, when she needed to release pent up emotions, she danced. There had always been something wonderfully freeing and soothing about dancing, so that even if she started out furious or terrified, she ended up feeling peaceful by the time her feet had stopped moving. She hadn't danced in a couple of weeks now…

And she still couldn't do it. Not even for herself. Writing, on the other hand...could she do it? It would hurt. It would be painful to look back at everything and to be forced to really see what she was suffering. Wasn't that the point, though? Fran had told her she had to allow herself to accept the pain.

She sat up in bed and dug around until she found a journal. The first few pages had thoughts and notes about the end of her last adventure with Vaan, only weeks ago. She took a deep breath and turned to the next empty page.

She wrote slowly at first, and then more quickly. She couldn't say that her words would make any sense if she looked back at them; they poured out in a jumbled mess of emotions and thoughts, going back and forth from different experiences and timeframes, everything from the night of the rape to her feelings on Vaan and airships. She wrote until she was completely exhausted and her eyes began to close, and even then, she strained to keep them open, to keep her hand moving. She wasn't even aware when she fell asleep, her light still on, the journal open in front of her.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: As always, thanks so very much to my reviewers: eolhcsullivan452, Feeny, Reaper's Shadow, and Destatikai. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to reply. :)**

**I'm a bit surprised I managed to get this done so quickly, as I didn't quite know how I was going to go about this one. I've already had most of the next two chapters written for a while, so hopefully it won't be too long before the next one is up, too. ;)**

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Chapter Eleven

When Vaan came out of the shower, he noticed that Penelo's bedroom light was on, shining through her open door and out into the hallway. He stopped to tell her good night, and found that she was already sound asleep, her hand flopped on top of a book. He stepped into the room and saw that it was one of her journals, filled with her handwriting. Ink was smeared on the bottom of the page and on her hand, and a smudge of it had somehow ended up on her cheek.

He carefully moved the journal out from under her hand. He was going to close it and put it down, even if part of him was tempted to just _skim _it a little to see what was going on in her head. He couldn't do it, though, because Penelo would not only kill him, but she'd probably then drag his body through the streets.

His eye did catch his name as he went to shut it, and he couldn't help but read that one bit: _I shouldn't be with Vaan--_

The words glared off the page, and he slammed the book shut before he could accidentally read any more. He felt as if Penelo had stabbed him (again) with one of her daggers. Was that really what she thought? That she shouldn't be with him? Of course she thought it; she had written it. He couldn't blame her, either. Maybe that was why she had bought him the _Persephone--_to tell him he was free to go. That he should go. But then why would she have told him it would help her if he held her everyday?

He had told her he wasn't going anywhere, and he meant it. He had not always been the best at keeping his word to Penelo, but that was just because she didn't always understand what he had to do, and arguing with her usually just took too long. This was different, and he was determined to show her he really was going to be there.

But if she didn't want him there…

He didn't sleep well, even though he didn't hear a sound out of Penelo all night. He even got up before she did, thinking that maybe if he did something nice for her, she might rethink her thoughts about being with him.

When Penelo woke up, she came out of her room looking rather content, seemingly unaware that she still had ink on her cheek. She froze when she saw the mess he had made of the kitchen. "Vaan? What did you _do?"_

Vaan was feeling particularly grumpy and not just a little put out. "I made breakfast." Cooking was never something he had liked doing, and it was a horrible pain, but he had _tried_. That had to count for something, right? Even if the food he had on plates was lumpy? And a little discolored? And maybe indistinguishable as anything remotely edible?

Penelo sat down, staring at the plate, her lips twitching with restrained laughter. "It looks--very interesting, Vaan."

"Hey, if you don't like it--"

"Thank you."

Vaan watched with a little fascination as she actually put a bite in her mouth, chewed, and swallowed.

"It's…interesting."

"Is that the only word you have for this?"

"I didn't think you'd appreciate 'disgusting_._'"

Vaan sighed glumly and sat down across from her, staring at his own plate. "Is it really that bad?"

"Worse." Then Penelo grinned, shrugged, and continued eating.

Vaan returned the grin and ate his own food, which was just as bad as Penelo had said, but if _she _could eat it, then so could he. Besides, how many girls would insult his cooking and then cheerfully choke it down anyway?

When they were finished eating, they both quickly sucked down a cup of juice to wash out the horrible taste in their mouths, and Penelo leaned back in her chair. "I didn't dream last night."

Vaan raised his eyebrows at her, and she elaborated, "I forgot to take the herbs before I fell asleep, but…I didn't dream at all anyway. I-I wrote in my journal before I fell asleep. I think…maybe that helped."

Vaan didn't say anything, but Penelo didn't seem to need a response. She stood up and started cleaning up the mess, and threw a washcloth at him to get him to help.

He watched her carefully that day as they went about work in Migelo's. She really did seem like she was slowly getting better. Lately she smiled more readily, and though she still jumped whenever the bell over the door rang, she didn't let it stop her from working.

Two more weeks went by, and as the time passed, Vaan decided it was both better and worse than the beginning of this whole incident. Better because Penelo had accepted that she was in pain, and worse for the same reason. She let herself cry without trying to stop the tears. When she told Vaan one day that she wished she could just scream, he took her down to the Garamsythe Waterway and told her to have at it.

She went out into Rabanastre more and more often by herself, visiting the kids in Lowtown, going shopping at the bazaar, or just walking around the city. She also did completely stop taking the wilder herb powder, after making sure all of her weapons were locked safely out of the way. She told Vaan it was because she needed to be able to gauge how her nightmares were doing, and she thought that having accepted the suffering might have made her subconscious more aware. Maybe since she was giving herself outlets in her waking hours, her mind wouldn't feel the need to find outlets in her sleeping ones. Vaan wasn't entirely sure what she was talking about, except maybe she meant that writing in her journal (which she did regularly now) or screaming in the waterway was helping her get better. She did tell Vaan that if she sleepwalked, he should wake her.

The first few nights following this were pretty bad, and Vaan wondered if she was really doing any better or if she was just backsliding. She was back to waking up yelling, shivering, or having Vaan drag her back to bed because yes, she had walked into the other room crying. He did make sure to wake her up, first, though, so she knew she was doing it. She finally started sleeping with the light on, and though she told Vaan it made her feel she was acting like a scared child, it did help her. She slept better and her nightmares were not so frequent. During the second week of this, she only woke up yelling or crying two or three times, and she did not sleepwalk at all.

Vaan kept his promise and hugged her everyday. He always made sure she saw him coming; he never grabbed her from behind, because he didn't want her reacting badly and doing something they would both regret. Sometimes when he embraced her, she tensed, and once she reflexively pushed him away. Vaan didn't let it stop him, because Penelo had asked him and he had known she might react this way sometimes. He just drew her to him again, and whenever she was stiff and unmoving, he held her until she relaxed and her arms came back around him. Then, to show her that he really did care, he would grin and tug her braids, which made her squeal and slap at him.

Finally, it had been a whole month since the attack on Penelo. It was one of the longest months of his life, but Vaan really started to feel that he was getting his Penelo back. Sometimes she would reach out and squeeze his arm, or put a hand on his shoulder, little things that had been missing over the past weeks. She smiled more and cried less.

Despite this, there was a nagging part of him that kept wondering if it was going to last. He couldn't help but question if he was really doing Penelo any good, and if she had changed her mind at all about how she shouldn't be with him. There were times when he saw her looking at him with worry in her eyes, or fear, or _something_ that he couldn't figure out. A lot of times it came when he went to take the _Persephone _out for a little while. Was she worried about him flying? Afraid because she thought he would disappear? Or was she just wondering what was taking him so long and waiting for him to fly off into the horizon?

He didn't know, and he couldn't ask her. He was afraid if he did, it would shatter the peace they were again starting to build, and though he was usually all for taking risks of his own, he had always tried to keep Penelo safe. During their journey saving Ivalice, she had complained at him for getting in her way when he tried to protect her, but he hadn't cared. He got even more protective of her when she chose to develop her white magicks over everything else, because then it was her job to take care of everyone, but who was going to take care of her? And now he found himself unwilling to risk losing Penelo in any way.

Which is why he only took the _Persephone _on short flights, and only for a couple of hours. Even though he would have loved to fly off and visit other places, maybe go to Bhujerba or even see if he could find Llyud and the Aegyls. The sky called to him, but he ignored its voice and instead spent time modifying the airship, adding little things that he thought might come in handy one day.

One day.

Five days before the fete in Archades, he returned to Migelo's after spending a couple of hours down at the aerodome, and Migelo informed him that Penelo had gone out.

"Where?" Vaan asked. "Did she say?"

"To see the Queen, I believe. Here, my boy. I need these things picked up from the bazaar."

Vaan absently took the list Migelo handed him, wondering why Penelo had gone to the palace. He didn't have to wonder too long, because when he got back from the bazaar, Penelo was again at work in the shop, standing behind the counter, taking gil from a customer. He walked up and set his bag of supplies on the counter, and as soon as the customer was gone, he leaned forward and said, "You went to see Ashe?"

"Yes." Penelo folded her arms on the counter and looked at him. "I…I've been thinking. Maybe I should have talked to you first, but I was kind of afraid if I did, I would change my mind, and...well, I--"

"What? Spit it out, already."

"I want to go to the fete in Archades," she said quickly.

Vaan blinked at her in surprise. "Really?"

Penelo nodded.

"Why?"

"I don't…well, I've just been thinking a lot the last couple of weeks. I've been able to get my head in a place where I could think more about what happened to me and _why_. There are so many things that don't make sense to me."

Honestly, there were things that didn't make sense to him, either, but the only one with whom he had spoken about it was Balthier. "Like what?" he asked Penelo, wondering if she was bothered by the same things.

"I--" Penelo stopped talking as another customer came up. "I'll tell you later. I told Ashe I wanted to go, and said we have an airship, but if you don't want to go, I can still get a ride with her." She rang up the customer's purchases and took the gil from him.

"I'll go." He wasn't going to pass up a chance to get into the Archades royal palace…and he certainly wasn't going to let Penelo go off without him, not with this supposed Archadian noble uprising and the men who had attacked her possibly being Archadian nobles.

"She asked if I have anything appropriate to wear for a party. I told her no, and she's having something sent to me. I told her not to, but she said to consider it a birthday present."

Vaan froze. _Birthday present? Is it Penelo's birthday? Did I miss it _again? He had always been terrible at remembering dates. On Penelo's seventeenth birthday, they had been wandering around the icy slopes of the Paramina Rift, so he thought it reasonable that he wouldn't have been aware of what day it was. Penelo had not been too convinced of his reasoning, though; the look in her eyes had been far colder than any of the snow she threw at him.

He breathed a silent sigh of relief when he realized that Penelo's birthday was still two days away. Of course _Ashe _would remember.

Later that night, when they were done with work and had helped Migelo close the shop, they went up to their apartment. Penelo kicked off her shoes and collapsed on the couch, stretching out and propping her feet on a pillow. Vaan flopped down on the floor in front of her, leaning his head back against the couch and looking at her upside down. "So?"

Penelo sighed and looked at him. "I've been writing in my journal a lot. It's…it's really let me get to a point where I can think about it all--the circumstances behind what happened to me. And there are things that still really don't make sense. The biggest thing that bothers me is why they didn't kill me, and why they didn't wait for you to come back. That never added up to me."

Vaan had asked Balthier some of these questions, so he understood exactly why it bothered Penelo.

"Vaan--I never asked you this, but...did you find the Seeq who hired you for this job, or did he find you?"

"He found me," Vaan said. "I was going to have to get a job anyway, so it seemed--"

"He sought you out. Don't you think that's strange?"

"Not really. I was looking at the postings board at the tavern there when he came up and asked me if I was looking for a job."

"Well, even so, don't you think it's strange that this happened to me? I mean, _me._ Out of all of the towns in Ivalice, out of all the girls…isn't it a bit strange that something to do with an Archadian plot would come around to us?"

"I always thought it was just really bad timing on my part."

"I'm not so sure of that. Think about it, Vaan. We have connections to the major rulers in Ivalice--Ashe, Larsa, Al-Cid. How many commoners can say that? And all of these major rulers are convening for a party in a few days."

"You think…wait, you think that someone did this to you because they're somehow trying to get at the rulers of Ivalice?"

"I don't know, Vaan, and that's what's bothering me. That's why I decided I need to go to this fete. Ashe said that Larsa doesn't trust his nobles--how can he, with all these rumors of an uprising among them? I just feel like I'm caught in the middle of a huge web, and I'm having trouble untangling it. All I know is that none of this really makes sense to me. Lately, the more I think about it…it's just making me mad, Vaan. Really mad. If there's even a possibility that someone used me for something, if they used me to try to get at people I care about, I want to know. This is about peace. Not just my peace; everyone's peace. It's…" She trailed off, but Vaan knew. Peace was all Penelo ever wanted.

"Are you going to be okay? What if--" What if _he _was at the fete? What if he somehow ran into Penelo? Tried to do something to her?

Well, Vaan was going to be there. It was going to be a big party, with a lot of people, and quite a few who cared about Penelo and would be watching out for her, too. He wouldn't let anything happen to her. Not again.

"I don't know," Penelo whispered. She didn't meet his eyes. "I really don't know if I'll be okay. I don't even know if I'm going to want to…" She shook her head. "Never mind."

"What?" Vaan asked. He lifted his head and twisted around so he could face her. "You don't know if you're going to want to what?"

"I'm going to have to wear a dress or something. Whatever Ashe sends me. I don't know if I…and there will be dancing there…"

"You don't have to dance, Penelo."

"I know." Then, so quietly that he almost didn't hear her, she whispered, "I just wish I _could_."

He didn't quite know what she meant; he knew she hadn't taken a single dance step in a month, but he didn't really expect her to feel up to dancing after what she had gone through. Was there more to it than just that?

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and then Penelo abruptly rolled on her side to face him. She reached for his hand and gripped it tightly. "I'm scared, Vaan."

He squeezed her hand. "We don't have to do this."

"I do. Otherwise, if something happens…I would always ask myself if I could have stopped it. If it was somehow my fault. I don't know what _would _happen, but…" She gave a sad little smile. "And I have to know."

"Know what?"

"If I've really gotten any better."

The look in her eyes was desolate, and Vaan looped his free arm around her, resting his head on the couch so his face was only inches from hers. "You don't need to go to this fete to prove that, Penelo."

"I know."

But she was going to do it anyway. "Okay. Well…" He tried to think of something to say and finally came up with, "So what do you want to do for your birthday?"

Penelo wrinkled her nose at him. "You forgot my birthday."

"What? I did not!"

"You did. You only remembered because I mentioned it."

"Just because I didn't remember _today _doesn't mean I forgot it."

"Mmhmm." Penelo pressed her forehead against Vaan's and closed her eyes. "I know you better than that, Vaan."

Vaan's heart rate had sped up, and while he told himself it was because Penelo was breathing in his oxygen because she was so close, he knew it was more likely that it was simply because she was so close. So close that he could count the freckles (five) on her nose. "You still didn't answer the question."

"I don't know what I want to do for my birthday. Which you forgot."

"Did not."

"Did too." But there was a faint smile on Penelo's face, and she murmured, "Just don't cook for me, okay?"


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Many thanks go out to my fantabulous reviewers: eolhcsullivan452, Destatikai, Feeny, Aspexit, and Reaper's Shadow. :D**

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Chapter Twelve

On Penelo's birthday, she just ended up having a lot of the orphan kids and Tomaj over. Filo made her a cake (lopsided, but certainly better than anything Vaan would have come up with). Overall, it was certainly better than her seventeenth birthday. Vaan even gave her a present: a new journal and a box of candy, made by one of the vendors in the bazaar. On the list of things he had gotten her for her birthday over the years (everything from a moogle doll missing an arm when she was twelve to a bunch of half-wilted flowers when she was fifteen), it was actually very thoughtful of him.

Ashe had already said her gift would probably not arrive until a day or two before the fete. It made Penelo nervous. She was very hesitant about wearing a dress of any kind. She had been wearing the same type of clothing all month--clothing with a lot of zippers, buckles, and clasps. Clothing that would be nearly impossible for anyone but her to take off of her.

Which brought her right back around to dancing. She had been able to really look at her reservations for dancing lately, just a little bit, and she had been able to admit one thing for certain: the dancing clothes scared her. They scared her because they had been so easy for one man to tear straight through, and maybe, just maybe if she had been wearing something different, it would have stalled him. Slowed him down. Long enough for…for something.

Maybe it didn't make much sense, but Penelo knew that wearing a dress was going to be just as difficult. She only hoped that Ashe wouldn't have something made that was revealing…maybe she should have said something…

She didn't want to wear something that made her feel vulnerable. Like a dress. Or dancing clothes. Both made her feel very feminine, very afraid. She was afraid to feel feminine.

And she was going to have to force herself to get over it in the next three days, because she was determined to go to the fete, and it would hardly be appropriate for her to go looking like she did now. Besides, it would make her stick out like a sore thumb and she needed to blend in as much as possible.

The day after her birthday, she took a break, supposedly for lunch, when Vaan was running an errand. She felt too sick to eat, though--sick because she knew what she needed to do and it was going to be terribly, horribly hard.

She went up to the apartment, going into her room and taking a deep breath before opening the drawer where she had shoved all of her dancing outfits. She took them out, spreading them out on her bed and running shaking fingers over the smooth silkiness. She didn't want to look at them, didn't want to touch them, and certainly didn't want to put them on.

Which is why she had to do it. This was the biggest inhibition in her way right now. If she could put these on…if she could do that, and if she could dance, even a few steps…

_It shouldn't be this hard._

She didn't know how long she sat there, making herself look at the clothes, before she slowly undid her buckles, clasps, and zippers and peeled herself out of her (safe) clothes. She pulled on her dancer's pants, and then the top, lacing it up behind her back. Her hands were trembling as she finished tightening it, and she clenched her hands into fists at her sides. Bracing herself, she stepped in front of the mirror.

She stared at herself for several heartbeats. She looked the same as she always had in these clothes, but she felt so naked. Crossing her arms over her stomach, she took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror. Her bedroom was really too small for any dancing, so she stepped out into the living room where she had a clear space. She could do this. She needed to do this.

Letting out her breath, she closed her eyes and took one step, and then another. Her eyes opened as she fell into the familiar pattern and rhythm of a dance she had learned as a little girl.

She could not have explained in words how it made her feel, but it was one of the hardest things she had ever done. Dancing had always made her feel free and beautiful and graceful, things that she didn't always feel about herself. Now, though, it made her feel _wrong. _She was so conscientious of the way her body was moving, the sway of her hips, and it just made her think of how much her body had felt like an object, like something she had no control over, when she was so brutally violated.

She forced herself to keep moving, following the pattern of the dance, while her body tried to tense on her and her mind screamed at her to stop. It took every ounce of will to continue, and then she turned in a spin and saw Vaan standing by the front door. She faltered and went cold, wondering how long he had been standing there watching her; she hadn't heard him unlock the door and come in. She met his eyes before folding her arms across her stomach and turning away, ashamed and not knowing why.

Penelo's eyes went back to him, and she braced herself, knowing she couldn't turn back. She had to keep going, had to get through this hang-up. She held out her hand toward him, her voice coming out in a whisper. "Dance with me?"

Vaan raised his eyebrows. "Me?"

"No, Vaan, the door," she retorted. It was taking all her effort to keep her hand extended.

He frowned at her, but stepped forward. She knew he could dance, because she had made him dance with her so much when they were little. Most people thought he would be clumsy or left-footed, but she knew better. He usually moaned and protested the whole time, but his steps were always sure.

He slowly took her hand, and she held her breath when he moved closer, his body brushing against hers. She wanted to move away from him, but she wanted to be close to him at the same time, and the contradicting desires made her freeze, her breathing becoming shallow.

He was watching her with worry in his eyes. "Are you sure about this?"

"It's just a dance, Vaan." When had she gotten so good at lying to herself?

His arm slowly encircled her bare waist, evoking a disturbing multitude of emotions--warmth and fear, contentment and guilt. She ignored it all and focused on the dance, moving with Vaan around the room, one foot at a time, her eyes not moving from his the entire time.

As they danced, Penelo slowly began to relax, and the fear and shame gradually began to fade. She was safe here; in his arms there was comfort and strength, there was hope and…and…

Her feet slowed as she continued to gaze into his eyes. What she saw in them was so familiar; it was what she had seen in ever increasing amounts the past months. It was what she herself had felt whenever she was around him, and it was what she had been waiting for him to somehow express. Waiting because he was Vaan and he was on the brink of boy and man, and because she…was…

…not moving anymore, and she couldn't remember when she had stopped. Her hand moved almost of its own accord, brushing over his chest, up across his cheek, fingers slipping into his hair before coming back to rest on his shoulder. She froze as he bent toward her, hesitating for a moment before touching his lips tentatively to hers.

Sudden, instinctive terror crashed down upon her, and her entire body tensed. She almost shoved him away, but managed to keep herself in check by clenching her hands into fists. He pulled away instantly, releasing his hold on her, his face flushed. "I'm sorry. I'll--"

She wanted to cry. What was _wrong with her? _She had been waiting so long for this, for Vaan to do _something _to show he loved her as more than just a friend and sidekick, and her stupid reactions were pushing him away again.

He turned to walk toward the door, and she reached out and grabbed his arm before he could go. "Wait," she whispered. She pulled him back around. He was _Vaan_, and she couldn't be scared of him. Not ever. She couldn't _let _herself. She didn't want to push him away. She wanted…she wanted to be with him.

She stretched up on tiptoes and kissed him, and though part of her trembled, she kept her eyes fixed on his and she saw the emotions there, saw his hesitation, felt how cautiously he put his arms around her again. The kiss started out very uncertain, but as she clutched him tightly and drew him closer, focusing on him and only him, it deepened into something more intense. Her heart pounded in her chest and she breathed him in, the feel and taste of the person who meant everything to her. A strange desperation grew within her as she continued to kiss him, pressing herself as close to him as possible.

She was so lost in it--she wanted to be lost in it, wanted for once to just stop thinking, to stop hurting, to just be happy with the man she loved--that she didn't really come to her senses until her back was pressed against the wall and she suddenly realized exactly what was happening…what could happen…what she was letting happen…what she wanted to happen.

She panicked. She jerked her face away from him, this time pushing him away from her. "Get out."

"Pene--"

"Get out, Vaan, _please._" She squeezed her eyes shut and didn't open them again until she heard his footsteps retreating and the front door closing. Then she looked around the room through blurry vision. She wanted to scream at herself, at her stupidity. She had undoubtedly hurt him, and confused him, but she was just as hurt and confused_._

She fell back against the wall and sank to the floor. Her first instinct was to blame her actions on her fear, the fierce, almost primal fear that sometimes sprang up when she was least expecting it. That was part of it, she knew, but…

It hit her like a bolt of lightning then, so sharp and sudden that she couldn't breathe. She doubled over, clutching her stomach and fighting tears as she suddenly realized that it wasn't just the rape that had brought this on, not entirely. It had certainly exacerbated the issue, but it had existed even before, and she hadn't seen it clearly.

She didn't feel worthy of being loved by Vaan.

How could she have been so blind? She didn't feel worthy of him. People had often said that they didn't know how she put up with him sometimes, but she was the one who was terrified of losing him. There was a deeply-rooted fear that she wasn't what he wanted. Everyone else in her life left her, by choice or not.

In her sudden understanding, she saw that this was one reason why she had been holding back for so long, waiting for him to make a move, because she needed to know he wanted her. She was always inviting herself along with him, even before leaving Rabanastre. She had always been the one tracking him down around the city, the one inviting herself along when he needed a sunstone, the one begging him not to leave her behind when Balthier was 'kidnapping' Ashe, the one saying she would be his sky pirate partner. If she hadn't insisted, she would have gotten left behind long ago.

Maybe she should have let herself get left behind. Maybe she should have let him go, let him find a girl who wouldn't be so…so much like her.

Especially now. Vaan had been so restless lately. He was only here now because of her.

And here she had just come so close to losing herself entirely with him, and it was the desperate need that had stopped her. She didn't want it to be like that; she had never wanted it to be like that. She didn't want sex to be something she did to try to affirm that he wanted to be with her. She didn't want it to be something to prove that she was worthy of love. She didn't want it to be a tool. She didn't want to try to convince herself it was a means for healing, because it would only make things worse. She would be twisting something that was supposed to be precious, taking something from Vaan because of her own insecurities, because she felt worthless and used and she wanted to cover that up, to fill in her holes, but it couldn't be like this.

_"A lot of men will try to get something from you, Penelo," _her mother had told her on more than one occasion. _"Wait until you find the one who loves you, the one you love. And if he loves you that much, then he had better be willing to put a ring on your finger, or your father and brothers will kill him. If I don't get to him first."_

_It would be nice if it was just that simple, Mom, _Penelo thought, tears in the corners of her eyes. She wished she had someone who had some answers…someone who could tell her what she should do now, in this situation.

Penelo went into her room and locked the door. She didn't leave the rest of the evening, didn't answer when Vaan returned, knocking on her door and calling her name. She thought long and hard, wrestling with herself before finally making the hardest decision of her life. She felt like everything had just flipped completely upside down. The fete in Archades seemed like a distant thing, and part of her vaguely wondered why she had wanted to go in the first place.

To help. To try to help. To solve the mysteries that had been bothering her. To try to find out if she was better. To…

_I'll worry about the fete later. Right now I…I have to…I can't…_

_I have to go._

She pulled out her travel bag and started stuffing things into it. Her stomach was in knots and she thought she might throw up as she checked to see how much gil she had. Not much, but a little bit. Vaan had used the last two teleport stones on the round trip to Archades, and since they hadn't restocked their supply, she would have to travel by other means. She couldn't take the _Persephone_; not only was she just _not _a pilot, but it was Vaan's ship. Vaan's freedom.

"Penelo?"

Penelo froze as Vaan called through the door yet again, her fingers clutching the bag of gil so tightly her knuckles turned white.

"I'm going to bed. Wake me if you--look, just come talk to me if you--" Vaan sighed. There was a long pause, and she bit her lip and refused to let herself cry. Finally, he said, "'Night."

She waited another hour, until she was certain he was asleep, before grabbing her bag and a note she had written for him. She quietly unlocked her bedroom door and stepped out into the hall. His door was open, and she peered inside, seeing Vaan lying still in his bed.

She tiptoed across the room, standing over him for a long moment, watching him sleep like he always did, with one arm flung over his head. She smiled, but a sob caught in her throat and tears welled in her eyes. Slowly, she leaned down, hesitating only a moment before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips, knowing he wouldn't wake.

She straightened quickly, but not before several of her tears fell onto his cheeks. She carefully set her note on the bedside table, giving Vaan one last look, and then fleeing from the room before she could change her mind. She quietly opened the door, fumbling with the lock because her tears were flowing freely down her face now. She closed the door softly, hurrying down the stairs and into Migelo's. Once she was out of the shop, she ran as fast as she could, not letting herself turn around and look back. She knew if she did, she would lose all resolve and run straight back into his arms.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Thank you very much to my reviewers: Aspexit, Destatikai, eolhcsullivan452, Feeny, Zero Sakura Cross, and Reaper's Shadow. :)**

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Chapter Thirteen

Vaan's sleep was restless, and when he woke up, he had a horrible knot in his stomach. The knot, he was sure, was because of Penelo. He felt terribly guilty. He shouldn't have kissed her. He should have known better, but…

Sighing, he sat up on his bed and rubbed his eyes. It wasn't yet dawn, but knowing Penelo, she would be up with the sun. Maybe she would be willing to talk to him then, though he wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to look at him again.

Something caught his eye, and he blinked as he spotted a piece of paper on his bedside table. Frowning, he picked it up. There were only a few words on it, written in Penelo's neat script, but they pierced him to his core.

_I can't stay. Please don't come after me. _Then, underneath that, she had written, _I'm sorry. _There were several spots on the parchment where it looked like tears had fallen.

Vaan stared at the note numbly for several long moments, and then jumped to his feet, racing out his door and facing her room. The door was open, the room empty. He spun around, not quite believing that she could have actually _left, _but a quick glance of the rest of the apartment showed that Penelo wasn't there. She was gone. She had just left in the middle of the night. It seemed impossible, unfathomable. She was _always_ there. No matter what he did, no matter how stupid he was or how annoyed he made her, she was there.

_Please don't come after me_.

She had left, and it sounded like she wasn't planning on coming back. Why? _Why? _

_Because she's tired of being put in danger because of me. Because she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Because I'm stupid and I kiss her and never tell her that I--that she--and now she…she's…gone._

Vaan couldn't even begin to describe what he felt at that moment. He had felt loss before, many, many times, and though Penelo wasn't dead, he had a horrible, overwhelming sense of complete and utter loss.

She couldn't be gone. She was his hope, the reason he could face each day. She was his sunlight, his laughter and joy, his promise that life could be worth something. She was his _everything._ He had always known this, without having to think about it, without having to say it, but maybe if he _had, _maybe if he had stopped and really told her…

He was moving before he really realized it, crumpling up the note that was somehow still in his hand and throwing it on the floor, grabbing his shoes and pulling them on even as he ran for the door. The moon was out, and the chilly desert night was clear and cloudless. He had forgotten to put on a shirt, and he shivered as the cold wind blew on his bare skin.

When had Penelo left? Where would she have gone? Where would she have felt safe, since she didn't feel safe with him? There were so many possibilities…maybe she had left Rabanastre. The teleport stones were gone, so that left walking, chocobo, or airship. The chocobos weren't for rent during the night, and if she wanted to walk somewhere, it would take a long, long time. Would she have taken the _Persephone? _No, he knew she wouldn't have tried to pilot it alone. She could have gone to the aerodome anyway and bought passage somewhere. She had wanted to go to the fete in Archades, and surely if she showed up at Larsa's, he would invite her to stay…would she have done that? Or would she have changed her mind about the fete? Maybe she thought she should go see Basch, or Larsa, or maybe she wanted to look for Balthier and Fran...or she could have stayed in the city. She could have gone to Ashe. Ashe would take her in, or help her get passage wherever she wanted to go.

There were so many possibilities, and he stood on the street, torn, before deciding to check the aerodome first. If he went to the palace, Ashe would be able to tell him if she had seen Penelo, but if Penelo had decided to get a flight out of Rabanastre, no one would be able to tell him where she had gone.

He ran, his feet pounding across flagstones, despair threatening to overwhelm him. How long had Penelo been gone? Had he slept the night away while she was getting farther and farther away from him? He was feeling more panicked with each moment that passed. What if Penelo had wanted to disappear entirely and never went to anyone she knew? What if she got hurt? What if she--gods, he was going to kill her when he got a hold of her. What was she thinking? If she was that upset at him, she could have told him! Or hit him, or screamed at him, or whatever! Anything but this.

He was a coward. A coward for keeping her with him. He should be sending her away; he should be _walking _away, leaving her so that he would stop putting her in danger, but…he couldn't.

His heart was pounding loudly in his ears when he finally shoved into the aerodome, frantically scanning the area for her. There were only a few people waiting for flights, some of them dozing on their seats. He circled the length of the building and saw no sign of her. Breathing hard--more from panic than from his race to get there--he ran to the nearest counter, the one for flights to Bhujerba. "Did you have any flights leave during the night?" he panted.

"Only one, sir," the woman behind the counter said, eyeing him strangely. "It left for Bhujerba about three hours ago."

Would Penelo go to Bhujerba? Honestly, at this point, he hadn't a clue. If she was just _running, _then she was as likely to go to Bhujerba as anywhere else. "Was there--do you know if there was a girl that got on? About this tall?" Vaan held his hand at Penelo's height. "Blonde hair…probably in two braids…"

"I don't know. This is Rabanastre, sir. There are a lot of girls with blonde hair."

"Do you have any other flights leaving soon?"

"We have one going to Archades in two hours." The woman pointed him to the Archades ticket counter.

Frustrated, Vaan turned from the counter and stared toward the doors leading to the dome. Had Penelo caught that one flight out? Should he get on the _Persephone _and go to Bhujerba? What was he supposed to do?

_Go talk to Ashe first. Maybe…maybe Penelo went there._

He left the aerodome. The sky was beginning to lighten as he ran for the palace, and when he reached the palace gate, he realized he was in trouble. He didn't have the get-into-see-Ashe token; Penelo always carried it. He didn't recognize the guards who came to block his path, either, and they didn't seem at all impressed when he told them he had to see Queen Ashelia immediately. Getting angry and more frustrated with each moment that passed, Vaan said some things to the guards that ended up getting him pressed to the ground, a spear aimed at his back.

He was saved when the guards' superior came to see what was going on, and he, at least, knew who Vaan was. "Let him up, boys. He's one of Her Majesty's companions."

The guards pulled away rather reluctantly. "This kid?" one asked dubiously.

Their superior eyed Vaan rather resignedly. "I'm afraid so. What do you want?" he asked Vaan.

"I need to see the queen immediately. It's an emergency."

The man continued to look at him, and finally said, "I would deny you entrance did I not know your part in helping Queen Ashelia." He motioned Vaan to follow him, and added, "And was Her Majesty not already awake."

Vaan was taken to a sitting room similar to the one he had last sat in with Penelo, and he paced around it anxiously until the door opened and Ashe entered, wearing a long night robe and a pair of slippers. Her bodyguard was behind her, but Vaan ignored him, all his focus on Ashe, who raised her eyebrows upon seeing him. Only then did Vaan realize what a sight he must be, wearing nothing but shoes and a pair of pants, covered with dirt from being pressed to the ground. "Vaan," she said. "To what do I owe this very early morning visit?" Her eyes searched the room, and a slight frown creased her forehead. "Where is Penelo?"

Vaan deflated. "You mean you haven't seen her?"

Concern flashed through Ashe's eyes. "Is she missing?"

Vaan rubbed a hand across his face. "Not exactly."

"Vaan," Ashe said, with barely restrained patience.

"She…left," Vaan said.

Ashe's frown deepened. "What did you do?"

If Vaan hadn't already known it was actually his fault, he would have been insulted. As it was, all he could do was tell her the truth. "I kissed her."

Ashe stared at him for a full ten seconds before she said, "Vaan, how do you get yourself into these situations?"

He did not have time to get into an argument with Ashe. "Look, if she's not here, then I have to go. I have to find her." He moved to step around Ashe, but she held out an arm, blocking his path.

"That might not be the wisest choice, Vaan. If Penelo left, perhaps she simply needs some time alone."

"This is my fault. I'm going to fix it."

"Vaan--"

Vaan shook his head. "I'll let myself out."

Ashe stared at him for a long moment and then sighed. "Be careful."

Vaan stepped past her and her bodyguard, then stopped. "If she does come see you, tell her I'm sorry. Tell her I just want to talk to her."

Despite saying he would let himself out, a guard escorted him out of the palace. Back on the city streets, Vaan stopped, bending over and bracing his hands on his knees. What did he do now? Aside from jumping on board the _Persephone _and looking for her in Bhujerba…and then Archades…and…he would find her. He didn't know how, but he had to find her.

He took a deep breath and straightened. He would go back to the apartment and grab some supplies. He would go to the fete in Archades the next day, because if there was any chance Penelo was going to be there, then he would be there, too…

He was heading toward Migelo's when a friendly voice called, "Vaan!"

He looked to see Durjin, one of the men from Nomad Village, pulling a cart full of supplies, no doubt on his way to sell and trade at the bazaar.

"Well, there you are," Durjin said, coming to a halt beside Vaan. "What happened to you?" He looked at Vaan in concern. "Are you all right? When I asked Penelo where you were--"

"You've seen Penelo?" Vaan asked, taking an inadvertent step toward him.

Durjin looked even more worried. "I passed her on my way into the city. Just sitting out in the desert by the city walls. She said she was waiting to catch a flight to Archades--"

Vaan recalled the agent at the aerodome saying a flight to Archades was going to be leaving soon. Heart racing, he clapped Durjin on the shoulder and took off, yelling, "Thank you!" over his shoulder. He ran back through the city, and by the time he reached the aerodome, he was sweaty and out of breath. He saw no sign of Penelo inside, and went to the Archades ticket counter, only to find that the flight to Archades was leaving in a few minutes. The passengers were already on board.

Vaan whirled and ran for the dome. He was stopped at the door by one of the aerodome's agents, eyeing him up and down dubiously. "Ticket, please."

"I don't have ticket!"

"Then you need to stand back, sir."

Vaan inhaled a sharp breath. "I don't want to go to Archades. I just want to talk to one of your passengers before--"

"No entry without a ticket, sir."

He suddenly realized that he didn't have his keycard to get into the private area of the aerodome, and he didn't have _time _to try to convince anyone that he really _did _have a right to be in the airship dome (and anyway, once he got in there, he wasn't planning on going for _his _ship). So he simply shoved past the agent, saying, "I don't have time for this!"

Vaan deftly dodged as the man shouted and tried to grab him, running toward the large airship in the middle of the dome--it had to be the right one, because someone was climbing into it with a bag in hand. Out of the corner of his eye, he noted the _Persephone _tucked into its proper space.

He was being yelled at and chased, but this wasn't anything out of the ordinary, so he ignored it and ran for the airship heading to Archades, jumping past the startled woman getting on board. He found himself in the passenger area, surrounded by startled faces. He had eyes for none of them save one.

Vaan's knees went weak with relief when he saw Penelo sitting next to the window, again dressed in her full-body clothes, her eyes wide as she stared at him. He wasn't sure if she looked so shocked because he looked like he had run out of bed and taken a roll in the dirt (which he had, really), or because she was just surprised to see him. The ticket agent had caught up with him and was demanding he leave the airship immediately. Vaan leapt over several seated passengers and dropped to his knees in front of Penelo. "What are you thinking?" He asked, grabbing her shoulders and barely resisting the urge to shake her. "What are you _doing? _Why are you--why are you--" _Why are you leaving me?_

_You know why,_ his inner voice told him. His hands fell off her shoulders, and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing his face into her lap. "Don't." He looked up at her and saw her still staring at him, her eyes filling with tears that slipped silently down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I kissed you and made you upset."

There was a heavy silence as the other passengers stared at them; even the ticket agent had fallen quiet.

"Vaan…" Penelo wiped her face with the backs of her hands. "I can't--please don't--"

"I'll stop sky pirating. I'll stop flying. I'll do whatever you want, Penelo, just please…please don't go."

"Vaan." She was pleading with him, too, pleading with him to stop, to leave, even though she didn't say it. He could hear it in her voice, and he clung to her more tightly.

He didn't care what he looked like, that he probably sounded like a scared kid. He_ was_ scared. He was terrified. "I can't." They were the only words he could get out; his throat was uncomfortably tight, and his eyes burned. He hadn't cried since Reks had died, and he fought from letting any tears come to his eyes now. "I can't be here without you. I can't be anywhere without you."

The airship was dead silent, but he didn't care. All he cared about was the girl in his arms.

No, he suddenly realized. The woman in his arms. The woman that he loved more than life itself, the woman who was trying to walk away, maybe forever.

Tears continued to roll down her cheeks, and she pressed her hands to her face. "_Vaan_." He wasn't sure what emotions were in her voice then. She sounded lost and lonely, struggling for control. She took a deep, shuddering breath and again scrubbed her face with her hands.

Vaan registered the passengers and airship agent watching them with a sort of wide-eyed fascination, and he said, "Just--come with me off the ship. You can get back on if you…if you want, but…let's just talk for a minute?" If he could at least get her to leave the ship, he knew there would be hope in convincing her to come home with him.

She swallowed and looked at him for a long moment before nodding once. Relieved, he finally stood, but slid one hand into hers and pulled her to her feet, holding tightly to her fingers, afraid if he let go he would somehow lose her entirely. They wound their way through the other passengers, past the agent, and out into the aerodome.

Penelo pulled her hand away from his. "You shouldn't have come."

"How can you say that? How could you think I _wouldn't _come? I'll _always _come for you!"

Penelo was silent, and she finally whispered, "I'm used."

He frowned. "What?"

"I'm _used, _Vaan, don't you understand? I wanted--Vaan, all I ever wanted was to be with you. To spend my life with you. All of it. I was just…I was trying to figure out the next step, because we're not little anymore, and we had both changed so much, and I was waiting for you. I was waiting only for you." Her tears were gone, but her voice was broken, and it hurt. It hurt him to see her in such pain.

Vaan stared at her dumbly. "You--" He was missing something. "Wait. What?"

"But he took that from me," she said, and Vaan at least understood the '_he_' to be the man who had raped her. "And I'm scared, and I hate it," she continued. "I hate what this has done to me and I always need you and I had to leave because…I came so close to--to--" Her cheeks turned red, and she couldn't quite meet his gaze.

"You're…not leaving because I kissed you? Because I put you in danger?" Vaan said slowly, trying to figure this out. "You're--leaving because you need me?" How did that make any sense at all?

"You shouldn't have to deal with me. I'm just selfish and stupid and I'm always tagging along and holding you back and all I've done lately is make you--"

Vaan still grabbed her into a fierce embrace, cutting off her words. "No," he told her. "I know you shouldn't stay with me because I'm always getting you in trouble, but I still can't…I can't do this. And if you go, then I'll have to follow you and it will just be easier if you stay with me and save me the trouble."

"Vaan--"

"Don't," he said desperately. "I love you." And the words that he had _known_ but never said aloud didn't feel at all strange coming from his mouth. They just felt…right.

She tilted her head up to look at him, staring as though she had misheard him. "What?"

"I love you." Vaan looked down at her for a long moment, loosening his hold on her slightly. "I love you, and I should have said that a long time ago, but I didn't, and then--I didn't know what you wanted. I've been trying, Penelo, but I don't know what to do and I just want--" _To make you happy. To keep a smile on your face. To show you that I love you and I need you and I want you. _His words stuck in his throat.

He still couldn't figure out the swirl of emotions in her eyes as she pulled away from him. "Vaan…"

"Do you love me?"

For a long, horrible moment, he thought she wasn't going to answer, but finally, she whispered, "Of course I do."

"Then…why can't you stay?"

"I can't do this anymore, Vaan. I can't keep making you unhappy. You want to fly. You _need _to fly, to be free to pursue the life you always wanted, and I'm the only thing holding you back from living your dreams."

"That's just…that's stupid, Penelo."

"It is not! You think I don't see it in your eyes when you come back from taking the _Persephone _out? When you look at the sky?"

"It's--you don't understand!"

"What don't I understand? You love flying."

The words were easier to say when he was upset. "Not as much as I love you. What more do I have to do to prove that to you!? I said I'd stay, and in case you didn't notice, _I'm _not the one running away!"

"I don't want you to spend the rest of your life regretting being with me, Vaan."

What was he supposed to say? He felt like he was going in circles with Penelo; why didn't she understand that nothing in flying or sky pirating would be fulfilling if she wasn't there with him? What more could he _possibly _do to show her that he was in this for the long haul? That he wanted _her_ more than anything else?

He said the only thing that came to mind. "Marry me."

Penelo blinked several times. "What?" She seemed stupefied for a moment, and then gave a sound that sounded like a half-laugh, half-sob. "It's not just that easy! Maybe once...maybe once it would have been, but things have changed. You can't just ask me to marry you and think that will make everything better!"

"I'm not! I'm just…" Vaan sighed, his shoulders sagging. "I just want to be with you. I just want to _stay _with you. Just…just come home." _Don't leave me alone._

"It's hard," Penelo whispered. "I'm…I can't…"

Damn, she was crying again. All he ever did lately was make her cry.

"I can't…I'm not…I'm…" She wiped at her face. "How can you want to be with me?"

What kind of question was that? Because...for so many reasons. Because she was Penelo. Wasn't that enough?

"I'm…" Penelo took another step back from him, looking down at herself, not meeting his eyes again. "Damaged," she finally managed. "You don't deserve…why would you want…me?"

He finally thought he really understood, and then he couldn't quite believe it. She didn't feel like she was good enough for him. She thought that…what? That she was untouchable? Unlovable? Unworthy? The idea of _her _not being good enough for him was completely ridiculous. He was the one who didn't deserve her. He didn't know how to explain that to her, though; everything he thought of saying probably would have come out wrong. So he finally said, "Not to me," and held out his hand to her, his eyes begging her to take it, to just come with him.

She searched his eyes, and for a horrible moment, he was sure she was going to turn around and walk back onto the airship. Then something in her gaze shifted, and she let out a long breath. She reached out and grasped his hand, and he could have collapsed in relief. "Okay," she whispered. A small, trembling smile touched the corners of her mouth. "Okay."

As they walked out of the aerodome, he kept hold of her hand. She kept giving him little glances out of the corners of her eye, and finally asked, "Did you really mean it?"

He didn't know which part he was referring to, but he could honestly say, "I meant everything I said."

"About…marrying me?"

He stopped, and she halted beside him, looking at him nervously. It was kind of funny, actually. He had known people who had pulled themselves apart wondering if they should get married, if they were marrying the right person, if they should really take a step like _that._ But he and Penelo had been teased forever about eloping and honeymoons, and the idea didn't faze him at all. "Yeah."

She kept looking at him for a moment, and then started walking again, squeezing his hand briefly. Vaan realized that though she hadn't said she'd marry him, she hadn't said she wouldn't, either.

And she had agreed to stay with him. Right now, that was all he wanted.

Well, and maybe some food. All this running around had made him really hungry.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Thanks again to all you reviewers: you very much to my reviewers: eolhcsullivan452, Destatikai, Krabby Patties, Feeny, Reaper's Shadow, Aspexit, Zero Sakura Cross, and Ogden-DaleMcDingleBollock-Clan. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the feedback.**

**Sorry this chapter took a bit longer; knowing what the plot is and what you want to do with it is one thing. Trying to get the sequence correct, getting it to make sense, and having the characters cooperate with you is another matter entirely. Like the end of this chapter; it was not like I had originally imagined it would be and it took me by surprise. I wrote the end and stared at it, going WHAT?? Ah, well.**

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Chapter Fourteen

As Penelo walked back to Migelo's, hand in hand with Vaan, she kept looking at him out of the corner of her eye. He was an absolute mess, shirtless and covered in dirt and sweat. The look on his face when he had burst into the airship--she had not seen such fear and desperation in his eyes since Reks had died.

She had already been struggling with her resolve to leave the moment she stepped out of the apartment, so she wasn't surprised that Vaan chasing her down had broken any strength to leave that she had left. Especially when he told her he loved her. Even asking her to marry him--she knew that it was desperation on his part to convince her to stay, but he had said he meant it, and she believed him. She knew she wasn't quite ready for that--she knew Vaan probably wasn't, either--but it had finally really made her believe that he would do it because he _did _love her and he _did _want to be with her.

It was a little overwhelming, honestly, but there was no way he could have possibly pretended all that emotion. He had no reason to, anyway. Vaan loved her. Really, truly loved her, and even if she couldn't completely understand why, it was enough to know that he did.

When they reached Migelo's, they found him just opening the store. He stared at them as they came in, and then just shook his head. "I don't want to know."

They went up to the apartment, and Penelo set her bag by the door, standing uncertainly, her hand still clenched in Vaan's. Had it really only been one night since she had left? Already it was starting to seem rather dreamlike. Now what was she supposed to do? Just continue on like normal? After she had just…after everything that had just happened?

"Oh! I should send Ashe word that I found you," Vaan said suddenly.

"You went to see Ashe?" How long had he been looking for her? More importantly, how had he managed to get in to see Ashe without the token?

"Yeah. How do you think I ended up looking like this?" Vaan asked, waving a hand over his dirty chest.

Penelo looked at him and decided maybe she'd rather not know. "Maybe you should…um, take a shower and then get word to Ashe."

"Uh-uh." Vaan shook his head firmly. "I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"Vaan…" Penelo saw the desolation and felt horribly guilty about being the one who put it there. "I won't leave again."

"Promise?"

Penelo hesitated only a moment; if she said yes, that would be it, because she would not break her word. "I promise."

Vaan relaxed minutely and finally let go of her hand, which was now as dirty and sweaty as he was.

It was a strange kind of day; after Vaan showered and took the token to go tell Ashe that Penelo was safe at home, she took a shower of her own and curled up on the couch until Vaan returned with a large package in his arms. "Ashe says your dress is ready," he said, dumping it next to her. "She said whether or not you're going to the fete tomorrow, you should keep it because you never know when it might come in handy."

Vaan flopped down next to her as she slowly opened it to reveal a bundle of pale blue fabric. She pulled it out and held it up to examine it. The dress wasn't decked out in any gold or jewelry, but it was beautifully embroidered, and to Penelo's relief, it was very conservative. Maybe Ashe had been thinking specifically about that, because it didn't have a low neckline; Penelo rather thought that if she put it on, it wouldn't be revealing at all.

As she examined it further, a smile crept across her face. She quietly showed Vaan the little pockets cleverly hidden in the folds of the skirt. There were a few trinkets tucked into them--a warp mote, a remedy, some ether, even a little vial of elixir. It wasn't a dress as much as it was cleverly concealed battle armor, at least for a mage. Penelo knew weapons weren't allowed in at the fete, but the things in these pockets wouldn't be detected as weapons, and could wear it and no one would have any idea that anything was hidden in all the skirt folds. It must have cost Ashe a fortune to have this made in such a short amount of time. Even Vaan, who didn't care about clothing at all (unless it was valuable to sell), looked impressed.

_I'm definitely going to have to thank Ashe later. This is amazing. _Penelo stood, gathering up the dress and taking it into her room. She found that she was strangely not nearly as hesitant about trying it on as she had been her dancing clothes the day before

The dress perfectly, and she had been right: it was form-fitting but not revealing. She looked at herself in the mirror and almost didn't recognize herself. She looked…pretty. Slowly, she stepped back out into living room. "Well?" she asked Vaan, a little uncertainly. "How does it look?"

Vaan had spread himself across the couch, and he opened his eyes long enough to blink at her. "Um…like a dress?"

Penelo sighed inwardly. That was her Vaan. He could chase her down and confess that he was in love with her one moment, but have absolutely no clue how to properly compliment her the next. A lot of people tended to overlook the fact that he really was a thoughtful person, in his own way. Clueless sometimes, yes--gods knew he was generally oblivious when it came to magic and mist and some other matters. Still, she only had to look at the table the times Vaan brought home Galbana lilies as a reminder of his brother to know that some people missed a lot about Vaan.

He opened his eyes again and frowned at her appraisingly. "Hey, Penelo, you know what that dress would be good for?"

And sometimes he really was a sneaky, sky pirating idiot. "No, Vaan, we're not going to steal things at the fete and hide them in my clothing."

If Vaan looked disappointed, it was only for a moment, because then he asked, "So we're going to the fete?"

"I…it's why I decided to get a ticket for Archades instead of Bhujerba. I…yes. I still…I need to go. But you can't go like that."

"Like what?" Vaan asked blankly.

She nodded at his clothing. "Like _that._ You can't wear that to a royal party, Vaan."

Vaan stared down at his clothes and then groaned. "Please don't tell me this means shopping."

"Not right now. Just sometime before tomorrow night." She suddenly discovered how very tired she was; now that she was back at home, she realized she had been up all night, running on nothing but fear and the need to flee.

"Mm. Fine," Vaan mumbled from the couch, his eyes closed again.

Penelo watched him, swallowing a lump in her throat. She still did find it difficult to believe that he…that he really wanted to be with her, damaged and used as she was. What he had done…it had broken something inside of her, but maybe in a good way. She felt, for a moment, that she had seen herself through his eyes, and it hadn't seen something worthless and shameful.

Turning, she went back into her room to change out of the dress. She paused, looking at her clothes, and then slowly pulled her dancing outfit back out. Could she put it back on again?

Yes. She _would_ do it, regardless of how things had gone the last time she put it on. She had to keep taking these steps, and if she just threw her dancing clothes back in the drawer, wouldn't that be admitting defeat? Maybe not. But maybe yes, at least to herself. If she could get used to wearing this in her own apartment, around Vaan, then maybe…maybe she could eventually step outside with it on.

When she slipped into her loose pants and small top, she still felt bare and awkward, but she was a little surprised to find that she didn't feel ashamed like she had the day before. It was still there a bit, especially when she stepped out of her room and saw Vaan; then that horrible little voice in her head that whispered to her that she wasn't good enough, but she shook her head, trying to make it go away. _No. He loves me. He wants me to stay._

Taking a deep breath, Penelo bent over Vaan and poked his stomach. He grimaced and opened his eyes, and she nudged him with her hands. "Budge over."

He twisted onto his side and made a small space for her on the couch, and she stretched out next to him so they were lying face-to-face. The tension screamed in every muscle of her body, especially when Vaan snugly put his arm around her (mostly, she thought, to keep her from falling backwards off the couch), and shut his eyes. She wasn't sure if it was a bad tension or a good tension, or a combination of both. She forced herself to take slow, deep breaths, and her skin felt extraordinarily hot where it touched his. She concentrated on breathing and slowly relaxed. Her exhaustion hit her harder than an attacking steeling and she told herself she'd only take a quick nap, since she and Vaan still had work today. She gently touched Vaan's face and whispered, "Thank you."

He shifted and let out a snore in his sleep, and she giggled before surrendering to slumber herself.

:--:--:

"Hey, check this out, Penelo. I actually kind of like it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I could get used to this." Vaan tugged a little on the collared shirt he was wearing as they disembarked from the _Persephone_.

Penelo smiled a little at him. "Well, if you want more clothes, you're getting them on your own. It was bad enough listening to your moaning and complaining today." Her smile widened. "You do look rather dashing, though."

Vaan raised his eyebrows. "Dashing, hm?"

"Don't let it go to your big head." He _did _wear the clothes well, though; if she hadn't known what a thieving little sneak he could be, she could very well have mistaken him for aristocracy. "It's weird to see you in a shirt."

He made a face at her, and she took his arm, trying not to trip on her dress. She was incredibly nervous, given that they were about to walk into an Archadian palace for a huge fete, with no idea what they could possibly run into while they were there. She was wary and edgy; not only did she realize that her attackers could be there, but she still had no idea what they might have up their sleeves in the grand scheme of things. If something horrible went down at this party, she wanted to be prepared.

"You okay?" Vaan asked her quietly.

She must have looked really nervous, given how he was looking at her. Never mind that she was sweating and her hands felt shaky. Or maybe she was just holding onto Vaan's arm too tightly and that clued him into something being wrong. "No. But it's all right," Penelo said.

The air was cool and damp; it had been raining recently, and Penelo had to step over more than one puddle on the ground before they reached the palace and joined the queue of guests waiting to get through the gates.

Vaan stood very close to Penelo, one hand on her elbow, eyeing the Archadian nobles with distrust. "Just watch out for anyone missing fingers," he muttered to her.

She frowned at him, puzzled. "Why?"

He stared at her for a moment before his eyes widened. "You didn't know…" He looked away from her, and it was a long moment before he spoke in a low voice. "That night--you cut off some fingers, Penelo."

Penelo recalled with complete clarity the screams that had accompanied her swinging out with her dagger that night. She wasn't sure whether she should feel vindicated or just sickened by this. Even if she hadn't injured her rapist, it had still been someone partisan to it. She found herself nodding and saying, "I'll be careful."

Somehow, Vaan telling her that made all of her tension and anxiety so much worse. She couldn't understand how the people in line could possibly look so relaxed. She was constantly scanning the Archadian nobles around them, wondering if any of them had been there that night. If any of them were _him._ She wouldn't have a clue; she had only ever seen the back of his head while she was following him out of Migelo's that one time.

She tried not to instinctively press closer to Vaan, but the fear was threatening to wrap its clammy fingers around her neck and choke her, and it took every ounce of strength for her to beat it back. She was more than relieved when she and Vaan finally reached the gates and handed the guards their invitation. They were scanned for weapons using some sort of electronic device, and the only thing it detected was the bag of gil in Vaan's pocket. Soon enough, they passed through the palace doors and followed the crowd to a room so large it nearly took Penelo's breath away.

"Wow," Vaan said. "Larsa doesn't kid around when he throws a party, does he?"

The room was stuffed full of colorfully-dressed people; Archadians, Dalmascans, Rozarrians, and a smattering of others. Musicians filled one corner of the room, and tables laden with food stretched along the walls. Penelo had no doubt Vaan would soon be finding his way over to one of _those _tables.

She scanned for more familiar faces; Ashe and Larsa were not difficult to find. They were standing at the fore of the room, along with Al-Cid and other people she assumed to be part of the ruling family of Rozarria. They were guarded by several judges and numerous bodyguards. Other guards were stationed around the room, and they were the only ones allowed weapons.

Penelo tugged on Vaan's shirt and nodded in their direction. "Shall we say hello?"

Vaan shrugged. "I guess."

It took a while before they actually got up to the royals; there was a line of nobles greeting them, and Vaan and Penelo had to wait their turn. Once they were in front of them, the bodyguards stopped them from getting too close, at least until Ashe surprised Penelo by coming forward and hugging her right while Penelo was in the middle of a curtsy. "You look lovely, Penelo."

"Thank you," Penelo whispered. "For--for everything."

Ashe smiled briefly and greeted Vaan while Larsa stepped forward. He inclined his head at Penelo, and she saw the concern in his eyes. "Penelo. How are you faring?"

Seeing familiar faces helped, but she had to fight the urge to keep turning around; her back felt exposed to the hundreds of guests; what if one of them was staring at her, recognizing her, planning _something_…

She realized that Larsa was still waiting for an answer, his eyes growing more worried. The rest of his face was calm, unruffled--his Emperor face. "Penelo?"

The judge on his right shifted slightly, a bit closer to her, and she wondered if it was Basch behind that mask.

Penelo forced a smile. "I'm fine."

Larsa did not look convinced, but he was too polite to argue with her, especially here. "Perhaps we can speak later."

"All right."

Vaan and Penelo stepped aside to allow the next guest to greet the rulers, and Vaan said, "C'mon. Let's get some food."

_Surprise, surprise._

She followed Vaan over to the table, and even though he was interested in eating, she noticed that his own tension and alertness didn't fade as they crossed the room. He stayed close to her side, his eyes constantly scanning the numerous guests.

Penelo wasn't sure what she was expecting. Something to explode, monsters to suddenly erupt from the doorways and attack…maybe it hadn't been such a good idea to come. What if she made things worse by being here?

_Stop it. That doesn't even make sense._

A short while later, Ashe's voice suddenly came over a speaker, and Penelo realized that she was about to make a speech. Everyone in the room stopped to listen as Ashe spoke of peace and unity, and the roles all the countries played in it. After she was finished, Larsa spoke, and then one of the Rozarrian royals had their turn. Penelo vaguely wondered if there had been arguments between Archadia and Rozarria about which ruler got to talk first.

Once the speeches were finished, Ashe opened the dancing, first with the ruler or Rozarria (maybe Al-Cid's father or uncle or something, as he looked fairly old) and then with Larsa. After that, the floor was flooded with dancing couples, and Penelo pressed herself to a free wall, not wanting to participate in the dancing at all. Once upon a time, she would have wanted to do nothing but dance, but it had been difficult enough dancing in her own living room, with Vaan. She did _not _want strangers' hands all over her, so she stayed with Vaan by the wall, where he gave dark looks to anyone who even looked like they might approach her to ask for a dance.

At least, she stayed there until Larsa approached, the judge that Penelo thought might be Basch at his side. When the judge nodded deeply at her, she was sure it was Basch, and she smiled at his mask.

"Penelo," Larsa said, extending his hand toward her. "Might I have the honor of a dance?"

She couldn't exactly refuse to dance with the Emperor, and besides, she in no way felt threatened by Larsa. He was thirteen, and still shorter than she was. She glanced at Vaan, who was frowning, and then nodded graciously at Larsa. "It would be my pleasure."

Things were fine for that dance; Larsa was polite and made small talk, but didn't press her for anything deeper. She wasn't sure if he knew at all the extent of what had happened to her, or if he only knew she had been attacked, supposedly by his nobles. Either way, knowing Larsa, he surely felt responsible for her.

After the first dance was over, before she could retreat to the safety of the wall where Vaan was watching her carefully, the musicians switched to an upbeat Dalmascan song. She knew the steps to it, and unfortunately, also knew that particular dance was one that required a lot of switching partners. Before she could so much as turn around, she found herself suddenly separated from Larsa, her hand in that of another man, and then she was passed onto someone else. The panic was starting to rise up in her chest; there were people everywhere, and she could not stop moving or she would send half a dozen nobles tripping all over the floor.

_Keep calm, _she ordered herself. She could use the movements of the dance to get herself to the edge of the room, and then she would be free of this mass of bodies. She did just that, until at last she came out on the opposite side of the room from where she had started. She could see Vaan across the huge space, working his way hurriedly around the ballroom to get to her.

Letting out a deep breath, Penelo moved to sit in one of the chairs positioned on the fringes of the room. Her hands were shaking again, and she clenched them into fists. When she had a grip on herself, she stood, heading for the nearest table so she could get something to drink, hoping maybe doing something would make her feel less stifled and suffocated.

She apparently wasn't as calm as she had thought, because she stumbled a little on her way to the table. She was walking past two Rozarrian nobles who were talking quietly when it happened, and she tripped right into one of them. He grabbed her arm reflexively, steadying her.

"I'm so sorry!" Penelo exclaimed, finding her footing. Something about the steadying hand on her arm felt strange, and when she straightened, she caught a glimpse of emotion on both men's faces. Surprise, a strange flicker, a widening of the eyes.

The man holding her arm dropped it like she had burned him, and spoke in the heavy accent of Rozarria. "It's quite all right."

Penelo moved carefully around them, and took a step toward the table before she again stopped, slowly, dazedly. Her fingers went to touch the spot on her arm where the man had steadied her, and she turned and stared at his gloved hands, noticing the way a couple of the fingers were flat and sort of bent funny. Sort of like they were empty of any actual fingers.

The two Rozarrians were still watching her, and the second one spoke. "Can we help you?"

Penelo stood completely still, the world spinning dizzily around her. She heard his voice, heard the accent, but it was wrong. Not the accent; it sounded perfectly Rozarrian, but it shouldn't sound Rozarrian. The last time she had heard it, it had been perfectly Archadian. Still, there was no mistaking the pitch and cadence of that voice, no matter what accent…

She vaguely thought that he looked younger than she had imagined, and that there was something wrong about something so malicious being hidden behind a handsome face. These were passing thoughts, though. She heard herself speaking, but wasn't quite sure why her mouth was moving. She shouldn't be standing there. She should be walking quickly away, getting Vaan, getting Ashe, getting _someone_, but her voice betrayed her. "_You_." Her fingers were reaching for daggers that weren't on her, and she quickly switched tactics and tried to cast stop on the one whose voice was dragging up horrible memories.

It did nothing to him; he must have been wearing a power armlet, and he took a step toward her, his eyes dark. "That was foolish," he said quietly, still with the Rozarrian accent. He had a _gun_ in his hand; she got just a glimpse of it before he pulled it into his wide sleeve, so that no one else would see it. Penelo was wavering between fear, panic, and overwhelming fury. She had no idea how he had gotten a weapon inside, but it was pointed at _her,_ and she didn't dare take her eyes off of him to see how close Vaan was. What if Vaan reached her and this lunatic _shot _him because he didn't realize there was a gun?

The gunman nodded at the man with missing fingers, who immediately turned and started walking away.

"I think we need to have a talk," the man with the gun, the man that Penelo was absolutely certain was her rapist, said evenly. "Come along." He grabbed her arm and jammed the gun into her side, motioning her to a nearby door. There was a guard there, but the gun was still hidden in the man's sleeve, and she knew they could walk right past him without him noticing anything.

Maybe he thought that having a gun on her would somehow give him control. In some ways, it did, but Penelo was not helpless this time. She was not blind, nor silenced. She was surrounded by people, and she only had _one _person threatening her at that moment. Guns, she knew how to handle. She didn't know how many times Fran had showed her how to get one away from someone who was threatening you, as long as you could get close enough without getting shot. Balthier had never been too happy about being the target practice for this disarming. Penelo swore to herself that if this worked, she would thank Balthier for every moment he had let her practice on him.

She didn't even stop to think about what she was doing, and later, she could not have told Fran exactly which method she had used to get the gun away from the man; all she knew was that about five seconds later, she had the weapon and was pointing it straight at his face.

Her hands were trembling, this time, not with fear, but with rage. It would be so easy to just pull the trigger, to rid herself of the man that haunted her nightmares. So easy…

Someone nearby screamed, someone else shouted about a gun, and in her peripheral vision, Penelo saw guards rushing toward her, but all of her focus was on the man in front of her. It wasn't until she heard Vaan's voice calling her name that she realized the weapons from the guards were pointed at her. One of the guards was forcibly holding Vaan back. The rest were yelling at her, telling her to put down the gun, and still she did not move.

"Stop!" The familiar voice, muffled slightly by the judge's mask, came from Basch, hurrying through the dancers, who were all stopping to see what the commotion was. "Lower your weapons!"

"Sir!" one of the guards protested.

"Do it." This was from Ashe, who was also approaching, though surrounded by her protectors. "She is with me."

Penelo vaguely realized that the music had stopped playing; the commotion had obviously spread. The guards slowly lowered their weapons, though the one holding Vaan's arms behind his back didn't release him.

Penelo stepped forward so the gun was pressed right between the man's eyes. He looked so normal. So noble. It was funny how deceiving appearances could be. "I could kill you right now," she whispered, so only he could hear. "No one would question me."

"Go ahead, then." He was still looking at her with such dark anger, but there was resolution in his eyes, too.

If she killed him, it would be for revenge. Because he had taken something from her, and now she could take his very life from him. How could she do that? How could she become that? She had killed before, out of necessity, and the faces of the dead still haunted her sometimes. It was why she had become a White Mage, why she had always tried to do the healing and protecting. She could not be a murderer, especially not when keeping him alive might protect more people. If he was dead, no one could question him about what he was doing there or who his accomplices were…

His accomplices…

Penelo's hands finally steadied, and she took a step backward before slowly lowering the gun. It was as if the room as a whole breathed a collective sigh. "This is him, Ashe," she said. "There are others. One other was here…I don't know where he went…I…don't…" Her legs gave out, and Basch caught her just before she hit the ground.

Ashe didn't ask any questions, did not hesitate. She simply ordered, "Arrest this man and take him for questioning."

The guards moved to grab him, but released Vaan first, which might have been a mistake, because he threw himself forward, grabbed the gun from Penelo's slack grip, and fired it at the man before anyone could so much as blink.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed: eolhcsullivan452, Feeny, Reaper's Shadow, Ogden-DaleMcDingleBollock-Clan, Aspexit, Destatikai, Gabby the Great, Zero Sakura Cross, Krabby Patties, lucin, and Nikki09. (And lucin, you were my very first reviewer; I'm flattered that you're still reading.)**

**Big thanks to Gabby the Great, for pointing out something that I didn't answer earlier (though I knew the answer, I hadn't really thought to write it). It actually worked out really well to include it in this chapter.**

**Also thanks to my husband, for listening to me ramble as I wrote diagrams in my notebook, explaining plots and connections, and for his objective input (since he has not played FFXII), which finally let me organize this chapter into some semblance of structure.**

**Sorry this took so long. I was on vacation when I wrote the last chapter (my husband thought I was nuts--"you're working on vacation?" to which I'm going, **_**I can't just stop my muse!**_**--so I figured it was all right to take a break. ;) Hopefully this chapter makes sense; it's the 'explanation, blah, blah, blah' chapter. Whee.**

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Chapter Fifteen

Vaan knew, even as he was struggling to get away from the guards, that Penelo would not shoot the man in front of her. _Him--_the tone of voice when she had told Ashe it was _him _left no doubt in Vaan's mind that this was Penelo's rapist. Fierce, fierce hatred rose up in him and he fought harder to get to Penelo, to do something to this man who had caused her so much suffering. He finally had a face to put with the deed, and it only served to enrage him further as it fueled his imagination that _this man _had touched Penelo, had done more than just touch her--

Part of him wished that Penelo could just shoot the bastard and have done with it, but at the same time, death seemed too easy. He shouldn't just get to die; he should have to answer for what he had done. The rational part of his mind told him there were still unanswered questions, still others involved.

Maybe if Penelo just shot him somewhere that would be non-fatal…but instead she lowered her gun. Everyone was so focused on her that they didn't see what else was happening. The moment Penelo collapsed and Ashe ordered the man's arrest, Vaan saw the rapist reaching into his shirt, and the instant the guards released Vaan, he grabbed the gun from Penelo's hand. He had only a split-second to aim and fire.

The bullet hit the guy's arm, and sent his second gun, which he had just managed to get out of his shirt, skidding across the floor. Vaan then tackled the man, landing punches on his face. He told himself it was to keep him down, to keep him from grabbing any other weapons, but knew it wasn't entirely true. Every blow he landed was for all the bruises the man had given Penelo, for all the tears she had shed, for every nightmare, every fear. It took a minute for the guards to pry Vaan off of the guy, and once they did, Vaan stopped struggling. They took the gun from his hand--he hadn't even realized he had still been holding it, and now he saw that it was bloody; he must have hit it against the guy's face.

The Rozarrian man was a mess, bloodied from his arm, his nose--which was broken--and from several other wounds on his bruised and swelling face. A lot of people were talking; Vaan finally processed that one of the guards had found the second gun and they were starting to realize that he had shot the guy because of that weapon. There was utter chaos; a lot of the guests were panicking and trying to get out of the room.

Vaan looked at Penelo, who was dragging herself to her feet, white and wide-eyed, holding onto Basch's arm for support. Larsa had reached them and was talking hurriedly to Basch. Ashe had been yanked to the floor by bodyguards as soon as the gun was fired, and now she was standing, quickly gesturing to the man being arrested. Al-Cid and the older Rozarrian leader were pushing through the panicked crows with their own bodyguards, coming to see what was happening.

It happened in an instant. Larsa turned toward Ashe at the exact moment that another gunshot resonated through the room. Vaan dropped instinctively, throwing himself into Penelo, knocking her to the floor and falling on top of her. He had no idea who had fired yet another gun or where it had come from, but the target was obvious the moment that Larsa made a strange, gasping noise and looked down at his white shirt. Red blood was seeping out of a hole in the side of his chest and soaking quickly into the material.

Basch threw himself in front of Larsa, who dropped to his knees; Ashe was again pulled to the floor; the Rozarrian leaders were covered by their bodyguards. "There!" one of Ashe's bodyguards yelled, and Vaan looked over to see several guards cornering another man with a gun.

"We must leave now. There may be others!" Basch called over the noise. He picked up Larsa, running toward a side door. Somehow, Vaan found that he and Penelo were being dragged along with Ashe as the bodyguards removed her from the ballroom. He heard more gunshots, screams and shouts, but it all faded as they were hurrying away from the ballroom.

Before he knew it, they were boarding an airship with Ashe, Basch--who was still carrying Larsa--and their bodyguards. As soon as they were inside, Basch set Larsa down, and Penelo dropped to her knees beside him, examining his chest. Larsa was so pale his skin looked almost green.

"It's okay. I can fix this. Just…just sit still," Penelo said, reaching into one of the pockets of her dress and emerging with a bottle of elixir. She pulled the stopper out and dumped it into Larsa's mouth. As he swallowed, his face relaxed, and he breathed a long sigh. Vaan looked at his wound to see it healing. Though that should have taken care of it, Vaan watched Penelo cast several Curaga spells, "just to make sure," he heard her whisper.

It was only then that Vaan managed to find his voice to ask, "Where are we?"

"On my decoy airship," Ashe said.

"Your decoy airship?" Vaan echoed.

"In the event something unfortunate happened, we did not wish to risk boarding an airship that may have been sabotaged," Ashe explained. "Therefore, we prepared an extra airship."

"You were planning on this happening?"

"We did not know what might happen. Better to be prepared."

Yeah…but Vaan still didn't have a clue what had really just happened or why. Maybe by the end of the night, he would have some answers.

:--:--:

They ended up at a small estate in the Archadian countryside, which turned out to be one of Larsa's properties. There were even servants there, likely, Vaan decided, to maintain the place. Al-Cid and the others in the Rozarrian royal family were nowhere to be seen, and Basch explained that they would be going wherever they deemed safe. Until they could figure out what was going on, it was perhaps best that they remain separated.

"Emperor Brudh would not have caused this," Ashe said with certainty. She turned to Vaan and Penelo. "Might you explain what happened?"

Vaan listened as Penelo explained about the fingerless man and recognizing the voice of the other one, and then Vaan explained his side of things. The group debated for a few minutes over what could have happened, talked about whether the men were truly Rozarrian or Archadian, since they had definitely dressed and spoken as Rozarrians at the party, but Penelo said they had spoken as Archadians before. No one doubted her word.

"Migelo said the one man was Archadian, too," Vaan pointed out. "When he came into the shop that time. He couldn't really describe him, except that he was Archadian."

Penelo shook her head. "You know how Migelo is with humes, Vaan. He mostly goes by accents to determine where they're from."

"Anyone caught will be arrested and taken for questioning," Basch said. "It is obvious that they attempted to assassinate the Emperor." He looked at Larsa. "Had you not moved the instant you did, they would have succeeded."

"A fact of which I am well aware," Larsa said heavily, glancing at the hole in his bloody shirt. He faced Penelo. "I did not get a chance to thank you for healing me."

Penelo shook her head. "It's nothing."

"On the contrary." Larsa looked at her silently for a moment, and then turned to Ashe. "We have much to discuss. We know not whether those responsible are still captive or whether they somehow escaped."

"They also do not know whether or not you are dead," Ashe pointed out. "If that was their objective, it might be best that they do not know you are alive."

_Says the voice of experience, _Vaan thought.

Larsa turned to Vaan and Penelo. "I would ask that you remain here at the estate for the time being. You will be safe, and I promise that as soon as we know anything, we will tell you."

Vaan wanted to protest that he didn't just want to sit by and wait for answers; he wanted to be out there helping _get _the answers, but before he could speak, Penelo slipped her fingers into his and squeezed tightly. A quick look at her was enough to worry him into silence; her eyes were glassy and she looked at him with a sort of panic in her eyes. He realized then that as desperately as he wanted to hear answers, he couldn't leave her alone no matter what Ashe and Larsa decided to do. She had just faced down the man who had caused her so much pain; who knew what was going through her head right now? His mouth closed, and he nodded at her in silent understanding. Her grip on his hand relaxed slightly.

He let himself be shuffled off with Penelo while the others stayed behind to plan. Larsa's servants showed Vaan and Penelo to two rooms. Vaan ignored his door and simply followed Penelo into her room, mostly because her hand was still firmly latched to his.

Once inside the room, she just stood uncertainly, and despite her fancy dress, she seemed woefully out of place amidst the rich decorations. Vaan's mind was still on the situation, and it wasn't until Penelo released her death-grip on him and walked dazedly to the bed, sitting down on it, that he made himself put the situation out of his mind and focus on only her. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know," she said, clasping her hands on her lap. "It all seems--I don't know. Everything happened so fast, didn't it?"

"Yeah." He stepped over and sat down next to her, flopping back onto the absurdly soft bed and staring at the ceiling, noting vaguely that it was designed with painted murals, and habitually calculating how much just the ceiling of this one bedroom might have cost.

There was another long silence, and then Penelo lay down next to him. "Do you think they really caught him, or do you think he escaped?"

"I don't know. Even if he did, he can't run forever. Maybe we ruined whatever plans they had. Maybe _you_ did, just because you recognized his voice."

"Maybe," Penelo whispered. She rolled onto her side, facing him, and curled against him. He slowly put an arm around her, and she took a deep breath, putting her own arms around him in return. "You punched him pretty badly."

"Yeah."

"I'm glad."

"Me, too." _Wish I could have done more._

Neither one of them slept. Vaan had no idea how much time went by; they remained there on the bed, holding each other, both exhausted but neither able to sleep. Even talking seemed a stretch; Penelo did not seem to want to speak. Vaan's mind spun crazily, wondering what was happening, wondering what Ashe, Basch, and Larsa were doing. He wanted to do something--pace, sneak out a window and see if he could get in somewhere else, maybe eavesdrop--but anytime he so much as shifted on the bed, Penelo's arms tightened around him, as though afraid he would leave.

The sky was lightening with the sunrise when someone knocked on the bedroom door, making both of them jump. Penelo sat up on the bed, her dress wrinkled and her hair half pinned up, half spilling around her face, while Vaan jumped up and ran for the door.

Ashe was standing on the other side. "Vaan, Penelo. I believe we may have some answers." She stepped into the room and helped herself to a chair. She sat, perfectly straight, her hands clasped in her lap, and looked at the two of them for a long moment.

Vaan sat down next to Penelo, waiting impatiently for Ashe to speak.

"The guards at the party caught three men tonight, though the evening was not without casualties. Several people died, including the third shooter. The other two men--the one that you caught, Penelo, and also the one lacking fingers--were arrested and questioned."

"You actually got them to talk?" Vaan asked dubiously.

"One of them," Ashe agreed. "Though he was not entirely aware he was speaking to us. You might be quite surprised to find what you can do with a confusion spell and certain drugs, particularly when those you are questioning believe their objective succeeded."

"To kill Larsa," Penelo said softly.

"Yes. They believe he is dead."

"So…so…" Penelo swallowed. "What--did they say why--?"

Ashe searched her face, her own expression grave. "Yes. The attack on you was explained."

Penelo folded her arms around herself, and her voice was small when she asked, "Why?"

"They did it to cause as much confusion in Archades, and in particular, with Larsa, as possible."

Vaan's eyes narrowed. "What does that have anything to do with it?"

"Everything was a set-up," Ashe said slowly, her eyes not moving away from Penelo's. "They knew who you were; they knew of your connection to me, and your importance to Larsa. They _are _Rozarrian, and from what we can so far determine, there are only a few of them involved. Perhaps four, maybe a few more."

"There were four men there…that night," Penelo said, her voice strained.

"Yes." Ashe paused for a moment, and then continued, "They targeted both of you. They learned that you were in Kierth and they paid that Seeq of yours to hire _you _to deliver that parchment to Archades."

"Why?" Vaan said, shaking his head. None of this made any sense.

"I'm explaining that, Vaan," Ashe said pointedly. "They hired the Seeq and then they hired an actual Archadian woman to meet with you and deliver the package. As you well know, while Vaan was picking up the package, they attacked Penelo. Whether or not they intended to go as far as they did with her was not thoroughly explained. We know that they wanted to hurt her, and made sure to tell her that they wanted the package back."

"The package that they had made sure Vaan got," Penelo said dully.

"They truly did not want it back," Ashe said. "They put together a document full of Old Archadian, but it was utter nonsense. They wanted to waste our time and our resources. They knew that one way or another, if you wanted that parchment translated, you would likely come to me or to Larsa. They believed that we would learn of what had happened to Penelo, and we would put our resources into finding out who was responsible. They spoke with Archadian accents so that Penelo would _believe _they were Archadian, and so that Larsa would waste his time suspecting his own nobles. That is also why one of them visited Migelo in Rabanastre. They thought that whether or not you were there, Migelo would get word to you that an Archadian lord had been searching for you. It was to solidify the believability that they truly were Archadian. They also started rumors around Archades that there was a noble uprising that wanted to get Larsa out of the way."

"But…why? Why go to all this trouble?" Vaan asked.

"So that they could get into the fete tonight, assassinate Larsa--they wanted to do it without getting caught--so that everyone would suspect that Archadian nobles had done it. Had they succeeded, there would have been uprisings in Archadia, nobles blaming each other, no trust among them. It could have taken months to sort it all out."

"Why did they kill that lord in Archades? Lord Durshcen?" Vaan asked. "Why did they tell us to give him the parchment?"

"They killed him because he was one contender for the throne, should something happen to Larsa," Ashe explained. "They killed him because he desired peace between Archadia and Rozarria."

"You mean--they _wanted _a ruler who _didn't _want peace?" Vaan asked in disbelief.

"It is not difficult to believe, Vaan. You have not sat in nearly as many political meetings as have I," Ashe said tiredly. "As I have explained before, there are many who are unhappy with the peace between Rozarria and Archadia, simply because there are those that hate the other so much. Killing Lord Durshcen only added suspicion to the Archadian nobles. Everything they did was toward that end."

"So…" Penelo's voice was deathly soft. "They only attacked me because it added _believability _to what they were trying to do?"

"It set their stage. One voice, one person--the power you hold among the rulers of Ivalice is great, Penelo."

Penelo turned her face away, and Vaan wondered if she was crying. Her voice, however, was steady when she questioned, "How did they get guns inside the fete?"

"One of them came to Archades a few weeks ago with the Rozarrian delegation--not as a noble, but as a servant to one of the nobles. While there, he hid several guns in places that they were not found when security sweeps were done. We are still working on getting more information; everything we managed to get from the one man was sporadic and took some time to piece together. There is still at least one fugitive at large. I spoke with Balthier and Fran a short while ago, and they are doing some hunting of their own, now that we have a better grasp on the situation. We are discussing when to let everyone know that Larsa is not truly dead. It could be that we are still missing information, and that perhaps one of the Archadian nobles is involved in some way. We cannot assume that everything told to us was the truth, although I admit I believe it is. Had you not recognized the men at the fete for who they were, Penelo…" Ashe trailed off and shook her head. "I loathe to know what would have happened."

"They still tried to kill Larsa," Vaan pointed out.

"Yes. We believe that once Penelo recognized them, they decided to complete their plan anyway. Had they truly succeeded in killing Larsa, there goal of shattering peace might have still been realized. While they wanted to place blame on the Archadians, placing blame on their own empire would have worked, as well. It would have given the new emperor of Archadia grounds to oppose the treaty between the empires."

There was a long, heavy silence, and then Ashe stood. "I still have much to do. I will speak with you again later." She nodded at them both and let herself out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Vaan turned to Penelo, whose face was still averted. "Penelo?"

There was a sniff, and she whispered, "They caught him. Really caught him."

"Yeah."

Penelo suddenly twisted and flung her arms around his neck, then burst into tears. It wasn't entirely unexpected, and Vaan simply held her close, knowing that maybe this once, they were good tears. Maybe it wasn't quite over yet, but her rapist, at least, had been arrested. Right now, any other worries could wait.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Millions of thanks go out to my reviewers: eolhcsullivan452, Ogden-whose-name-changed-and-is-very-long-anyway-King (King Ogden? King Primal. Daemon Ogden King?), Feeny, Aspexit, Destatikai, Reaper's Shadow, Tishannia, and Zero Sakura Cross.**

**I'm sorry this took so long. My life has been insane lately, and I've been distracted watching a lot of Avatar episodes because they're addicting and they make me laugh, and I needed that. This week someone kicked in the back door to my house while we were gone and let themselves in for a little shopping (my five-year-old said, "Mommy, I think those bad men thought our house was a Wal-Mart!"), and then my younger sister ended up in the hospital, so it's been a long, stressful, emotional week and I needed to laugh. Thanks to those of you who talked to me while it was all going on. It helped more than you know.**

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Chapter Sixteen

_Knock, knock, knock_.

Penelo's eyes snapped open and she tensed, more out of habit than anything. It took her a minute to remember where she was: on the bed at Larsa's safe house. She was scrunched up next to Vaan, whose upper body was on the bed, but whose legs were dangling off the side of it. They were both still dressed in their party clothes, and as Penelo pulled herself to her feet, she caught sight of herself in a mirror on the wall. She grimaced at her reflection; her hair stood out every which way and her dress was a wrinkled disaster. Running a hand uselessly over the dress, she walked to the door just as another round of knocking sounded. Vaan, of course, slept through it.

"Who's there?" Penelo called softly.

"Ashe."

Penelo opened the door to find Ashe standing just outside. Even she looked tired, though her clothes, predictably, were smooth and unwrinkled. Penelo absently ran her hand through her hair, snagged her fingers on horrible tangles, and gave up with a sigh.

Ashe's brow furrowed slightly as she took in Penelo's appearance. "Did I wake you?"

Penelo shrugged. "It's okay. Um…do you want to come in?"

Vaan mumbled something in his sleep and Ashe glanced over toward the bed. "That's all right. I still have business to attend to, but I wanted to let you know that Fran and Balthier tracked down our fourth suspect. He has been arrested. We will continue to question both him and the others, until we are certain no one else is involved."

_Caught…all four of them are dead or arrested..._ Penelo closed her eyes for a long moment, and then opened them. "What about Larsa?"

"Everyone stilll believes him to be dead," Ashe said. "Which is causing all manner of trouble back in Archades. As soon as we're certain this is the extent of this conspiracy--as certain as we can be--he shall return to being alive."

"Thank you." Penelo flung her arms around Ashe before the other woman could move. "For everything, Ashe. Thank you."

Ashe was stiff for a moment, but then she relaxed and patted Penelo's back briefly before pulling away, a faint smile on her face. "I will come by again later. Should you wish to have lunch, speak with one of the servants."

"Lunch?"

"It's past midday," Ashe said. She nodded at Penelo and turned to walk away.

Once she was gone, Penelo softly closed the door. She went and sat down on the bed next to Vaan, looking down at him. His clothes were as wrinkled as hers, but he somehow managed to look dashing anyway. More dashing, in his own way, than Balthier ever looked in one of these shirts.

Her hand brushed over his hair, and he mumbled something in his sleep. She thought she might have caught her name, and a small smile flitted across her face. "It's over, Vaan," she said quietly.

This part of it was over, at least, but it would still take her some time. Letting go was a hard thing. Being at peace…would she ever really be completely at peace again? Or would she always have a tendency to jump at shadows? To be fair, it had only been just over a month since she was attacked, and she probably couldn't answer that question until more time had passed.

She thought she might be a little more at peace now that those responsible had been caught. Now that she had some answers. And in some ways, she was, but there was still the lingering voice in her head that asked, _yes, but what if it happens again? What if it happens in some other way for some other reason?_

What if, what if, what if…this little voice had been running through her mind for weeks now. She had hoped that finding them, finding _him, _would have silenced it. She had hoped that resolution would erase the remainder of her fears and doubts, and while part of her was relieved and elated that he in custody and that those in cahoots with him were exposed, the rest of her just felt numb. Hollow.

What Ashe had told her about the influence she had on the rulers of Rabanastre sat heavily on her mind. The answers she had gotten hadn't been at all what she had expected. She really hadn't known _what _she had expected, but the whole thing being a setup to kill Larsa and frame the Archadians for it…it was just scary. Scary to think that some men had sat around thinking, 'hm, how can we do this? Oh, wait!' Scary to think that she had that sort of power.

She had always known that it was an oddity, her relationship with Ashe and Larsa, her connections with Rozarria. How many street orphans could claim such friendships? Only her and Vaan. They must have been the easiest targets, the most accessible way toward shattering the fragile peace. It could happen again if she wasn't careful. She had learned her lesson once; she never wanted to have to learn it again. Yet she knew, despite all her preparations and all her caution, that she could not always prevent evil from happening. She would go crazy if she dwelt on every possible way this could happen to her again. She had to keep going on with her life, as she had been doing.

"Fran and Balthier caught the last man. Once they're sure they were the only ones involved, Larsa can go back to ruling Archadia and we--we can go home." She was quiet for a long moment, tasting the word in her mouth, rolling the concept through her mind. "Home. You know what's funny? I've always thought of Rabanastre as home. Migelo's has felt like the safest place lately, even though I haven't really felt entirely safe, even there. More and more I realize, though, that home isn't any one city, or whatever airship you have that hasn't been destroyed or reclaimed. It's just wherever you are." She paused and made a face. "That sounded really sappy, didn't it? I'm just saying…I don't know what I'm saying. I don't know what to do next. The idea of flying terrified me so much because I thought that's why--that's why this happened to me, but that's not true anymore. This happened because of who I know, not where I live. What am I supposed to do? Disown Ashe and Larsa? I don't think so. So now what, Vaan? You've made so many sacrifices for me the past while--more than I had ever thought...more than I deserved."

Penelo let out a deep breath and continued to watch Vaan's closed eyes. "I love you so much." Her voice came out a little thick and she swallowed. "I want you to find happiness, too. I want to make you happy. I want to just be with you. Always. Part of me--I'll admit it; part of me still just wants to run away. I'm not all the way better yet. I'm getting there. I wish I could tell you that I'd take you up on your proposal in a heartbeat, but I'm still not ready for that. I'm not ready for--for everything that comes with it. I wish I was. Part of me still wants that with you _right now_, but I know…I know I'm not ready. I know that I want to be ready so that when we do finally--" She could feel her cheeks burning, though she didn't know why. It wasn't like she hadn't heard every possible raunchy comment about sex over the years, and Vaan wasn't even listening! "So that it's just you and me and not my pain. Not my baggage. Not something to make me better. Not--" She struggled to put it to words, and finally just sighed. "When I'm ready, I promise I'll marry you. I'll be with only you. I might not have gotten to make that choice when--" Her breath hitched in her throat. "I…never made that choice."

That was what it came down to, this idea she had been wrestling with this whole time--that she was to blame. She had been so desperate for forgiveness, but from whom? Vaan? Herself? The world? She remembered, as if it was a dream, pleading for Vaan's understanding the night it happened, when she told him that she had fought. It didn't matter how much her mind told her it wasn't her fault. There was still a part that whispered there should have been something she could have done. Anything.

"Even though there was nothing," she whispered. "My choice was always only you. It will always be you. I don't know how long it will take me, and I don't know if you'll want to wait for me--"

"Don't be stupid, Penelo." Vaan spoke so suddenly, his eyes opening so quickly, that Penelo gasped in surprise and pressed her hands to her chest.

"Vaan? You're _awake_!? What did you--how long have you--"

"Ah, I woke up when you sat down on the bed," Vaan said, sitting up and stretching.

"You heard everything I said? Why didn't you tell me you were awake!?"

"Well, you were talking, and you're usually not happy when I interrupt."

Her only answer was to glare at him.

His eyes sparkled at her. "You're blushing."

"I am not," she protested, even though she could feel that her face was on fire.

"Are, too. You're redder than a rogue tomato and a Galbana lily put together."

"Vaan," Penelo said warningly.

Vaan grinned and flopped back on the bed. "Your hair's sticking up everywhere, too. Looks like Filo's did the time Kytes accidentally hit her with a Thunder spell."

She was tempted to slap the smirk off his face, and might have done just that had he not taken her hand and tugged her down next to him, saying, "So you'll marry me, hm?"

Penelo pulled her hand from his, still glowering at him and remaining stiff beside him. "I'm considering taking that back now. Apparently I look like a rogue tomato that's been electrocuted."

"That's not what I meant!" Vaan propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at her, but all it did was give him a full view of her glare.

"Then tell me, Vaan, what _did _you mean?"

"It's just that you're--you know--I mean…" He heaved a sigh. "It's like with that dress. With it, without it--"

"_Without _it?"

"In your _normal clothes!_" Vaan exclaimed. "I'm just trying to tell you that you're pretty, okay?"

Penelo stared at him in bewilderment. "By telling me I'm red and my hair is messy?" Maybe she shouldn't ask; this was Vaan logic, after all.

"Yes--um, no! Maybe?" His forehead creased in a frown. He threw up the hand that wasn't propping him up. "I mean…" He stopped and shook his head. "I think you're beautiful no matter what you're wearing."

Penelo's heart flipped, and a warm glow spread through her. She bit down on a smile and smacked Vaan's shoulder. "Was that so hard to say?"

"Yes!"

Penelo rolled over into him, allowing him to wrap both his arms around her. "I don't understand you sometimes, Vaan."

"You love me anyway."

"Yes, I do, gods help me."

Vaan's eyes narrowed. "Now who's--"

Penelo covered his mouth with hers before he could argue. He blinked at her in surprise, but then responded. It was completely different from the last time she had kissed him--there was no frantic, desperate need. It was gentle and soothing, almost like a tentative searching for an answer, and when Penelo finally pulled away, Vaan frowned at her. "You okay? You're shaking."

She was, she realized, but for once, not out of fear or anger or some combination of the two. She was relaxed and she loved Vaan so very, very much. "I'm fine," she whispered. "I'm learning to let go. And I've been thinking…" She met his eyes briefly. "I might…" She frowned, chewing on the words. "I might be ready to fly again."

"No," Vaan said sharply.

"What do you mean, no?"

"I told you I would stop flying. Stop sky pirating. I'm not going to do that to you. I'm not going to put you in danger anymore."

"Vaan, didn't you just listen to anything I said while you were pretending to be asleep? Flying isn't what caused this. They would have found a way to get to us in Rabanastre."

"Sky pirating is still really dangerous, Penelo."

"Vaan, I've been telling you you're reckless for years. But I've learned a lot that trouble can come whether it's through recklessness or just circumstance. I'm not saying I want to jump on the _Persephone _and go treasure hunting right this instant. I don't even think we have to treasure hunt; I think there's a lot of good we could do in the skies. I'm not saying we should rush into it, or that we shouldn't be _careful_. I just know…I know that you'll be miserable spending the rest of your life working for Migelo."

"You won't be, though."

"But I won't be happy without you, or if you're miserable. Let's…let's give it some time, okay? Talk about it later, when all of this isn't still so fresh. It's been a long night. I know I'm still processing everything."

Vaan searched her eyes, and the nodded. "Yeah. We'll talk about it later."

Penelo pressed her face into Vaan's chest, only to hear the telltale sign of his stomach rumbling. She giggled. "Maybe we should get some lunch."

"Lunch!? What happened to breakfast?"

"We slept through it."

"Maybe we can get breakfast _and _lunch together," Vaan said hopefully.

Penelo clutched Vaan's wrinkled shirt and closed her eyes, a smile creeping across her face. "You're hopeless."

"That's fine, but I'm still hungry." He poked her shoulder. "C'mon, Penelo. You've gotta eat, too."

Penelo was feeling rather content and a little sleepy again. "As long as you're not cooking, Vaan, I'll eat whatever you can get your hands on."

"Okay." There was a long moment of silence, and then Vaan said, "Um, Penelo? You kind of have to let me go before I can go get anything."

"Mm-kay," Penelo mumbled sleepily. She still didn't move, so Vaan shifted her carefully away from him and jumped off the bed. She opened her eyes to see him bounding to the door.

"I'll be right back," Vaan promised. As he stepped out and started to close the door behind him, he added, mostly to himself, "I wonder if Larsa has gold silverware here…"

That was her Vaan. He might grow and mature and change in a lot of ways, but some things would always remain the same.

She wouldn't have had it any other way.

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**Whew! I'm getting there…this story is almost done. :)**


	17. Epilogue

**A/N: As always, thank you to my reviewers: Feeny, Reaper's Shadow, eolhcsullivan452, Tishannia, Ogden-Primal Daemon King, and Destatikai.**

**Well, this is it. The end of this story that took me places I really never wanted to go. Hm. Let me say that this epilogue is absolutely **_**nothing **_**like what I had planned. Like, **_**nothing. **_**I had a completely different ending planned, but when I wrote it, this happened instead. **

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Epilogue

_It's been six years. Six years since the men responsible for hurting me and trying to kill Larsa were executed for crimes against Dalmasca, Rozarria, and Archadia. Six years since Vaan and I went back to Migelo's--at least for a little while. It's been almost five years since Vaan and I paid Ashe a little visit before we headed out on the _Persephone._ She was the only one who knew when we left, because she was the one who stamped our marriage papers. I still remember how loud Filo yelled when she later found out we had eloped._

Penelo looked up from her journal, glancing around the cockpit of _Persephone III._ It was an area on the ship where she had spent so much time, and the navigator's chair had become one of the most comfortable places for her. Where it had once frightened her, it was now somewhere she could sit to think, where everything was just where she wanted it, where she could look at her screen and be comforted because she knew exactly where they were. Vaan might be clueless, but she knew, and that was a good thing, because without her, it was quite likely that he would go crashing down in the jagd. Repeatedly.

She pulled her feet up onto the chair and sat cross-legged, bending over the journal and allowing her thoughts to flow freely onto the page. Her fingers were shaking a little, so she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

_I still can't believe it's been so long. It seems like ages have passed, and then sometimes, it seems like it was just the other day. It hasn't always been easy. Even as all this time has gone by, sometimes there are still bits and pieces of issues to deal with. Still nightmares, occasionally, but I know how to deal with that now. Life has it ups and downs, just like it always does. You can't go through huge upheavals without it changing how you view the world. Without it changing you. Fran always tells me that how we learn to deal with this shapes us just as much as the upheavals themselves. Whether it's something good or something bad, she says, it is still a change, and finding the strength to integrate change is not always easy._

Penelo lowered her hand and clutched the blanket wrapped around her, tightening it around her shoulders. A sudden stream of loud cursing met her ears, followed by the clank of metal. Apparently Vaan's task of tuning up the engine wasn't going quite as planned.

She stared at the journal page for a long moment before continuing. _We've had a lot of plans over the years. Sometimes they work out fine, but…well, I _did _marry Vaan. That should speak enough for the way our plans sometimes go. That's all right, though; I'm pretty good at adapting to situations. Most of the time. I'm having a little trouble adapting to the one I'm currently in. I know I need to talk to Vaan soon. I know it will be fine. I know it will be something beautiful and wonderful and amazing and I'll really realize this as soon as I can stop being so completely terrified._

Penelo took another deep breath and chewed on her lip. _It's not a bad terror, _she wrote. _Though I don't know if there is such a thing as a good terror? It's just a different sort of--_

"Hey, Penelo!" Vaan's voice was muffled.

Penelo shut her journal and yelled back, "Yeah?"

"Can you give me a hand?"

Penelo unfolded the blanket and stood, setting her journal on her chair and heading for the engine room. Vaan was standing there in only his grungy workpants, covered in smudges of grease.

"Here, can you slide under the engine?" Vaan waved at it. "I'd do it but the space under there is a lot smaller than on the _Persephone II._"

Within minutes, Penelo was squished under the engine, following Vaan's instructions while he poked his head around and tried to make sure she was carrying them out properly. Wiping a smear of grease off her forehead, Penelo finally said, "Vaan, cut it out! I'm not going to do something to accidentally make the engine blow up! That's_ your_ job."

"Hey, that was _one time_, and we weren't even on board! And it wasn't my fault! It was the stupid merchant who--"

"I know, I know!" The smell of the grease and the tang of metal were making her queasy. She bit back the sudden bile that rose in her throat and kept her fingers moving until she was finished with her task. Then she shoved out from under the engine and sat up, one hand pressed to her stomach.

"You okay, Penelo? You look a little sick."

Penelo's response was to put her other hand over her mouth.

"Penelo?"

"I need to get out of here. The smell…" It was starting to get _really _overwhelming. She pulled herself to her feet, and Vaan followed her out into the hallway, handing her a cloth so she could wipe her hands on it.

"_Are _you sick?" Vaan asked. "If you are, it's _not _my fault. That food I bought last night was--"

"I'm pregnant." Oh, gods, she had _not _meant to tell him like that. She had meant to sit down and talk to him, not just blurt it out.

Vaan stared at her for what seemed like forever, blinking several times. "Um…what?"

Well, it was a little late to back out now. "Pregnant, Vaan. As in, there is a baby inside me. As in, you put it there, so technically, I suppose this is your fault." The wave of nausea was passing, and Penelo straightened, clasping her hands together a little nervously, wondering what Vaan was thinking. This was completely unexpected, completely not anything they had planned for the near future.

Vaan's mouth was hanging slightly open, and he asked weakly, "But…how?"

"If you need me to tell you that after five years of marriage--"

"Penelo! This is _serious!"_

"Really, Vaan? I'd never have guessed."

Vaan stared at her for another moment and then suddenly burst out with, "What did you let me put you under the engine for? What if it had fallen on you or something?"

Penelo couldn't help it; she started giggling. "Fallen on me?"

"Or something," Vaan reiterated weakly. He took a step closer to her, his eyes wide. "You're really…"

"Yes." Penelo's eyes stayed locked on his, and she still didn't know why she was so scared. She couldn't imagine he would get mad or upset or…

Vaan suddenly turned on his step and strode for the cockpit. "We have to go to Rabanastre."

Penelo's forehead creased, and she quickly followed him. "What?"

"Rabanastre, Penelo. Maybe we can stay at Migelo's. Or Ashe's. Ashe's is safer, right? Maybe we can--"

Penelo caught his arm and turned him to face her. He had a glazed, panicked sort of look in his eyes. "Vaan. It's going to be all right."

"Penelo! You've got a _baby inside of you!_"

"Yes."

"I mean, an actual baby!"

"Yes."

"Like, with fingers and toes and ears and oh, gods…" Vaan took the last few steps to the pilot's seat and collapsed into it. "What are we going to do? What am I going to do? Me, a _father?_"

Vaan's franticness was, as usual, draining Penelo of hers and making her feel very calm. She moved the journal off of her seat, setting it on the floor, so she could pick up her blanket and wrap it around herself before sitting on Vaan's lap. Sighing, she leaned back against him, and his arms came around her almost automatically. "You're great with kids, Vaan. Think of all the orphans in Rabanastre!"

"That was different! They were _older._ I mean, Kytes is sixteen now! Filo's seventeen! And--and--and they didn't grow inside you!" His arms tightened around her, and if his mouth had not been right next to her ear, she wasn't sure she would have heard his next words. "What if something happens to you?"

She turned her head and met his eyes. "Vaan--"

His eyes were still wide. "What if something happens to the baby? What if I drop it on its head? What if I--"

"Vaan!" Penelo pressed her fingers to his lips. "Vaan, we have months and months to get ready."

Vaan closed his eyes for a long moment, and when he opened them, he didn't look quite so dazed. "Are you okay?" he asked through her fingers.

She lowered her hand. "I'm…I don't know, Vaan. Scared. Excited. Nervous." She pressed her fingers to her stomach. "Amazed."

They didn't speak much after that; Vaan simply held her and they both stared out the window at the stretch of desert where they had landed so Vaan could work on the engine. After a while, Penelo reached down for her journal and opened it on her lap so she could continue writing in it.

_I don't know what tomorrow will bring. Who can ever know? I've learned a lot of things in my life, and one thing I've seen is that people react to situations in different ways. People do things for many reasons: because they're scared, because they hate, because they love, because of rage, or pain, or kindness, or a hundred other reasons. I've always known that sometimes horrible things happen to wonderful people, and it works the other way around, too._

Vaan's hand was resting on her stomach, and Penelo smiled briefly. _Getting through the horrible things is not always easy, but when I look back at my life, sometimes I wonder what would have happened had I given up. What if I had given up when my family died? Would I have still gone on a quest to save Ivalice? Would Ashe have been restored to the throne if I hadn't been there along the way? Did I really make any difference then? What if I had given up after I was raped? Would Larsa be dead now? Would the world be at war? What would have happened to Vaan?_

_I think about these things sometimes and I wonder, but I don't let it consume me. I can never really know what would have happened if I'd made different choices along the way. I certainly didn't choose the easy path when I decided to stand up and keep going with my life; at least I don't think I did. There were times when I thought giving up would have just been so much easier. Less painful. Less exhausting. _

_It would also have made my life less beautiful. Because as I said, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and even though giving up could be less painful, it would also take away any chance at seeing anything beautiful happen. I would not have my life with Vaan, flying around on the _Persephone III _and praying that there won't be a _Persephone IV. _I would never have had a chance to experience love with him. Real love that holds fast through all the agony and trials and mistakes. That, I think, would have been the greatest misery out of any. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I have a hard time looking back at my life and remembering anytime when Vaan wasn't a part of it. __So even though I am both scared and excited about what is happening now, I know it will be a wonderful thing. I know it will change our lives again, but life is change._

_Besides, I have to admit that it's hilarious to think about Vaan changing diapers._

Vaan, who had been reading over her shoulder, suddenly burst out, "What? What do you mean, changing _diapers?_"

Penelo closed her journal, slid to her feet, and smiled sweetly at him. "I love you, Vaan." She held the blanket snug around her as she headed out of the cockpit.

Vaan jumped to his feet and followed her. "Penelo!"

She just grinned at him over his shoulder. Yes, even through the difficulties, life was definitely still worth living.

Especially when she got to see that look of stunned disbelief on Vaan's face.

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**A Final Author's Note:**

With this ending now, I wanted to give a bit of an explanation. I didn't write this for enjoyment at all (I'd be worried about myself if I had). There are parts of this that I loved writing (mostly relating to Vaan's comments), and there are parts that I absolutely hated writing. There were so many times I just wanted to delete this off of my account. I never wanted to be seen as the author who wrote this kind of story, because as horribly sad as it is to me, there are people who get some sort of pleasure out of writing this stuff.

The thing is, while I might not ever have gone through what I put Penelo through, I have gone through Vaan's side of it. More than once. Minus getting stabbed and stuff. There are people I love in my life who have suffered through this and it hurts. I've seen the pain, the shame, the lies, the feelings of worthlessness, the denial, the horrible agony that comes with this violation. And so I wrote this--not because I have some twisted fetish or get off on this, but because I wanted to try to show that there is still life, hope, and healing. I know that it is a slow, painful process that cannot even begin to happen overnight, but I wanted to show, even through a fictional story, that ultimately there can be healing. I wanted to offer the idea that even if you have suffered through this, it's not the end. That you're not to blame. That life's still worth something. That you have to go through anger and turmoil and guilt along the way, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So, even though part of me still desperately wants nothing more than to delete this story off of here--I won't. If this can help even one person who has suffered through this, then it will be more than worth the frustration of writing it, and I will gladly be known as _that _author.


End file.
